That always how I will see it.
Always deep down I will feel abandoned.
It is the explanation for everything.
And I will place many things before it, and claim they are to blame.
But I am this being because I was betrayed and abandoned.
I'll say it's my fault. For any logical reason.
I'll say I'm just sensitive. And I am...
But those moments effected me.
They infected me.
And forever I had been changed.
Gone were the fairy tales. Gone was the happiness.
What ever have you done to me?
And yet I still blame me.
15.12.10
8.12.10
At least I'm not the only one who sees it... Not the only one who worries...
Oh that makes me feel a thousand times less insane.
Don't just brush it off.... Oh please....
And here I am just talking to myself, because who's listening?
I was taken, and formed.
We fit.
And we stayed like so, till I was solid.
Then he felt the need to find a new shape, and threw me out.
So I was alone, falling.
And I hit the ground hard.
And I shattered.
Then I saw you, and I saw you were just as broken as I was.
So I took my pieces and placed them together just enough.
So I could make it to your side, and help you out.
And we put you together so you were like me.
Just barely together.
And we fixed each other as best we could.
Then, you took this mask, and pretended to be whole.
And all the other whole beings, took you in.
And well I was here, and I wondered how you could just pretend.
Even though it actually hurt you more, and you were breaking again.
If we just were together more, we could make ourselves whole.
But now, I was alone.
And though I'd put myself back together better, I was still alone.
You would come back every night.
So we could repair some damage from the pretending you did.
We'd just fix the damage you'd done to yourself.
And soon enough, I understood.
It felt good to destroy myself.
It felt like I was at least successful at something.
And I never hurt myself more than I could bare.
It just felt good to be in power, to have power over my poor weak soul.
And you didn't notice.
But then, it felt like I was addicted to the power.
It was like the devil was holding my hand.
And I had lost track of you.
But you lost track of me too.
Oh that makes me feel a thousand times less insane.
Don't just brush it off.... Oh please....
And here I am just talking to myself, because who's listening?
I was taken, and formed.
We fit.
And we stayed like so, till I was solid.
Then he felt the need to find a new shape, and threw me out.
So I was alone, falling.
And I hit the ground hard.
And I shattered.
Then I saw you, and I saw you were just as broken as I was.
So I took my pieces and placed them together just enough.
So I could make it to your side, and help you out.
And we put you together so you were like me.
Just barely together.
And we fixed each other as best we could.
Then, you took this mask, and pretended to be whole.
And all the other whole beings, took you in.
And well I was here, and I wondered how you could just pretend.
Even though it actually hurt you more, and you were breaking again.
If we just were together more, we could make ourselves whole.
But now, I was alone.
And though I'd put myself back together better, I was still alone.
You would come back every night.
So we could repair some damage from the pretending you did.
We'd just fix the damage you'd done to yourself.
And soon enough, I understood.
It felt good to destroy myself.
It felt like I was at least successful at something.
And I never hurt myself more than I could bare.
It just felt good to be in power, to have power over my poor weak soul.
And you didn't notice.
But then, it felt like I was addicted to the power.
It was like the devil was holding my hand.
And I had lost track of you.
But you lost track of me too.
6.12.10
5.12.10
4.12.10
Ha.
Hmmm... I neglect this blog...
Uhm. I've been trying to keep a journal. But I really fail at writing in it...
Haha.
I always feel so... replaceable. I always feel like everyone would rather be with/have/talk to/whatever someone else, someone better, someone prettier, someone smarter, someone different.
If only I voiced my opinions.... But then we would fight, and I hate fighting.... Because all it tells me is I'm wrong. And I'm so sick of feeling wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. If I do one thing right, I have another thousand things I do wrong. And even if you love me this way, and want me this way, I'll never be able to be okay with doing anything wrong....
I dunno....
I hate feelings.
I hate doubt.
I hate this.
I love you.
Smile, for that is what I live for.
Good day to you.
Uhm. I've been trying to keep a journal. But I really fail at writing in it...
Haha.
I always feel so... replaceable. I always feel like everyone would rather be with/have/talk to/whatever someone else, someone better, someone prettier, someone smarter, someone different.
If only I voiced my opinions.... But then we would fight, and I hate fighting.... Because all it tells me is I'm wrong. And I'm so sick of feeling wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. If I do one thing right, I have another thousand things I do wrong. And even if you love me this way, and want me this way, I'll never be able to be okay with doing anything wrong....
I dunno....
I hate feelings.
I hate doubt.
I hate this.
I love you.
Smile, for that is what I live for.
Good day to you.
14.11.10
12.11.10
7.11.10
Wohoo.....
I dunno when I last posted but I think it's been awhile...
Ha so.... I have a few dreams that I'll get around to posting on http://mysubconsciencestories.blog.com/ so... that'll be fun I guess.
Haha
For halloween I was purple. Well... the second night I was black. hahaha no in a racist way. :D
Grades should come soon... They're okay I guess. Haha.
They are, but not in my group of friends. And not when I only have 5 classes.
Hmm...
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo jealous. It's terrible.
Haha. I don't really know what more to say.
Just keep rolling along I guess?
So adios!
Spread the smiles. :)
Ha so.... I have a few dreams that I'll get around to posting on http://mysubconsciencestories.blog.com/ so... that'll be fun I guess.
Haha
For halloween I was purple. Well... the second night I was black. hahaha no in a racist way. :D
Grades should come soon... They're okay I guess. Haha.
They are, but not in my group of friends. And not when I only have 5 classes.
Hmm...
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo jealous. It's terrible.
Haha. I don't really know what more to say.
Just keep rolling along I guess?
So adios!
Spread the smiles. :)
1.11.10
Stupid.
This stupid goddamn world....
Why is it that we can't just live?
Why do we need extra things to make it worth living?
Why isn't it just live, and let it be?
Goddamn.
It's fucking childish. But it bothers me. It bothers me so much...
You're one of them.... And now so am I...
I don't want to be them, because I hate them.
Those goddamn weak, stupid, idiots.
Why must you be a part of them?
I love you. I hate them. You are them. You want to be them...
I can't hate you... Oh... Stupid world.
I love you.
Smile. :)
Melt us away...
Why is it that we can't just live?
Why do we need extra things to make it worth living?
Why isn't it just live, and let it be?
Goddamn.
It's fucking childish. But it bothers me. It bothers me so much...
You're one of them.... And now so am I...
I don't want to be them, because I hate them.
Those goddamn weak, stupid, idiots.
Why must you be a part of them?
I love you. I hate them. You are them. You want to be them...
I can't hate you... Oh... Stupid world.
I love you.
Smile. :)
Melt us away...
15.10.10
Leave me, let me bleed.
Let me ache and pain.
Bleed, bleed, bleed.
Let the sufferings end.
I hate being a teen.
I hate a child.
I hate this.
I feel horrible.
For many little reasons.
I want to be done with this stupid shit.
Why do I never stand up for what I think?
Why can't I say "I'm right, and go the fuck away"?
Why can't I feel justified in being mad at you?
Why can't I just tell you what's wrong? What's bothering me?
Am I just a coward?
Or is it because I'll always just tell myself I'm wrong?
Why don't I just shut the fuck up? You're goddamn opinion is not fucking wanted! Get out of me head.
I just want to scream. What is this horrid monster in my mind? What is this horrid disease?
Ah.... Well I'm going. Ha.
Goodnight.
Bleed, bleed, bleed.
Let the sufferings end.
I hate being a teen.
I hate a child.
I hate this.
I feel horrible.
For many little reasons.
I want to be done with this stupid shit.
Why do I never stand up for what I think?
Why can't I say "I'm right, and go the fuck away"?
Why can't I feel justified in being mad at you?
Why can't I just tell you what's wrong? What's bothering me?
Am I just a coward?
Or is it because I'll always just tell myself I'm wrong?
Why don't I just shut the fuck up? You're goddamn opinion is not fucking wanted! Get out of me head.
I just want to scream. What is this horrid monster in my mind? What is this horrid disease?
Ah.... Well I'm going. Ha.
Goodnight.
11.10.10
10.10.10
9.10.10
8.10.10
For Att Du Finns
Lyrics meaning: (As best I can at least...)
Tracks in the sand,
A wind that caresses,
I'm so lucky to have found,
It's like everything I've dreamed.
So come closer to me.
Let me warm you.
Because you are.
Because you can.
You lead the waves to the land.
You (something) to the world.
Because you see.
Because you understand.
You light the sky where I go.
You take my hand and lead the way.
When you stand in front of me,
Everything is as it should be.
So come closer to me.
Because you are.
Because you can.
You lead the waves to the land.
You (something) to the world.
Because you see.
Because you understand.
You light the sky where I go.
You take my hand and lead the way.
Because you love today.
Because you are in love with me.
Because you are.
Because you can.
You lead the waves to the land.
You (something) to the world.
Because you see.
Because you understand.
You light the sky where I go.
You take my hand and lead the way.
Because you love today.
Because you are in love with me.
With me.
Yepp! Pretty much. :D
24.9.10
The enemy doesn't understand "Go away."
Somebody stole my brain and mushed it all up with a hammer.
Then they were so kind to return it to me.
When it no longer has any use to me.
I'd prefer them to keep it.
I feel so angry.
But there is nothing to be angry at.
And the reason I'm mad is really stupid.
And just gives me more reason to be.
And I'm just so goddamn irritating. And it irritates everyone else.
And they're suffering and I am too. And someone just out to put a bullet through my fucking skull.
Not really... But I wish someone could kill that stupid part of me. That goddamn irritating part that just fucking gets in the way and messes up everything. The part of me that keeps me feeling so isolated. So hopeless and alone. So damaged. So fucking screwed up.
I want that part of me gone.
I don't know how to escape it.
I don't know how I can possibly escape myself.
That's always been the dilemma.
How does one get away from one's own self?
Why can't I just say okay and be content?
Just let everything go.
I was not made to be close to people.
And I don't want to be with many.
But I wish I could just maintain being close with like 1 or 2 people. Goddamn.
I wish I could just tell what's reasonable, what's crazy, what's okay, what's wrong, what's true, everything...
I just wish I could be perfect for someone.
And they could be for me.
And I wouldn't push them away.
And they wouldn't let me walk away.
And they'd understand all my weird ways of thinking and describing things...
I dunno.
My crazy just makes everyone leave.
And I guess it's more me leaving then them.
Well... Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
I love you.
Then they were so kind to return it to me.
When it no longer has any use to me.
I'd prefer them to keep it.
I feel so angry.
But there is nothing to be angry at.
And the reason I'm mad is really stupid.
And just gives me more reason to be.
And I'm just so goddamn irritating. And it irritates everyone else.
And they're suffering and I am too. And someone just out to put a bullet through my fucking skull.
Not really... But I wish someone could kill that stupid part of me. That goddamn irritating part that just fucking gets in the way and messes up everything. The part of me that keeps me feeling so isolated. So hopeless and alone. So damaged. So fucking screwed up.
I want that part of me gone.
I don't know how to escape it.
I don't know how I can possibly escape myself.
That's always been the dilemma.
How does one get away from one's own self?
Why can't I just say okay and be content?
Just let everything go.
I was not made to be close to people.
And I don't want to be with many.
But I wish I could just maintain being close with like 1 or 2 people. Goddamn.
I wish I could just tell what's reasonable, what's crazy, what's okay, what's wrong, what's true, everything...
I just wish I could be perfect for someone.
And they could be for me.
And I wouldn't push them away.
And they wouldn't let me walk away.
And they'd understand all my weird ways of thinking and describing things...
I dunno.
My crazy just makes everyone leave.
And I guess it's more me leaving then them.
Well... Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
I love you.
22.9.10
Run and crawl.
Perfect.
Perfect.
That is what you need to be.
That is what you here.
You have to be perfect.
Anything less is failure.
That's what I tell myself.
Not necessarily on purpose. But I have this image that I have to be, I have to achieve it otherwise I fail. And everything I do, must be just as perfect otherwise I fail.
Just how it is in my mind...
Ah... So. Finally this stressful is coming to an end.
Hopefully my grades don't die completely.
Hopefully my parents don't see my midterms...
Well actually my grades are fine. But I have an F. The rest are A's. And the F is for some unknown reason. I think my teacher just hates me...
I just feel like I'll always be up against something a thousand times better, in every way. Even if it's not true, that just how I feel...
The world disgusts me. High school is disgusting.
I hate being so little.
Everything I say can just be dismissed. I'm only 15. Hell, I don't know anything!
It's so irritating.
Meh. I jut wish I was done with high school and college and could be out living somewhere.
This book in english we're reading, Crime and Punishment, well we're done with it now. But yeah. I really don't like it. But it's interesting. And there are a few quotes that I just think are so perfect. They describe me or I agree completely with them. Haha. It's kinda said though. Cuz the main guy is insane, and he is a bit like me. Haha.
Good afternoon!
Spread the smiles.
I wish I could love you and you could love me.
Perfect.
That is what you need to be.
That is what you here.
You have to be perfect.
Anything less is failure.
That's what I tell myself.
Not necessarily on purpose. But I have this image that I have to be, I have to achieve it otherwise I fail. And everything I do, must be just as perfect otherwise I fail.
Just how it is in my mind...
Ah... So. Finally this stressful is coming to an end.
Hopefully my grades don't die completely.
Hopefully my parents don't see my midterms...
Well actually my grades are fine. But I have an F. The rest are A's. And the F is for some unknown reason. I think my teacher just hates me...
I just feel like I'll always be up against something a thousand times better, in every way. Even if it's not true, that just how I feel...
The world disgusts me. High school is disgusting.
I hate being so little.
Everything I say can just be dismissed. I'm only 15. Hell, I don't know anything!
It's so irritating.
Meh. I jut wish I was done with high school and college and could be out living somewhere.
This book in english we're reading, Crime and Punishment, well we're done with it now. But yeah. I really don't like it. But it's interesting. And there are a few quotes that I just think are so perfect. They describe me or I agree completely with them. Haha. It's kinda said though. Cuz the main guy is insane, and he is a bit like me. Haha.
Good afternoon!
Spread the smiles.
I wish I could love you and you could love me.
20.9.10
Close your eyes.
Take them by the hands.
Show them what is out there.
Teach them that the world is cold.
Don't let them believe all is good and pure.
For when they learn otherwise, they well be crushed, and will need a hand to hold.
:) Hello!
School is killing me. And I'm falling behind. And yeah. Well I'm not quite falling behind yet, but school is really hard to keep up with.
I just feel so out of place. And like everyone else knows what they're doing.
And I'm just standing around looking confused.
I don't know where to go or what to do.
I'm just lost. Completely.
For some horrible reason, I care way to much about school.
Ah. Well I've got to go. Ha
Lame post, but that's okay.
I've been horrible at posting...
Goodbye!
Spread the smiles.
Don't let me believe in the fairy tale. Please someone, wake me up.
Show them what is out there.
Teach them that the world is cold.
Don't let them believe all is good and pure.
For when they learn otherwise, they well be crushed, and will need a hand to hold.
:) Hello!
School is killing me. And I'm falling behind. And yeah. Well I'm not quite falling behind yet, but school is really hard to keep up with.
I just feel so out of place. And like everyone else knows what they're doing.
And I'm just standing around looking confused.
I don't know where to go or what to do.
I'm just lost. Completely.
For some horrible reason, I care way to much about school.
Ah. Well I've got to go. Ha
Lame post, but that's okay.
I've been horrible at posting...
Goodbye!
Spread the smiles.
Don't let me believe in the fairy tale. Please someone, wake me up.
12.9.10
I realize I've been gone.. Failing to do this... I'm sick. :( And been busy. So... Yeah..
Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person.
1. I'm worried about you.
2. I love you.
3. I miss you.
4. Stop.
5. It'll be just fine.
6. Sorry I'm not good enough for you.
7. I wish you didn't keep track of the score.
8. I'm jealous of you..
9. :)
10. I love you!
Day 5: 10 wishes.
1. I wish you cared more about yourself...
2. I wish to not be sick!
3. I hope it'll be alright.
4. I wish I could understand myself.
5. I wish people could be less annoying.
6. I wish humanity wasn't so horrible.
7. I wish I never had to speak.
8. I wish I didn't feel so inadequate.
9. I wish religion wasn't so important to everyone.
10. I wish people could get along better.
Day 6: 10 items you can’t live without.
1. Well... Food. Like mangos!
2. Water.
3. A home?
4. Cleanliness?
5. Certain people.
6. Books.
7. Technology..
8. Music?
9. Art?
10. Photography?
Some things I could live without... But I'd be miserable.... :) Or just not happy? I had to pick 10 things... Thats a lot...
Day 7: 10 important people.
1. Lizzzzy.
2. Anton.
3. Sierra.
4. This is hard... Claire.
5. Fiona.
6. Colton....
7. Amanda
8. Dee
9. Oden
10. Marie
Important to me that is. And some aren't really that important...
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs.
1. A rush of blood to the head.
2. Green eyes.
3. Run.
4. It's beginning to get to me.
5. Chasing cars.
6. Creep.
7. Don't panic.
8. Fix you.
9. Electric feel.
10. Undisclosed desires.
Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart.
Uhm...
1. Be kind?
2. Be shy?
3. Be cute/adorable?
4. Be able to deal with my insanity?
5. Pay attention?
6. Don't leave...
7. I really don't know... Don't let me doubt?
8. Remind me that you love me?
9. Try to understand?
10. Be honest...
Day 10: Final 10 words.
1. Scream.
2. Breath.
3. Live.
4. Laugh.
5. Lie.
6. Break.
7. Forget.
8. Hurt.
9. Heal.
10. Scar.
So. Yeah. Interesting! Not really... :)
School is terrible. And kills my poor little soul.
Goodbye!
Spread the smiles...
Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person.
1. I'm worried about you.
2. I love you.
3. I miss you.
4. Stop.
5. It'll be just fine.
6. Sorry I'm not good enough for you.
7. I wish you didn't keep track of the score.
8. I'm jealous of you..
9. :)
10. I love you!
Day 5: 10 wishes.
1. I wish you cared more about yourself...
2. I wish to not be sick!
3. I hope it'll be alright.
4. I wish I could understand myself.
5. I wish people could be less annoying.
6. I wish humanity wasn't so horrible.
7. I wish I never had to speak.
8. I wish I didn't feel so inadequate.
9. I wish religion wasn't so important to everyone.
10. I wish people could get along better.
Day 6: 10 items you can’t live without.
1. Well... Food. Like mangos!
2. Water.
3. A home?
4. Cleanliness?
5. Certain people.
6. Books.
7. Technology..
8. Music?
9. Art?
10. Photography?
Some things I could live without... But I'd be miserable.... :) Or just not happy? I had to pick 10 things... Thats a lot...
Day 7: 10 important people.
1. Lizzzzy.
2. Anton.
3. Sierra.
4. This is hard... Claire.
5. Fiona.
6. Colton....
7. Amanda
8. Dee
9. Oden
10. Marie
Important to me that is. And some aren't really that important...
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs.
1. A rush of blood to the head.
2. Green eyes.
3. Run.
4. It's beginning to get to me.
5. Chasing cars.
6. Creep.
7. Don't panic.
8. Fix you.
9. Electric feel.
10. Undisclosed desires.
Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart.
Uhm...
1. Be kind?
2. Be shy?
3. Be cute/adorable?
4. Be able to deal with my insanity?
5. Pay attention?
6. Don't leave...
7. I really don't know... Don't let me doubt?
8. Remind me that you love me?
9. Try to understand?
10. Be honest...
Day 10: Final 10 words.
1. Scream.
2. Breath.
3. Live.
4. Laugh.
5. Lie.
6. Break.
7. Forget.
8. Hurt.
9. Heal.
10. Scar.
So. Yeah. Interesting! Not really... :)
School is terrible. And kills my poor little soul.
Goodbye!
Spread the smiles...
7.9.10
Day 3: 10 things you hate
1. Emotions.
2. People that I don't know.
3. People I do know that are generally not good people, in my definition.
4. Myself.
5. Human nature.
6. War.
7. Revenge.
8. Violence.
9. The human body.
10. Stupidity, such as faith.
Haha. All these things have to do with humanity. Silly.
And a LOT more. Most of which also has to do directly with the human race.
Haha.. I'm a terrible person...
Spread the smiles!
Be happy!
Ah. I dunno. Don't be hateful, like me... Well. Only be hateful of things that deserve it. Haha.
1. Emotions.
2. People that I don't know.
3. People I do know that are generally not good people, in my definition.
4. Myself.
5. Human nature.
6. War.
7. Revenge.
8. Violence.
9. The human body.
10. Stupidity, such as faith.
Haha. All these things have to do with humanity. Silly.
And a LOT more. Most of which also has to do directly with the human race.
Haha.. I'm a terrible person...
Spread the smiles!
Be happy!
Ah. I dunno. Don't be hateful, like me... Well. Only be hateful of things that deserve it. Haha.
6.9.10
5.9.10
So... I kinda fail at posting lately...
Just school and such. And I really don't know what to say.
So! I'll do this. Because I can.
Day 1: 10 things about you
Day 2: 10 things you love
Day 3: 10 things you hate
Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person
Day 5: 10 wishes
Day 6: 10 items you can’t live without
Day 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart
Day 10: Final 10 words
Day 1:
1. School will be the death of me. Or my parents. Or myself. Haha
2. I'm trying to be nicer to myself.
3. Which involves avoiding thinking about some things, that usually rule my mind.
4. I don't like being open with people. At all.
5. I'm incredibly dependent on those who are important to me, and I hate it. And I don't want people to know.
6. I'm terrified of hurting others. The pain I cause them hurts worse than anything else in the world.
7. My dreams are pretty fucked up.
8. I get really involved with books, tv shows, movies, to distract from my own problems.
9. I have basically no social life. Which would be fine, if people just let me be. But it feels as though every glance is judging me and finding all the things wrong with me. Why doesn't anyone look for the good?
10. I hate being so young, no one trusts me, which makes it hard for me to trust myself too.
Just school and such. And I really don't know what to say.
So! I'll do this. Because I can.
Day 1: 10 things about you
Day 2: 10 things you love
Day 3: 10 things you hate
Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person
Day 5: 10 wishes
Day 6: 10 items you can’t live without
Day 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart
Day 10: Final 10 words
Day 1:
1. School will be the death of me. Or my parents. Or myself. Haha
2. I'm trying to be nicer to myself.
3. Which involves avoiding thinking about some things, that usually rule my mind.
4. I don't like being open with people. At all.
5. I'm incredibly dependent on those who are important to me, and I hate it. And I don't want people to know.
6. I'm terrified of hurting others. The pain I cause them hurts worse than anything else in the world.
7. My dreams are pretty fucked up.
8. I get really involved with books, tv shows, movies, to distract from my own problems.
9. I have basically no social life. Which would be fine, if people just let me be. But it feels as though every glance is judging me and finding all the things wrong with me. Why doesn't anyone look for the good?
10. I hate being so young, no one trusts me, which makes it hard for me to trust myself too.
21.8.10
Home.
I'm home!
Time differences suck.
I don't like sleeping in the middle of the day...
I have so much to do for school... I don't think I'll have it done.
Eh whatever, it'll be okay.
I'm so tired. Stupid...
I'm glad to be home.
But I wish that it was sweden.
I wish I just had all my friends there and such...
Cuz it's fucking hot here. Which sucks.
I don't really know what to say.
So goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Take what you need, but don't depend on me.
Time differences suck.
I don't like sleeping in the middle of the day...
I have so much to do for school... I don't think I'll have it done.
Eh whatever, it'll be okay.
I'm so tired. Stupid...
I'm glad to be home.
But I wish that it was sweden.
I wish I just had all my friends there and such...
Cuz it's fucking hot here. Which sucks.
I don't really know what to say.
So goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Take what you need, but don't depend on me.
19.8.10
18.8.10
Beneath the surface.
Another layer of dirt to cover the coffin.
Another day to rot.
One less visitor.
Let them walk away.
Let them leave, like all the others.
Push away that dead body.
Get it away.
Bury it.
Hide it.
Say she was loved.
Say she was lovely.
Say she'll be missed.
Truthfully, she was lonely.
Because like in death,
people just came around less and less.
Not that they didn't care,
but she took too much effort.
She had too many problems.
No one could deal with her.
She died lonely and sad.
Because she had given up before life even began.
People kept trying to break through the shells of protection,
but they never made it close.
They each tried to fix her,
but they never saw what the issue was,
and they never thought to ask.
They never saw how simple it was.
But after all, you could blame her, for her loneliness.
You could blame her, for all her issues.
You could blame her, like she does herself.
Even though, deep below all the faces and masks,
she just wanted someone to find the real cause.
Someone who'd look at it through clean eyes,
rather than her own biased ones.
She died lonely and sad,
because she was taught she couldn't ask for help,
she had to stand on her own.
She knew she couldn't do it,
so she didn't want to burden the world.
She couldn't be self sufficient,
so she did what she thought was right,
and took herself from this world.
So no longer would anyone have to give up any part of themselves to help her.
She was lovely, and wonderful.
She was honest, and caring.
She was so many things.
She was almost perfect,
except for one fatal flaw.
But no one ever saw these things.
They never knew how to help her.
So she died lonely and sad,
because she never let anyone hold her hand,
because she was taught that it wasn't okay.
Another day to rot.
One less visitor.
Let them walk away.
Let them leave, like all the others.
Push away that dead body.
Get it away.
Bury it.
Hide it.
Say she was loved.
Say she was lovely.
Say she'll be missed.
Truthfully, she was lonely.
Because like in death,
people just came around less and less.
Not that they didn't care,
but she took too much effort.
She had too many problems.
No one could deal with her.
She died lonely and sad.
Because she had given up before life even began.
People kept trying to break through the shells of protection,
but they never made it close.
They each tried to fix her,
but they never saw what the issue was,
and they never thought to ask.
They never saw how simple it was.
But after all, you could blame her, for her loneliness.
You could blame her, for all her issues.
You could blame her, like she does herself.
Even though, deep below all the faces and masks,
she just wanted someone to find the real cause.
Someone who'd look at it through clean eyes,
rather than her own biased ones.
She died lonely and sad,
because she was taught she couldn't ask for help,
she had to stand on her own.
She knew she couldn't do it,
so she didn't want to burden the world.
She couldn't be self sufficient,
so she did what she thought was right,
and took herself from this world.
So no longer would anyone have to give up any part of themselves to help her.
She was lovely, and wonderful.
She was honest, and caring.
She was so many things.
She was almost perfect,
except for one fatal flaw.
But no one ever saw these things.
They never knew how to help her.
So she died lonely and sad,
because she never let anyone hold her hand,
because she was taught that it wasn't okay.
17.8.10
Control your fury, fight the rage.
My brother makes me insane. I swear to god. I know I'm a bitch to him. But god! He has to argue about every little fucking thing!!! It's so irritating.
There's this comercial. For a freaking burger. It's about the extra cheese on it.
And he says "last time it was for pepper!"
And I just say "no... it's for cheese. It's been the same thing all week."
So he's like "no! I promise!"
"Okay, whatever. I don't really care. I think it was about the cheese but you can think what you like."
"I SWEAR!!!"
"Okay. Be quiet now."
"No!"
"Then leave please. I'm trying to watch this..."
"FINE! Bitch!!" And he stands up, furious and kicks me and slams the door.
Jesus fucking christ. He gets so mad over stupid stupid things and doesn't seem to understand that other people are around, and that he's being incredibly rude. It's late and in an apartment. The people below could be sleeping for all he knows!
Meh... Anyways. I just don't understand his fury. It's so completly unreasonable.
I know I am an asshole. But not that much... Am I?
And now I start thinking about it, which is bad because obviously I'll be mean to myself because why the hell else would he react so severly. Why would he hate me so much otherwise? Why would I be such a villian to him if I was remotly nice?
Erg...
I miss my friends so much. I love sweden, but with my brother here, it is not nearly as much of an escape as I need it to be.
I miss them. And school is stressing me out. And bleh.
Someone give me instructions on how to be good enough for everyone?
Hmmm.
Goodnight. Or afternoon I suppose.
Spread the smiles.
I miss you, don't leave me alone..
There's this comercial. For a freaking burger. It's about the extra cheese on it.
And he says "last time it was for pepper!"
And I just say "no... it's for cheese. It's been the same thing all week."
So he's like "no! I promise!"
"Okay, whatever. I don't really care. I think it was about the cheese but you can think what you like."
"I SWEAR!!!"
"Okay. Be quiet now."
"No!"
"Then leave please. I'm trying to watch this..."
"FINE! Bitch!!" And he stands up, furious and kicks me and slams the door.
Jesus fucking christ. He gets so mad over stupid stupid things and doesn't seem to understand that other people are around, and that he's being incredibly rude. It's late and in an apartment. The people below could be sleeping for all he knows!
Meh... Anyways. I just don't understand his fury. It's so completly unreasonable.
I know I am an asshole. But not that much... Am I?
And now I start thinking about it, which is bad because obviously I'll be mean to myself because why the hell else would he react so severly. Why would he hate me so much otherwise? Why would I be such a villian to him if I was remotly nice?
Erg...
I miss my friends so much. I love sweden, but with my brother here, it is not nearly as much of an escape as I need it to be.
I miss them. And school is stressing me out. And bleh.
Someone give me instructions on how to be good enough for everyone?
Hmmm.
Goodnight. Or afternoon I suppose.
Spread the smiles.
I miss you, don't leave me alone..
16.8.10
These zombies keep appearing; lifeless, souless zombies.
Today I got some last few things I want to take home.
Oh, I don't want to go home yet! It's too soon. Though I really wish I was home longer before school starts... Meh. Oh well.
I also went on a walk in the forest and found some lovely little mushrooms.
I don't feel so old. I feel like I belong somewhere else. Not high school.
It's odd.
Also I realized today that I often write about how I'm feeling or something, but rarely explain what brought it on. Hmmm. I guess I could work on that...
I was going to say something else but I seem to have forgotten it....
So. Yepp.
Today my brother got really mad at me. Well I got mad at him first. He doesn't fucking listen adn it's so irritating that he expects me to listen when he doesn't. Bleh. Haha he got mad and stormed back to the house. I kept going to the forest, where we were headed to look for mushrooms. I was so mad, more at myself than him. Yes he's an ass, but I really could be a lot nicer to him... And my mind just kept going to worse places and such.
And this isn't uncommon, I love to beat myself down. Well I don't, but yeah. Haha.
I think my mind is flawed. When I am the one who needs punishment, I must be punished triple the times of the potential pain I have caused. But when it's someone else, I must find I way to forgive them. If I can't, I am again the one at fault.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...
I have been wanting to drink so badly! And I can't get any alcohol here... Well none that won't be noticed if it's gone. And I know if I do, I'll not be very happy with myself... But sometimes I don't really care. Just want what I want, the consquences can be dealt with later.
Which is really STUPID. And I have gotten myself to do some really really really idiotic things. And I still can't forgive myself for many.
It seems I have no self control...
Haha. Jeeez.
Hmmm. So I am bored. Because it's to late to do anything really. And so I am going to just write about random things, that no one cares about!
So, I hate labels. And sterotypes that go with them. So annoying!! God. It's like I could say one thing to someone I know, and they'd stop talking to me. It's like really??? Really, you can't talk to me because of some silly little thing???
Like I know someone who won't talk to me because I don't have a religion. And someone else who doesn't like me, because of the part of the city I live in.
Just because I don't believe, I must be some dark and disturbed person.
Simply because I live in a fairly rich area, I must be a snob.
Because I like art, I must be a stoner.
Because I'm shy and quiet, I must be sad and lonely.
Because I have lesbian firends, I must be too.
Ah such stupid little things. So dumb! Talk to me, get to know me. Then you can say whatever the hell you think. But god, don't judge me on who I talk to, or how I do in school, or where I live, or what I believe.
Haha. What else. Hmmm... I have to many things to bring home... My bad is over the weight. I think...
4 whole days left here! I don't wanna go! No no no!
But I do... and I need to.
I miss my friends.
Hmm. I hate my dependency on people. I am so incredibly dependent on them, and they are so very unaware.
Oh! I could tell you about my thing that I wrote the other day. If I can find it.
It's called War. Or something... Yeah. Lets name it War. So here we are:
War.
Two children in the sandbox,
Building their own little worlds.
Cooperating with eachtoher, sharing.
Toy dinosaurs reside here,
Along with small plastic animals.
One child finds a shell,
Places it atop his castle.
The other child marvels at it, wants it.
"Give me, give me!" He shouts.
"No!!!!"
He stands up, feeling big and tall
compared to the sand cities.
He walks through the other boy's city,
Walking right over the structures.
Sand flows from beneath his feet,
covering the plastic creatures.
Destroying their homes.
The boy picks up his prize,
crumbling the castle to the ground.
He seems unaware of the damage he's caused,
he is happy and proud, he's got the trophy.
He turns to place it in his city,
on the tallest building, proud.
He turns to see only odd piles of sand remain,
and a little boy, with a look of acopmlishment there.
Piles of sand; ruble and buried toys.
That was all that was left of their worlds.
Destrution and corruption.
Greed and revenge.
The parents intervine, but always too late.
They preach discussion over violence.
But they do not pratice what they preach.
How will we ever learn?
Ah so. Yeah. The ending is a bit.... eh. Well the whole thing is, but the end is more so. Haha.
Goodnight. This is getting too long.
Spread the smiles. :D
I'm trying I'm trying, is that worth nothing to you?
Oh, I don't want to go home yet! It's too soon. Though I really wish I was home longer before school starts... Meh. Oh well.
I also went on a walk in the forest and found some lovely little mushrooms.
I don't feel so old. I feel like I belong somewhere else. Not high school.
It's odd.
Also I realized today that I often write about how I'm feeling or something, but rarely explain what brought it on. Hmmm. I guess I could work on that...
I was going to say something else but I seem to have forgotten it....
So. Yepp.
Today my brother got really mad at me. Well I got mad at him first. He doesn't fucking listen adn it's so irritating that he expects me to listen when he doesn't. Bleh. Haha he got mad and stormed back to the house. I kept going to the forest, where we were headed to look for mushrooms. I was so mad, more at myself than him. Yes he's an ass, but I really could be a lot nicer to him... And my mind just kept going to worse places and such.
And this isn't uncommon, I love to beat myself down. Well I don't, but yeah. Haha.
I think my mind is flawed. When I am the one who needs punishment, I must be punished triple the times of the potential pain I have caused. But when it's someone else, I must find I way to forgive them. If I can't, I am again the one at fault.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...
I have been wanting to drink so badly! And I can't get any alcohol here... Well none that won't be noticed if it's gone. And I know if I do, I'll not be very happy with myself... But sometimes I don't really care. Just want what I want, the consquences can be dealt with later.
Which is really STUPID. And I have gotten myself to do some really really really idiotic things. And I still can't forgive myself for many.
It seems I have no self control...
Haha. Jeeez.
Hmmm. So I am bored. Because it's to late to do anything really. And so I am going to just write about random things, that no one cares about!
So, I hate labels. And sterotypes that go with them. So annoying!! God. It's like I could say one thing to someone I know, and they'd stop talking to me. It's like really??? Really, you can't talk to me because of some silly little thing???
Like I know someone who won't talk to me because I don't have a religion. And someone else who doesn't like me, because of the part of the city I live in.
Just because I don't believe, I must be some dark and disturbed person.
Simply because I live in a fairly rich area, I must be a snob.
Because I like art, I must be a stoner.
Because I'm shy and quiet, I must be sad and lonely.
Because I have lesbian firends, I must be too.
Ah such stupid little things. So dumb! Talk to me, get to know me. Then you can say whatever the hell you think. But god, don't judge me on who I talk to, or how I do in school, or where I live, or what I believe.
Haha. What else. Hmmm... I have to many things to bring home... My bad is over the weight. I think...
4 whole days left here! I don't wanna go! No no no!
But I do... and I need to.
I miss my friends.
Hmm. I hate my dependency on people. I am so incredibly dependent on them, and they are so very unaware.
Oh! I could tell you about my thing that I wrote the other day. If I can find it.
It's called War. Or something... Yeah. Lets name it War. So here we are:
War.
Two children in the sandbox,
Building their own little worlds.
Cooperating with eachtoher, sharing.
Toy dinosaurs reside here,
Along with small plastic animals.
One child finds a shell,
Places it atop his castle.
The other child marvels at it, wants it.
"Give me, give me!" He shouts.
"No!!!!"
He stands up, feeling big and tall
compared to the sand cities.
He walks through the other boy's city,
Walking right over the structures.
Sand flows from beneath his feet,
covering the plastic creatures.
Destroying their homes.
The boy picks up his prize,
crumbling the castle to the ground.
He seems unaware of the damage he's caused,
he is happy and proud, he's got the trophy.
He turns to place it in his city,
on the tallest building, proud.
He turns to see only odd piles of sand remain,
and a little boy, with a look of acopmlishment there.
Piles of sand; ruble and buried toys.
That was all that was left of their worlds.
Destrution and corruption.
Greed and revenge.
The parents intervine, but always too late.
They preach discussion over violence.
But they do not pratice what they preach.
How will we ever learn?
Ah so. Yeah. The ending is a bit.... eh. Well the whole thing is, but the end is more so. Haha.
Goodnight. This is getting too long.
Spread the smiles. :D
I'm trying I'm trying, is that worth nothing to you?
15.8.10
This is a land of dreams.
Lovely lovely lovely. Why do I not live here?
Today my grandma took my brother and I to a lake. And he swam. And I took photos.
Then we went home and had lunch.
My grandma and stepgrandpa wanted to go on a walk. So we went. And we were walking for like 4 hours. Picking mushrooms, finding frogs, taking pictures, deep in the forests of sweden. And it was slightly raining off and on.
Then we came home and had dinner. During which it started to rain like crazy. So my brother and I went on another walk. And yepp! It was lovely. :D
Many people might find wandering around in forests full of mushrooms and moss would be icky, but it is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. :D
It's peaceful and beautiful and cool and interesting and exciting. All in one!
Ha... So anyways. I head home in about a week. :/ And then school starts 3 days later.
And I still have mounds off summer homework to do... But I'll let it be. It'll all work out.
Hopefully. Haha
So... Yeah. I am going to go now. When I get back I'll try and write about how I've been feeling and such. :) I guess.
Haha. Goodbye!
Spread the smiles. :D
Don't give up, not yet.
Today my grandma took my brother and I to a lake. And he swam. And I took photos.
Then we went home and had lunch.
My grandma and stepgrandpa wanted to go on a walk. So we went. And we were walking for like 4 hours. Picking mushrooms, finding frogs, taking pictures, deep in the forests of sweden. And it was slightly raining off and on.
Then we came home and had dinner. During which it started to rain like crazy. So my brother and I went on another walk. And yepp! It was lovely. :D
Many people might find wandering around in forests full of mushrooms and moss would be icky, but it is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. :D
It's peaceful and beautiful and cool and interesting and exciting. All in one!
Ha... So anyways. I head home in about a week. :/ And then school starts 3 days later.
And I still have mounds off summer homework to do... But I'll let it be. It'll all work out.
Hopefully. Haha
So... Yeah. I am going to go now. When I get back I'll try and write about how I've been feeling and such. :) I guess.
Haha. Goodbye!
Spread the smiles. :D
Don't give up, not yet.
13.8.10
Don't bother with me, it's not worth it.
Unwilling to change.
Wanting the unhappiness.
Desperate for pity.
Unaccepting of help.
Hmmm.
Today was quite lovely.
First we went to Borås. Which is an adorable little town. Well... not so little. Haha the one I'm staying in is much smaller. But it's not big. It's cute. I like it there. We just went shopping a little. By we, I mean my brother and I. I got 2 more pairs of shoes. :D I have an unhealthy obsession. But it's not as bad as my mothers... So... Yepp. Haha. And my brother bought a CD.
Then we headed back to Skene and my brother and I went on a little walk down the center street and I took a few pictures and things. And then we went back and had dinner. And then we went on another walk and got ice cream and played on a playground. :)
I really wish I lived here. It's so lovely. Everywhere.
Tomorrow we are going on a walk all day in a lovely forest and we're bring coffee and bullar (little cinnamon roll things.) Yum.
School is making me stressed. Everyone already has their schedule... I won't get mine till the day before school and I'm switching like 4 of my classes so I won't ever know really what my schedule is untill maybe the end of the first week of school... Bleh. And I have so much to do before... the 3 days I'm home before school will be filled with homework. Lots of it.
Ah goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Distract me from the crumbling walls. Paint them with flowers and trees and wonderful clouds. Hurry quick, before I catch on.
Wanting the unhappiness.
Desperate for pity.
Unaccepting of help.
Hmmm.
Today was quite lovely.
First we went to Borås. Which is an adorable little town. Well... not so little. Haha the one I'm staying in is much smaller. But it's not big. It's cute. I like it there. We just went shopping a little. By we, I mean my brother and I. I got 2 more pairs of shoes. :D I have an unhealthy obsession. But it's not as bad as my mothers... So... Yepp. Haha. And my brother bought a CD.
Then we headed back to Skene and my brother and I went on a little walk down the center street and I took a few pictures and things. And then we went back and had dinner. And then we went on another walk and got ice cream and played on a playground. :)
I really wish I lived here. It's so lovely. Everywhere.
Tomorrow we are going on a walk all day in a lovely forest and we're bring coffee and bullar (little cinnamon roll things.) Yum.
School is making me stressed. Everyone already has their schedule... I won't get mine till the day before school and I'm switching like 4 of my classes so I won't ever know really what my schedule is untill maybe the end of the first week of school... Bleh. And I have so much to do before... the 3 days I'm home before school will be filled with homework. Lots of it.
Ah goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Distract me from the crumbling walls. Paint them with flowers and trees and wonderful clouds. Hurry quick, before I catch on.
12.8.10
Let us hold hands and pretend we never existed.
I never ever want to go home. But I could never focus in a place with such lovely surroundings... But then again, why do I need to focus?
School stresses me out way to much. It starts so soon!! Which is really bad. Way to soon! I don't like being worried. Stupid school...
Hmm. Today, I went on a walk into the forest. It's always so wonderful! And then I went down to the lake with my brother and then we walked back. :) And now I'm just waiting for dinner to be done.
So. I'm going to share with you a story that I wrote in the fall/winter of last year. :) Because I don't really know what else to write. I must warn you, it is kind of long...
One day in the forest, a little boy, Kyle, and his big brother, Erik, were playing tag. Erik was chasing Kyle, and one of them accidently stepped on, and smashed a mushroom while playing their game. The boys didn’t even notice, and kept playing burning all their excessive energy, that they had gained while locked up at school all day. When the sun began to set, their mother called from the edge of the forest, telling them to come home for dinner. They hurried off home, as to not make their mother mad, leaving the smashed mushroom right in the middle of the path.
Later in the evening, the friends of the unfortunate mushroom, the one who had been smashed during the day, decided that the mushrooms of the forest needed to have a meeting. When darkness fell, all the mushrooms met up in their secret cottage by the big willow tree, where meetings were held. They discussed the lack of appreciation they had received from the two boys that day, and from many time before, and decided that they were going to plan a week for mushroom appreciation. The mushroom leader, Caption Sir Joseph of Chanterelles, went up to the front of the crowd and started to speak,
"I, as the leader of our civilization, must say that I am terribly appalled by the act of those two young boys, and the constant lack of appreciation for us mushrooms. And I think that we very much need to have this week of Appreciation. But because it is very late and some of you have children to put to bed, I shall make this meeting short. We'll continue later planning the week of appreciation"
The mushrooms all clapped and cheered, everyone loved him; he was the best leader they'd ever had. Caption Sir Joseph continued,
"Tomorrow when the boys come to our forest, they will find a million mushrooms where they usually play; mushrooms of every color. They will be too amazed to step on you and will turn around. Don't fear, I know this will work."
The crowed started to hope, but also fear, and he continued,
"And tomorrow we will meet at 14:00, here in the village to continue panning the upcoming week."
The mushrooms left after that. Sir Joseph walked to the river to think and come up with more ideas for the Mushroom Appreciation Week.
The next day the two young boys, Erik and Kyle, came to the forest again to play tag, but when they got to the place where they played every day, a crowd of new mushrooms had grown overnight. They were everywhere! The boys couldn’t take even one step without smashing a mushroom. The two boys were amazed; the mushrooms were the prettiest mushrooms they had ever seen, all colors and designs and sizes and shapes! They’d feel awful if they killed even just one of these incredible mushrooms. They decided to go play in a different place. Kyle was very sad they couldn’t play in their favorite spot but Erik told him it was for the better, and the game wouldn’t be any less fun. They would find a much better place Erik told Kyle while they walked towards the edge of the forest. As the boys left the mushrooms were filled with relief, because they weren’t confident that the boys would care enough to not step on them.
Later at 14:00, the mushrooms were gathering by the secret willow village. One mushroom named Annika, she was the prettiest of all, came to the meeting in tears. She was a very tall mushroom, with a perfectly round, pearly white stem, and a deep redish purple color flawlessly painted on her cap, but now she was drooping with sadness. No one knew why she was crying and she couldn’t get the words to speak. All the mushrooms feared that something awful had happened, they didn’t know what though, and anxiety grew within them. Finally, the tallest mushroom, Pelle came to assist. He was the same type as Annika, only slightly taller, his cap was a brownish red, and his stem was dirtied with mud. When he was close enough, he saw she had a brown wet leaf stuck to her perfectly colored cap. Pelle gladly plucked off the horrid leaf and she conjured up the confidence to tell her story.
"I was just hopping to our village, when..."
she took a breath and looked up into the trees,
"a squirrel threw down this big ugly leaf right onto my cap."
The other mushrooms were astounded at the rudeness of the squirrel, but they had never been the greatest friends with the squirrels. Annika, finally free of tears, told the group of mushrooms under the willow, that the week of Mushroom Appreciation was going to need to be much bigger than planned if they wanted to make any sort of impact on the outside world. She then suggested,
"We have to get the entire forest involved."
She looked hopeful at the big task in front of them. Sir Joseph hopped over to Annika and gave her a hug of comfort and then he looked over to Pelle and told him that is was very kind of him to help Annika with her issue. Joseph then looked to the whole crowd and said
"I think that what Annika has told us, is a very good point. We need the whole forest to know about how unappreciated we feel. For the next two days, I would be very glad if you all could go around and tell everyone about the Mushroom Appreciation Week."
The crowd gladly agreed to help raise awareness in the forest. Then Sir Joseph wished them good luck and hoped he too could tell as many creatures as possible. For the next two days, the mushrooms hopped around the forest spreading the news about the upcoming event that was being planned.
By the river, under a beautiful weeping willow tree, lived a mushroom named Jacob of the Smoke-Mushroom. He was known by the mushrooms for two things; being an incredibly talented architect, and being very grumpy. He had built almost every single house in the town. Once he had a beautiful wife and two small children, but that was a long time ago before mushrooms lived in an organized society. His wife had died, and after that his kids left because they couldn’t stand to be around his misery. He was a very lonely angry man, and there was not one thing other then architecture that he could be content with. He thought it was very stupid of the mushrooms to be planning a week for mushroom appreciation.
"No one cares about stupid mushrooms! We are so insignificant; it’s so stupid the Sir Joseph and the rest of them think that it’s going to change anything,"
Jacob thought to himself out loud. Outside of his house, a few little mushrooms were playing Leap Mushroom. They overheard his cynical thoughts and hopped quickly home to tell their parents.
"Mama! Mama!"
cried one of the little mushrooms.
"Yes dear? Don’t shout so loud, you’ll harm your voice or my hearing,"
the mother replied, she was very busy telling everyone about the Mushroom Appreciation Week.
"Mama! You know that old man, who builds everyone’s houses? He was saying that mushrooms are stupid and that this isn’t gonna help! Mama! That’s bad..."
the child looked very worried, and the mother knew it wasn’t good, but Jacob wouldn’t cause too much trouble... at least she hopped...
When Caption Sir Joseph of Chanterelles heard of the news he knew it was serious, and something needed to be done very quickly. It was his best friend, Peter of Chanterelles, who had told him Joseph recalled the conversation.
"Hi umm... Joseph, something is happening. Something very bad."
Peter, his best friend, said nervously.
"Peter! Tell me!"
he had said rather annoyed, he didn’t have time for Peters habit to avoid bad news. Peter quickly spat out the words,
"Well... it’s the squirrels. They want to put a stop to our planning. They’ve gathered a huge group and they are planning and killing you! And anyone who won’t follow their lead!"
Joseph had known that the squirrels wouldn’t be happy, but he didn’t think they’d be so drastic. Joseph called an emergency meeting, even though not everyone would hear of the news, he needed to do something quick.
When the emergency meeting began, there was not one happy face. All were full of worry. The news of the squirrel mob had spread quickly, like a wild fire in the dry summer. Joseph went to the front of the group and told them that they could not try to put up a fight, the squirrels were too strong.
"Grab all the valuables and hide," he told them.
He knew that many of them would be angry to hear his coward act, but he also knew they didn’t stand a chance. He quickly ended the meeting and tried to help everyone hide.
It was just after sunset when the squirrels finally left. Many bodies of mushrooms could be seen on the pathways. Peter and his family were helping all those injured and telling the others it was safe to come out. Never before in the history of mushrooms had such a massacre occurred. Jacob came into the city for the first time on his own accord. Everywhere he saw his work trampled, all the houses he had built were broken. Perhaps only a few remained. But he was more concerned about his two kids. He hadn’t spoken to them in years but when he heard of the attack he felt a very strong need to see them and make sure they were alive. He knew where they lived because he had built the houses many years ago for them. When he got to the place where they both lived he thought they must’ve died. Nothing but squirrel footprints was left. He was devastated and he sat down right where he had never been to visit and cried.
A small group of mushrooms had gathered at the center of the city. Peter told everyone who was capable to try to find others in need, report those who didn’t make it to his wife (who was recording the deaths), and take those injured to his children, who were studying to become doctors. No one was happy, they all just looked around them seeing faces they had seen before in the store or as children or somewhere in the town, laying lifeless on the ground. They all knew they had to pull it together nevertheless.
Around the time of sunrise, 53 mushrooms had been declared dead, 73 injured, and 47 missing. Peter’s family had gotten help from many of the other doctors that were okay and basically all the people who weren’t hurt were trying to help out as well. During all this craziness, no one had seen Caption Sir Joseph. Peter was very worried that the squirrels had succeeded in their plan to kill him, but he knew he had to keep calm and do what his best friend would have done if he hasn’t missing. Peter decided to hold a meeting at midday, until then he would try to get the word out about the meeting and search for Joseph.
By noon, Peter still hadn’t found Sir Joseph, and Peter was worrying more than he had ever before. The Mushroom Appreciation Week was not going to happen if things kept going the way they were. Everyone was worried. Everyone knew someone who had either gone missing, was seriously injured, or had died. Jacob, who was looking for his children heard about the meeting and decided to show up in case they might be there. When he got there he noticed how few people were there, but most of all he noticed that Peter was speaking, not Caption Sir Joseph. He knew something must be up; Peter had spoken before to the Mushrooms, but never after a disaster and never without Sir Joseph right next to him. Even though Jacob didn’t like Sir Joseph he knew that he was needed and could help, otherwise chaos would break out. Jacob was known in the town, and generally well-respected. When he stood up next to Peter in front of the crowd and whispered, the crowd grew with curiosity. Peter was telling the mushrooms about all the missing, injured, and dead mushrooms, and to report to his family if they found anyone else, when Jacob walked up to him and whispered in his ear,
"Where is Caption Sir Joseph?"
Peter knew that he couldn’t hide his worries from Jacob, but he had to try to look calm for the rest of the mushrooms who were already worried enough.
Peter and Jacob met at Jacob’s home, which was still intact because he lived far away from the city. Jacob told Peter that he would try to help him until they knew what happened to Sir Joseph, if he would help him find his children. Jacob said,
"If you find either; Anna of Smoke-Mushrooms, or Sam of Smoke-Mushrooms, please tell me. They are my kids, and even though I haven’t seen them for a long time, I need to know they are okay, and help them through this. I want to try to be a good father to them."
Peter recognized one of the names, Anna. He has seen it on one of the lists, but he didn’t want to worry or upset Jacob so he replied with,
"Okay, of course. I will help you and you can help me. Now I will go check the lists for that name and ask anyone who might know how to find them."
With that Peter left and said as he was leaving that he would be back by sunset to tell his results.
Just before sunset a knock came on Jacob’s door. He opened to meet Peter. Peter then told him that his daughter Anna was on the list of the injured, but his son was not on any list. It had been 24 hours since the attack, so Jacob knew it was a small chance that Sam would be added to one of the lists. He hoped Sam was just fine, and he just didn’t think that his father would care. Peter said Anna was at the center town hospital, and that he would go with Jacob to find her. When they reached the hospital they found Anna almost immediately. She wasn’t as bad as some, and she was going to be fine, but she would have to stay at the hospital for a while. Jacob asked one of Peter’s sons when Anna would be able to leave, the boy replied,
"Your daughter Anna should be able to leave by tomorrow afternoon, Jacob."
He was very glad to hear this and he told his daughter that he would come meet her tomorrow afternoon and she could stay at his house since hers was no longer intact.
When Caption Sir Joseph of Chanterelles was helping all those before the attack, he was taken by one of the squirrels. His first thought was, ‘I’m going to die.’ The squirrel picked him up and ran off, Joseph hit his head when the squirrel picked him up and blacked out. When Joseph woke up, he was on top of a tree surrounded by angry looking squirrels. Joseph looked for ways to escape but he could see none that would work. He then asked the squirrels why they’d taken him, one of them said,
"We do not approve of you mushrooms parading around the forest asking for appreciation when you don’t give anyone else any appreciation... You grow on our trees and kill them so we don’t have any homes! How dare you ask for appreciation!"
Joseph had never known that the squirrels felt this way; he knew they didn’t like mushrooms but he never knew why. He felt awful for being so selfish as to not think of how the squirrels felt. Jacob said in a forgiving tone,
"I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I never knew you had homes in those trees. I’m very sorry; this seems to be just a big misunderstanding."
The same squirrel that had spoken before, now spoke with less harshness,
"I’m not sure I believe you, but I think we can work something out. We will declare a few of our trees for you to grow on, if you don’t take any other trees. If you do kill a tree without permission we will attack, otherwise maybe we can become friends."
Joseph was relieved,
"Yes, of course. I would love to have a new friendship with the squirrels. Would you please take me back to my home, and I will sort everything out?"
One of the squirrels nodded, then picked him up and ran down the tree, headed to the mushroom city....
THE END!
Haha... Yay. :)
One day, if I ever get around to it I'll draw pictures to go along with it!
Anyways. Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.
Let the earth fix your broken soul, or let it strengthen your heart.
School stresses me out way to much. It starts so soon!! Which is really bad. Way to soon! I don't like being worried. Stupid school...
Hmm. Today, I went on a walk into the forest. It's always so wonderful! And then I went down to the lake with my brother and then we walked back. :) And now I'm just waiting for dinner to be done.
So. I'm going to share with you a story that I wrote in the fall/winter of last year. :) Because I don't really know what else to write. I must warn you, it is kind of long...
One day in the forest, a little boy, Kyle, and his big brother, Erik, were playing tag. Erik was chasing Kyle, and one of them accidently stepped on, and smashed a mushroom while playing their game. The boys didn’t even notice, and kept playing burning all their excessive energy, that they had gained while locked up at school all day. When the sun began to set, their mother called from the edge of the forest, telling them to come home for dinner. They hurried off home, as to not make their mother mad, leaving the smashed mushroom right in the middle of the path.
Later in the evening, the friends of the unfortunate mushroom, the one who had been smashed during the day, decided that the mushrooms of the forest needed to have a meeting. When darkness fell, all the mushrooms met up in their secret cottage by the big willow tree, where meetings were held. They discussed the lack of appreciation they had received from the two boys that day, and from many time before, and decided that they were going to plan a week for mushroom appreciation. The mushroom leader, Caption Sir Joseph of Chanterelles, went up to the front of the crowd and started to speak,
"I, as the leader of our civilization, must say that I am terribly appalled by the act of those two young boys, and the constant lack of appreciation for us mushrooms. And I think that we very much need to have this week of Appreciation. But because it is very late and some of you have children to put to bed, I shall make this meeting short. We'll continue later planning the week of appreciation"
The mushrooms all clapped and cheered, everyone loved him; he was the best leader they'd ever had. Caption Sir Joseph continued,
"Tomorrow when the boys come to our forest, they will find a million mushrooms where they usually play; mushrooms of every color. They will be too amazed to step on you and will turn around. Don't fear, I know this will work."
The crowed started to hope, but also fear, and he continued,
"And tomorrow we will meet at 14:00, here in the village to continue panning the upcoming week."
The mushrooms left after that. Sir Joseph walked to the river to think and come up with more ideas for the Mushroom Appreciation Week.
The next day the two young boys, Erik and Kyle, came to the forest again to play tag, but when they got to the place where they played every day, a crowd of new mushrooms had grown overnight. They were everywhere! The boys couldn’t take even one step without smashing a mushroom. The two boys were amazed; the mushrooms were the prettiest mushrooms they had ever seen, all colors and designs and sizes and shapes! They’d feel awful if they killed even just one of these incredible mushrooms. They decided to go play in a different place. Kyle was very sad they couldn’t play in their favorite spot but Erik told him it was for the better, and the game wouldn’t be any less fun. They would find a much better place Erik told Kyle while they walked towards the edge of the forest. As the boys left the mushrooms were filled with relief, because they weren’t confident that the boys would care enough to not step on them.
Later at 14:00, the mushrooms were gathering by the secret willow village. One mushroom named Annika, she was the prettiest of all, came to the meeting in tears. She was a very tall mushroom, with a perfectly round, pearly white stem, and a deep redish purple color flawlessly painted on her cap, but now she was drooping with sadness. No one knew why she was crying and she couldn’t get the words to speak. All the mushrooms feared that something awful had happened, they didn’t know what though, and anxiety grew within them. Finally, the tallest mushroom, Pelle came to assist. He was the same type as Annika, only slightly taller, his cap was a brownish red, and his stem was dirtied with mud. When he was close enough, he saw she had a brown wet leaf stuck to her perfectly colored cap. Pelle gladly plucked off the horrid leaf and she conjured up the confidence to tell her story.
"I was just hopping to our village, when..."
she took a breath and looked up into the trees,
"a squirrel threw down this big ugly leaf right onto my cap."
The other mushrooms were astounded at the rudeness of the squirrel, but they had never been the greatest friends with the squirrels. Annika, finally free of tears, told the group of mushrooms under the willow, that the week of Mushroom Appreciation was going to need to be much bigger than planned if they wanted to make any sort of impact on the outside world. She then suggested,
"We have to get the entire forest involved."
She looked hopeful at the big task in front of them. Sir Joseph hopped over to Annika and gave her a hug of comfort and then he looked over to Pelle and told him that is was very kind of him to help Annika with her issue. Joseph then looked to the whole crowd and said
"I think that what Annika has told us, is a very good point. We need the whole forest to know about how unappreciated we feel. For the next two days, I would be very glad if you all could go around and tell everyone about the Mushroom Appreciation Week."
The crowd gladly agreed to help raise awareness in the forest. Then Sir Joseph wished them good luck and hoped he too could tell as many creatures as possible. For the next two days, the mushrooms hopped around the forest spreading the news about the upcoming event that was being planned.
By the river, under a beautiful weeping willow tree, lived a mushroom named Jacob of the Smoke-Mushroom. He was known by the mushrooms for two things; being an incredibly talented architect, and being very grumpy. He had built almost every single house in the town. Once he had a beautiful wife and two small children, but that was a long time ago before mushrooms lived in an organized society. His wife had died, and after that his kids left because they couldn’t stand to be around his misery. He was a very lonely angry man, and there was not one thing other then architecture that he could be content with. He thought it was very stupid of the mushrooms to be planning a week for mushroom appreciation.
"No one cares about stupid mushrooms! We are so insignificant; it’s so stupid the Sir Joseph and the rest of them think that it’s going to change anything,"
Jacob thought to himself out loud. Outside of his house, a few little mushrooms were playing Leap Mushroom. They overheard his cynical thoughts and hopped quickly home to tell their parents.
"Mama! Mama!"
cried one of the little mushrooms.
"Yes dear? Don’t shout so loud, you’ll harm your voice or my hearing,"
the mother replied, she was very busy telling everyone about the Mushroom Appreciation Week.
"Mama! You know that old man, who builds everyone’s houses? He was saying that mushrooms are stupid and that this isn’t gonna help! Mama! That’s bad..."
the child looked very worried, and the mother knew it wasn’t good, but Jacob wouldn’t cause too much trouble... at least she hopped...
When Caption Sir Joseph of Chanterelles heard of the news he knew it was serious, and something needed to be done very quickly. It was his best friend, Peter of Chanterelles, who had told him Joseph recalled the conversation.
"Hi umm... Joseph, something is happening. Something very bad."
Peter, his best friend, said nervously.
"Peter! Tell me!"
he had said rather annoyed, he didn’t have time for Peters habit to avoid bad news. Peter quickly spat out the words,
"Well... it’s the squirrels. They want to put a stop to our planning. They’ve gathered a huge group and they are planning and killing you! And anyone who won’t follow their lead!"
Joseph had known that the squirrels wouldn’t be happy, but he didn’t think they’d be so drastic. Joseph called an emergency meeting, even though not everyone would hear of the news, he needed to do something quick.
When the emergency meeting began, there was not one happy face. All were full of worry. The news of the squirrel mob had spread quickly, like a wild fire in the dry summer. Joseph went to the front of the group and told them that they could not try to put up a fight, the squirrels were too strong.
"Grab all the valuables and hide," he told them.
He knew that many of them would be angry to hear his coward act, but he also knew they didn’t stand a chance. He quickly ended the meeting and tried to help everyone hide.
It was just after sunset when the squirrels finally left. Many bodies of mushrooms could be seen on the pathways. Peter and his family were helping all those injured and telling the others it was safe to come out. Never before in the history of mushrooms had such a massacre occurred. Jacob came into the city for the first time on his own accord. Everywhere he saw his work trampled, all the houses he had built were broken. Perhaps only a few remained. But he was more concerned about his two kids. He hadn’t spoken to them in years but when he heard of the attack he felt a very strong need to see them and make sure they were alive. He knew where they lived because he had built the houses many years ago for them. When he got to the place where they both lived he thought they must’ve died. Nothing but squirrel footprints was left. He was devastated and he sat down right where he had never been to visit and cried.
A small group of mushrooms had gathered at the center of the city. Peter told everyone who was capable to try to find others in need, report those who didn’t make it to his wife (who was recording the deaths), and take those injured to his children, who were studying to become doctors. No one was happy, they all just looked around them seeing faces they had seen before in the store or as children or somewhere in the town, laying lifeless on the ground. They all knew they had to pull it together nevertheless.
Around the time of sunrise, 53 mushrooms had been declared dead, 73 injured, and 47 missing. Peter’s family had gotten help from many of the other doctors that were okay and basically all the people who weren’t hurt were trying to help out as well. During all this craziness, no one had seen Caption Sir Joseph. Peter was very worried that the squirrels had succeeded in their plan to kill him, but he knew he had to keep calm and do what his best friend would have done if he hasn’t missing. Peter decided to hold a meeting at midday, until then he would try to get the word out about the meeting and search for Joseph.
By noon, Peter still hadn’t found Sir Joseph, and Peter was worrying more than he had ever before. The Mushroom Appreciation Week was not going to happen if things kept going the way they were. Everyone was worried. Everyone knew someone who had either gone missing, was seriously injured, or had died. Jacob, who was looking for his children heard about the meeting and decided to show up in case they might be there. When he got there he noticed how few people were there, but most of all he noticed that Peter was speaking, not Caption Sir Joseph. He knew something must be up; Peter had spoken before to the Mushrooms, but never after a disaster and never without Sir Joseph right next to him. Even though Jacob didn’t like Sir Joseph he knew that he was needed and could help, otherwise chaos would break out. Jacob was known in the town, and generally well-respected. When he stood up next to Peter in front of the crowd and whispered, the crowd grew with curiosity. Peter was telling the mushrooms about all the missing, injured, and dead mushrooms, and to report to his family if they found anyone else, when Jacob walked up to him and whispered in his ear,
"Where is Caption Sir Joseph?"
Peter knew that he couldn’t hide his worries from Jacob, but he had to try to look calm for the rest of the mushrooms who were already worried enough.
Peter and Jacob met at Jacob’s home, which was still intact because he lived far away from the city. Jacob told Peter that he would try to help him until they knew what happened to Sir Joseph, if he would help him find his children. Jacob said,
"If you find either; Anna of Smoke-Mushrooms, or Sam of Smoke-Mushrooms, please tell me. They are my kids, and even though I haven’t seen them for a long time, I need to know they are okay, and help them through this. I want to try to be a good father to them."
Peter recognized one of the names, Anna. He has seen it on one of the lists, but he didn’t want to worry or upset Jacob so he replied with,
"Okay, of course. I will help you and you can help me. Now I will go check the lists for that name and ask anyone who might know how to find them."
With that Peter left and said as he was leaving that he would be back by sunset to tell his results.
Just before sunset a knock came on Jacob’s door. He opened to meet Peter. Peter then told him that his daughter Anna was on the list of the injured, but his son was not on any list. It had been 24 hours since the attack, so Jacob knew it was a small chance that Sam would be added to one of the lists. He hoped Sam was just fine, and he just didn’t think that his father would care. Peter said Anna was at the center town hospital, and that he would go with Jacob to find her. When they reached the hospital they found Anna almost immediately. She wasn’t as bad as some, and she was going to be fine, but she would have to stay at the hospital for a while. Jacob asked one of Peter’s sons when Anna would be able to leave, the boy replied,
"Your daughter Anna should be able to leave by tomorrow afternoon, Jacob."
He was very glad to hear this and he told his daughter that he would come meet her tomorrow afternoon and she could stay at his house since hers was no longer intact.
When Caption Sir Joseph of Chanterelles was helping all those before the attack, he was taken by one of the squirrels. His first thought was, ‘I’m going to die.’ The squirrel picked him up and ran off, Joseph hit his head when the squirrel picked him up and blacked out. When Joseph woke up, he was on top of a tree surrounded by angry looking squirrels. Joseph looked for ways to escape but he could see none that would work. He then asked the squirrels why they’d taken him, one of them said,
"We do not approve of you mushrooms parading around the forest asking for appreciation when you don’t give anyone else any appreciation... You grow on our trees and kill them so we don’t have any homes! How dare you ask for appreciation!"
Joseph had never known that the squirrels felt this way; he knew they didn’t like mushrooms but he never knew why. He felt awful for being so selfish as to not think of how the squirrels felt. Jacob said in a forgiving tone,
"I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I never knew you had homes in those trees. I’m very sorry; this seems to be just a big misunderstanding."
The same squirrel that had spoken before, now spoke with less harshness,
"I’m not sure I believe you, but I think we can work something out. We will declare a few of our trees for you to grow on, if you don’t take any other trees. If you do kill a tree without permission we will attack, otherwise maybe we can become friends."
Joseph was relieved,
"Yes, of course. I would love to have a new friendship with the squirrels. Would you please take me back to my home, and I will sort everything out?"
One of the squirrels nodded, then picked him up and ran down the tree, headed to the mushroom city....
THE END!
Haha... Yay. :)
One day, if I ever get around to it I'll draw pictures to go along with it!
Anyways. Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.
Let the earth fix your broken soul, or let it strengthen your heart.
11.8.10
And the dreams keep going, but with no color and no light.
School starts so soon! Ugh. :(
I'm so not ready.
I have so much to do still... Yucky yuck yuck!
I really don't like school. I can learn on my own, thank you very much.
And about things I actually find worth while.
Oh well... I guess...
I'm back with my grandma. My cousins are so tall... They make me feel incredibly short. Not cool. Haha
I went shopping today and got a jacket and a bag. :D
I have about 9 days or something left here. :( So little... But I do want to get home. I can focus better there on homework. Not that 3 days is a very good amount to do like 3 months worth of stuff, but I have started.... Haha... I'm such a procrastinator. It's a little bit bad...
And I miss people a lot. But eh... I hate this. I miss them. But I miss them before I left. I miss how things were long ago. Oh well....
How I wish I grew up here. It's everything I want. And I know if I grew up here I probably wouldn't think so... But maybe if I could like relive my life and still have the thoughts I have now... This feeling I guess of how perfect things would be.
Haha. I would have traveled throughout europe. I'd have traveled all over also. I'd have all the lovely clothes I want; yes I am quite materialistic, but I love swedish style! It's so cute! I'd speak swedish and english and probably some other language as well as I speak spanish. I'd live near this endless fantastic forest. And the rain, so much rain! And the list goes on and on. Full of completely shallow and such things. :)
Ha... Anyways. Hmm. I think I'll be leaving now.
I'm sorry my posts have been rather boring.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Sorry, I never even gave you a chance. I should have warned you sooner.
I'm so not ready.
I have so much to do still... Yucky yuck yuck!
I really don't like school. I can learn on my own, thank you very much.
And about things I actually find worth while.
Oh well... I guess...
I'm back with my grandma. My cousins are so tall... They make me feel incredibly short. Not cool. Haha
I went shopping today and got a jacket and a bag. :D
I have about 9 days or something left here. :( So little... But I do want to get home. I can focus better there on homework. Not that 3 days is a very good amount to do like 3 months worth of stuff, but I have started.... Haha... I'm such a procrastinator. It's a little bit bad...
And I miss people a lot. But eh... I hate this. I miss them. But I miss them before I left. I miss how things were long ago. Oh well....
How I wish I grew up here. It's everything I want. And I know if I grew up here I probably wouldn't think so... But maybe if I could like relive my life and still have the thoughts I have now... This feeling I guess of how perfect things would be.
Haha. I would have traveled throughout europe. I'd have traveled all over also. I'd have all the lovely clothes I want; yes I am quite materialistic, but I love swedish style! It's so cute! I'd speak swedish and english and probably some other language as well as I speak spanish. I'd live near this endless fantastic forest. And the rain, so much rain! And the list goes on and on. Full of completely shallow and such things. :)
Ha... Anyways. Hmm. I think I'll be leaving now.
I'm sorry my posts have been rather boring.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Sorry, I never even gave you a chance. I should have warned you sooner.
10.8.10
Time and time agian.
This is lovely. There is supposed to be a picture with but I can't figure out anything with swedish writing.... So. Yeah. Haha. I thought I'd just say it. :D
The Rules are:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.
Ah, today has been nice. :) I went biking. Beautiful in the forest. I want to live here damnit. Then we went to play minigolf and soon I am going with my cousin and he's going to have a call of duty party... Haha... God. It'll be fun?
Anyways. Bye bye!
I love you.
The Rules are:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help.
Ah, today has been nice. :) I went biking. Beautiful in the forest. I want to live here damnit. Then we went to play minigolf and soon I am going with my cousin and he's going to have a call of duty party... Haha... God. It'll be fun?
Anyways. Bye bye!
I love you.
8.8.10
Tell me it's a dream.
I'm not everything you need me to be.
I won't try to change, and I'm sorry for that.
Because you are enough for me.
It's selfish of me to not try to make it work, but honestly I just want someone to think I'm not insane. Not crazy. Not so goddamn imperfect. Or incompetent. Or whatever.
Actually, think I'm insane or crazy, or whatever. But don't try to fix me. I'm so tired of people wanting to fix me.
"You're wonderful," "You're amazing," "but I wish you could...," "I just want you to..."
I don't need anyone to say they love me. I've heard it enough. It doesn't mean anything. Just makes me hope for what I'd like. Then I know I won't get it. And then I just feel foolish, and tell myself there is something horribly wrong with me.
Well...
Today we picked up my brother. He can speak maybe 10 words of swedish now. Haha... :)
But he seems to understand a little more...
Mostly just sat in the car for a long time driving...
I have been reading. Twilight. Bleh... So annoying... haha but better than what need to read for school.
Ah... Good bye!
I won't try to change, and I'm sorry for that.
Because you are enough for me.
It's selfish of me to not try to make it work, but honestly I just want someone to think I'm not insane. Not crazy. Not so goddamn imperfect. Or incompetent. Or whatever.
Actually, think I'm insane or crazy, or whatever. But don't try to fix me. I'm so tired of people wanting to fix me.
"You're wonderful," "You're amazing," "but I wish you could...," "I just want you to..."
I don't need anyone to say they love me. I've heard it enough. It doesn't mean anything. Just makes me hope for what I'd like. Then I know I won't get it. And then I just feel foolish, and tell myself there is something horribly wrong with me.
Well...
Today we picked up my brother. He can speak maybe 10 words of swedish now. Haha... :)
But he seems to understand a little more...
Mostly just sat in the car for a long time driving...
I have been reading. Twilight. Bleh... So annoying... haha but better than what need to read for school.
Ah... Good bye!
7.8.10
5.8.10
Into the universe and then back out.
Back in Sweden!
:)
Budapest was wonderful.
And we spent a day in Vienna.
Ah. I'll tell you about my trip I suppose...
Haha... Uhm. I never do this... People complain about it. But I don't because I'm really horrible at explaining things and such.
This first day we spent most of our time walking around near the Donau river.
Just getting a feel for the city.
The next day, Sunday, everything was closed pretty much. But we wandered around. I think we went to this place on the other side of the river this day. It was at the top of a hill and you could see like the whole city. Which was beautiful. And there was this little shop with pretty things and my grandma and I each bought a necklace. :D
And when we walked down we went on this cute little trail and ended up next to a waterfall. :) And then we went to this wonderful green bridge. :D But when we got to the other side we were slightly lost. Haha...
Monday: This day we went and saw the castle and looked at some churches. I wish churches at home would be so pretty... Uhm. Then we wandered through the city some more. And fun stuff.
Tuesday: Shopping day. :) Haha I got 3 pairs of shoes. And my grandma got 2 and a skirt I think... Ah. We went to this lovely park also... :)
Wednesday: We spent the day in Vienna. :D Which was lovely. We got coffee and chocolate cakes in the morning. Yum. And then we wandered around the center of the city. And went to some of the "must see" places. One of which was a magnificent church. :) Haha... And then we went and walked along the Donau for a bit. Which the walls were covered in amazing graffiti. It was beautiful. Then we went to dinner, and then took the latest train back to Budapest.
Thursday: This was our last day. We packed and then we went to a shopping area and I got a backpack and a shirt. And then we wandered the city some more. And then it was time to go!
Haha. So as you can probably tell, I really like churches/places for worship. Well... when they aren't at home. Even though I absolutely hate what they are all about... :)
Ah... I'm going to end this now.
Goodnight or day or whatever!
:)
Budapest was wonderful.
And we spent a day in Vienna.
Ah. I'll tell you about my trip I suppose...
Haha... Uhm. I never do this... People complain about it. But I don't because I'm really horrible at explaining things and such.
This first day we spent most of our time walking around near the Donau river.
Just getting a feel for the city.
The next day, Sunday, everything was closed pretty much. But we wandered around. I think we went to this place on the other side of the river this day. It was at the top of a hill and you could see like the whole city. Which was beautiful. And there was this little shop with pretty things and my grandma and I each bought a necklace. :D
And when we walked down we went on this cute little trail and ended up next to a waterfall. :) And then we went to this wonderful green bridge. :D But when we got to the other side we were slightly lost. Haha...
Monday: This day we went and saw the castle and looked at some churches. I wish churches at home would be so pretty... Uhm. Then we wandered through the city some more. And fun stuff.
Tuesday: Shopping day. :) Haha I got 3 pairs of shoes. And my grandma got 2 and a skirt I think... Ah. We went to this lovely park also... :)
Wednesday: We spent the day in Vienna. :D Which was lovely. We got coffee and chocolate cakes in the morning. Yum. And then we wandered around the center of the city. And went to some of the "must see" places. One of which was a magnificent church. :) Haha... And then we went and walked along the Donau for a bit. Which the walls were covered in amazing graffiti. It was beautiful. Then we went to dinner, and then took the latest train back to Budapest.
Thursday: This was our last day. We packed and then we went to a shopping area and I got a backpack and a shirt. And then we wandered the city some more. And then it was time to go!
Haha. So as you can probably tell, I really like churches/places for worship. Well... when they aren't at home. Even though I absolutely hate what they are all about... :)
Ah... I'm going to end this now.
Goodnight or day or whatever!
29.7.10
Farther from the moon we go.
So it was another rainy day.
And I was a little bored and really tired because I'd finished my book and didn't sleep well and yeah.
So I added some pointless games and things to my blog! Because I'm a loser like that. :) Haha... Enjoy!
So I was thinking today about friendships and whatnot.
I like them better when they are full of tension. Well I don't like them better, I actually hate them a lot. But once the tension is resolved, I miss it...
So... :/ yeah...
Ah. I want sugar. Sounds delicious.
Not plain sugar... Just something with it in it. Yum...
Haha. I'm such a fatass.
Tomorrow I am going to Budapest and I don't come back till the 5th! I'm quite very excited. And we may go to Prauge for a night... :D
Haha I am also a spoiled brat.
Ah. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
And I was a little bored and really tired because I'd finished my book and didn't sleep well and yeah.
So I added some pointless games and things to my blog! Because I'm a loser like that. :) Haha... Enjoy!
So I was thinking today about friendships and whatnot.
I like them better when they are full of tension. Well I don't like them better, I actually hate them a lot. But once the tension is resolved, I miss it...
So... :/ yeah...
Ah. I want sugar. Sounds delicious.
Not plain sugar... Just something with it in it. Yum...
Haha. I'm such a fatass.
Tomorrow I am going to Budapest and I don't come back till the 5th! I'm quite very excited. And we may go to Prauge for a night... :D
Haha I am also a spoiled brat.
Ah. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
28.7.10
Long winding roads, into deep dark forests.
Today I have been thinking an enormous amount.
About totally random shit, and some relevant stuff. :) haha
Like how the cars drive here, it's weird. I think their freeways seem safer, but the city roads are much more confusing... And yeah. This is totally really interesting.... :) haha... not really.
Also I started this book last night that fills me with absolute disgust. Go Ask Alice. It's quite interesting but it makes me think of people I've met and things and it makes me sad. And it's horribly disgusting. The book isn't really disgusting just the thoughts it brings me are horrid.
Yeah!
My sketch book thing I have to do for art is making me stressed... I think I'll do it all wrong... My teacher won't like it! He'll think it's dumb. Bleh... I don't konw what to do with it... Or what I should be doing with it really. Stupid....
Ha... I miss my friends... I want them here.
I dearly want my own little cute apartment for me to decorate. That would be the most amazing thing in the world... It would be so much fun!
Today I found this old coffee bean grinder and it's absolutley adorable. It was at this second hand store that I quite like, and it was cheap so now it is in the kitchen! So tomorrow afternoon I am grinding some coffee with it and making some delicious coffee! I'm excited. It's going to be very cool. :D
Ha. Well good afternoon, morning, evening. What ever it may be. I hope you are happy, at least to some extent. :)
Spread the smiles, my friends.
About totally random shit, and some relevant stuff. :) haha
Like how the cars drive here, it's weird. I think their freeways seem safer, but the city roads are much more confusing... And yeah. This is totally really interesting.... :) haha... not really.
Also I started this book last night that fills me with absolute disgust. Go Ask Alice. It's quite interesting but it makes me think of people I've met and things and it makes me sad. And it's horribly disgusting. The book isn't really disgusting just the thoughts it brings me are horrid.
Yeah!
My sketch book thing I have to do for art is making me stressed... I think I'll do it all wrong... My teacher won't like it! He'll think it's dumb. Bleh... I don't konw what to do with it... Or what I should be doing with it really. Stupid....
Ha... I miss my friends... I want them here.
I dearly want my own little cute apartment for me to decorate. That would be the most amazing thing in the world... It would be so much fun!
Today I found this old coffee bean grinder and it's absolutley adorable. It was at this second hand store that I quite like, and it was cheap so now it is in the kitchen! So tomorrow afternoon I am grinding some coffee with it and making some delicious coffee! I'm excited. It's going to be very cool. :D
Ha. Well good afternoon, morning, evening. What ever it may be. I hope you are happy, at least to some extent. :)
Spread the smiles, my friends.
27.7.10
patterns in the shadows.
Today was fun.
My brother and I went on a walk and walked through the forest and we found a swamp. It was nice. And we wandered all over. And I got a bunch of pictures. Then later we went on another walk because my brother wanted to swim. Which was also fun and I took more pictures.
And then my grandma came to pick us up and take us back to her apartment.
And my brother and I went on another walk, to walk the dog. :)
And just barely I finished some of my art project thing which I am beginning to like more and more... Even though I think it'll be really hard...
Good day.
This place is gorgeous. I aboslutely love it. I wish I lived here.
Ah. Goodnight. I'm tired.
Spread the smiles! :D
My brother and I went on a walk and walked through the forest and we found a swamp. It was nice. And we wandered all over. And I got a bunch of pictures. Then later we went on another walk because my brother wanted to swim. Which was also fun and I took more pictures.
And then my grandma came to pick us up and take us back to her apartment.
And my brother and I went on another walk, to walk the dog. :)
And just barely I finished some of my art project thing which I am beginning to like more and more... Even though I think it'll be really hard...
Good day.
This place is gorgeous. I aboslutely love it. I wish I lived here.
Ah. Goodnight. I'm tired.
Spread the smiles! :D
26.7.10
Want
When you want something, and you want it real bad, you try to get it,
but then you see you'll never have it, something will always be there in the way,
you won't ever have it, your efforts are useless,
but you keep trying and hoping, but in vain,
and never do you really give up, you are just left with an empty little place,
empty because you made space for it and with the small hope you leave the space free,
even though you know that really that space won't ever be rightfully filled,
and that it's just a little spot where pain and anger will make home,
but you allow it, because just in case, just in case you might get it.
but then you see you'll never have it, something will always be there in the way,
you won't ever have it, your efforts are useless,
but you keep trying and hoping, but in vain,
and never do you really give up, you are just left with an empty little place,
empty because you made space for it and with the small hope you leave the space free,
even though you know that really that space won't ever be rightfully filled,
and that it's just a little spot where pain and anger will make home,
but you allow it, because just in case, just in case you might get it.
25.7.10
Rainy day.
It's been raining all day.
Nonstop.
Stand outside for a moment and you'll be soaked.
Tomorrow will probably be like this too most of the day.
I've been inside reading and doing various homework things.
I started this project that I think will be quite impossible also.
It's for art and I really have no confidence in myself.
Haha. But I started, and maybe it won't be so hard... But still difficult.
Ha I have so much I need to do... :(
Stupid school... This is summer! Don't make us suffer yet..
I really wish I lived here.
It's like my dream place.
Anywhere in Sweden would really be okay.
I love the cute little houses and nature and the weather and the cities. Everything is so cute and pretty.
And I definitely wouldn't miss the sun.
Haha. I think it's quite perfect.
I wish I were older though.
I hate this.
But it's okay.
I can wait. Try to make the best of it while I wait.
I suppose.
Hmm. Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.
Nonstop.
Stand outside for a moment and you'll be soaked.
Tomorrow will probably be like this too most of the day.
I've been inside reading and doing various homework things.
I started this project that I think will be quite impossible also.
It's for art and I really have no confidence in myself.
Haha. But I started, and maybe it won't be so hard... But still difficult.
Ha I have so much I need to do... :(
Stupid school... This is summer! Don't make us suffer yet..
I really wish I lived here.
It's like my dream place.
Anywhere in Sweden would really be okay.
I love the cute little houses and nature and the weather and the cities. Everything is so cute and pretty.
And I definitely wouldn't miss the sun.
Haha. I think it's quite perfect.
I wish I were older though.
I hate this.
But it's okay.
I can wait. Try to make the best of it while I wait.
I suppose.
Hmm. Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.
24.7.10
Because more of what we see is with us longer than we think.
And because we can't seem to make sense of these messes they always lay before us.
And it's like we've forgotten that we can turn around and go back or around.
Though we've forgotten that we have to go back to the messes to clean them up, and that they are usually easier to get sooner rather than later.
And because we can't seem to make sense of these messes they always lay before us.
And it's like we've forgotten that we can turn around and go back or around.
Though we've forgotten that we have to go back to the messes to clean them up, and that they are usually easier to get sooner rather than later.
23.7.10
And we find that we don't sink afterall.
I miss my phone.
I am WAY to attached to it.
Well it's here. And on even. I miss texting I should say.
Today I bought these little bottles. Because they are really cute. And really cheap. And I'm just wierd.
:D
I also went to Borås. And just wandered around a little bit.
The weather is perfect. Though my brother thinks it's to cold. I am in heaven though.
And in the evening we went to my step grandpa's house in the country and my brother and I went exploring in the forest. :D
Then we came back to my grandma's apartment and watched a movie. :)
I miss people. They should come with. That would be cool...
Instead of my brother... Who is quite annoying.
I have so much stuff to do for school... Which kinda sucks. Because well... yeah. :)
Ah. Well I'm going to stop saying random things that don't matter.
I love you!
Goodbye.
Spread the smiles!
I am WAY to attached to it.
Well it's here. And on even. I miss texting I should say.
Today I bought these little bottles. Because they are really cute. And really cheap. And I'm just wierd.
:D
I also went to Borås. And just wandered around a little bit.
The weather is perfect. Though my brother thinks it's to cold. I am in heaven though.
And in the evening we went to my step grandpa's house in the country and my brother and I went exploring in the forest. :D
Then we came back to my grandma's apartment and watched a movie. :)
I miss people. They should come with. That would be cool...
Instead of my brother... Who is quite annoying.
I have so much stuff to do for school... Which kinda sucks. Because well... yeah. :)
Ah. Well I'm going to stop saying random things that don't matter.
I love you!
Goodbye.
Spread the smiles!
Sweden
I am in Sweden. :D
It's lovely.
I dislike planes. And my brother. And people who try to talk to me that I don't know...
Planes because they are loud and uncomfortable and scary and have gross food. And really just a lot of reasons. haha
My brother, because he is unbelievably stupid...
And the last, because it's wierd and even if I do my best to act normal, they still look at me like I'm some kind of freak...
:)
I tried writing on the plane but I didn't come up with anything worth while...
Ah. Goodnight. or.. Afternoon?
Spread the smiles. :D
It's lovely.
I dislike planes. And my brother. And people who try to talk to me that I don't know...
Planes because they are loud and uncomfortable and scary and have gross food. And really just a lot of reasons. haha
My brother, because he is unbelievably stupid...
And the last, because it's wierd and even if I do my best to act normal, they still look at me like I'm some kind of freak...
:)
I tried writing on the plane but I didn't come up with anything worth while...
Ah. Goodnight. or.. Afternoon?
Spread the smiles. :D
21.7.10
Of worlds and dreams.
Oh. So I wrote this poem.
I don't really like it, but kinda. It shows how I feel though. Kinda. Haha
It is untitled, like everything I write. :) Titles are for losers.
In a circle of hands.
Hands surrounding.
Palms up, waiting, yearning.
Screaming, "Pick me, pick me."
One hand has a friendly face,
but chains and spikes lay on the wrists.
Another is full of color,
but the skin looks rough and fake.
One is naked and plain,
no smile, or frown.
The next is strong,
deep secrets throughout the palm.
One is hidden,
beneath a mask of tattoos.
Beside it, is a hand,
whose fingers curl with hunger.
Pick one. Risk it.
Go.
:)
Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.
I probably won't be posting for a week or maybe more.
I'm not really sure what my schedule is like yet... :)
I don't really like it, but kinda. It shows how I feel though. Kinda. Haha
It is untitled, like everything I write. :) Titles are for losers.
In a circle of hands.
Hands surrounding.
Palms up, waiting, yearning.
Screaming, "Pick me, pick me."
One hand has a friendly face,
but chains and spikes lay on the wrists.
Another is full of color,
but the skin looks rough and fake.
One is naked and plain,
no smile, or frown.
The next is strong,
deep secrets throughout the palm.
One is hidden,
beneath a mask of tattoos.
Beside it, is a hand,
whose fingers curl with hunger.
Pick one. Risk it.
Go.
:)
Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.
I probably won't be posting for a week or maybe more.
I'm not really sure what my schedule is like yet... :)
20.7.10
18.7.10
One, two, skip a few, ninety-nine, 100.
Ah so... Camping wasn't exactly camping. haha
We camped in the backyard. :)
And, this is my hundredth post! So, I'll share with you, 100 things about me. If I can think of that many... :)
Prepare for a boring post!
1. I have been to 14 countries (USA, Sweden, Denmark, Mexico, Costa Rica, Italy, Cambodia, Japan, China (Hong Kong only), Thailand, Vietnam, Netherlands, Belgium, and Jamaica.)
2. And soon I'll also have visited Hungry, making it 15 countries I've been to.
3. But I have only been to 12 states, 5 of which I was only driving through.
4. I have horrible eating habits.
5. I had a tumor when I was 2.
6. I also had lead poisoning when I was 3.
7. I have lived in Utah my whole life.
8. Though I've lived in 6 different houses.
9. I worry about my friends way more than necessary.
10. I have terrible spelling.
11. I'm very easily stressed.
12. Horses are scary.
13. This is already getting difficult... I like cheese?
14. I like people who are greatly damaged.
15. Talking about myself, especially in person, is absolutely horrifying.
16. I want to be there for everyone, I want to help them out, even if I can't take it.
17. I become easily dependent on people, but rarely do they know just how much I think I need them.
18. I break easy, and heal slowly.
19. I still miss him, a lot.
20. And it makes me feel incredibly stupid and pathetic.
21. I think violence is completely unnecessary.
22. Most people seem to have forgotten all the rules of kindergarten, or they just don't think they apply to the real world.
23. I'm simple and childish, but those I let in don't see how simple I really am.
24. People have told me I'm weird my whole life.
25. I find people incredibly interesting, you may be the most boring person I've ever met, but I will still find you very interesting.
26. I like to find patterns. In people, math, science, countries, whatever.
27. I miss being a little kid.
28. I'm scared of what will come in the future, greatly.
29. Telling people my secrets isn't a very hard thing to do.
30. Letting them know how much I care is though.
31. I expect far to much from people, and even though I know that, I keep on expecting it.
32. I set myself up to fall.
33. I hate losing.
34. If I don't think I can succeed I won't try and I will make it apparent that I'm not trying.
35. I hate being confronted. Like. A lot.
36. Also I hate confronting people, even more.
37. Though I want people, some people, to pull me apart and dig deeper, figure me out, I'm not willing to start it.
38. And I will try to make it hell for them.
39. I think humanity is corrupt and it will never be fixed.
40. I wish I had grown up in the 70's or 60's, or even back in like the 1600's.
41. When I'm mad, sad, whatever with someone, I will try to make it unnoticed.
42. I don't want people to see me unless I'm happy or at least okay.
43. I can't ever really give up on someone.
44. Drugs should just disappear.
45. I eat when I'm bored, never when I'm hungry.
46. I hate humans, and that is a big problem, seeing that I am one.
47. I focus on the bad. Do you see one good thing in this list?
48. Dr. Pepper is my favorite.
49. I think I'm an incredibly boring person.
50. I don't like bottled water, it tastes funny.
51. I don't like taking medicine.
52. Talking on the phone is weird.
53. I'd much rather be with the person or text them.
54. Close relationships with people don't ever last longer than 2 years.
55. Only once has one lasted longer, and only by a couple of months.
56. I listen to an odd array of music.
57. Right now, my favorite band is Coldplay.
58. I absolutely love to sing. It almost always can brighten my mood.
59. I have a great deficiency in confidence.
60. I have always wanted to be tall. Like 5 ' 10" ish.
61. But I am only about 5' 6".
62. I hate decisions.
63. I like my father more than my mother.
64. When I was younger, I wanted my parents to divorce.
65. My mother wishes I were more like her.
66. I want to be NOTHING like her.
67. My reason for living, is for others. I just want to help out.
68. I dislike how the world revolves around such materialistic things.
69. 3 is my favorite number.
70. And I'm oddly like ocd about it.
71. I also like the number 7. But not as much.
71. I suck at explaining and describing.
72. I hate when I see how I've changed.
73. I hate when I see change in other people too.
74. I look really silly with my hair up. Or with sunglasses.
75. I dislike when other people prepare my food and put it on a plate.
76. This is because I am very picky. And rather than shove things to the side and waste them, and rather just take what I want from the pot or whatever.
77. I like to read the nutrition facts on the back of foods and drinks.
78. But only after it's gone.
79. I do a lot of stupid things. Most of which I am aware that they are stupid before I even do them. Some I even continue to do.
80. There are a couple of things I'd like to be when I grow up, but I don't think I could do any of them well.
81. This world turns people into zombies. I miss people.
82. By zombies, I mean fucking stupid, irritating, self-righteous, horrible, cunning, drug doing, idiotic, assholes.
83. Boats scare me. Well. Water scares me. So boats are fine on land.
84. I want to love someone, and have them love me back.
85. But I'm only 15 and so it's stupid and I refuse to pretend.
86. Sex is not sacred. It's quite meaningless actually.
87. If I were ever to go to a therapist, I would only do it to see what they thought of me, and see if we have come to the same conclusion.
88. I try to hide from myself.
89. I am my own worst enemy.
90. Suicide is an option, it's not out of he question.
91. But I could never do that to all the people I know, unless they all died or proved that they didn't need me.
92. But that also doesn't mean I'm horribly sad and whatnot. It just means that I don't really think death is such a horrible place to be.
93. Sweden is my favorite place. It is so beautiful.
94. I've not been able to sleep normally in quite a few years.
95. And I have never had very good dreams.
96. I think my life is good.
97. I'm just pathetic and can't seem to look past all my faults and bad things.
98. I like making lists and planing. Even though I don't use them. But if I don't actually have them written down somewhere, I forget.
99. I like the color black. And purple.
100. I hate how people throw around the words 'I love you.'
Ah. That was difficult.
Haha...
Sorry for wasting your time.
See, I told you. I'm quite ordinary. Just like everyone else.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles!
We camped in the backyard. :)
And, this is my hundredth post! So, I'll share with you, 100 things about me. If I can think of that many... :)
Prepare for a boring post!
1. I have been to 14 countries (USA, Sweden, Denmark, Mexico, Costa Rica, Italy, Cambodia, Japan, China (Hong Kong only), Thailand, Vietnam, Netherlands, Belgium, and Jamaica.)
2. And soon I'll also have visited Hungry, making it 15 countries I've been to.
3. But I have only been to 12 states, 5 of which I was only driving through.
4. I have horrible eating habits.
5. I had a tumor when I was 2.
6. I also had lead poisoning when I was 3.
7. I have lived in Utah my whole life.
8. Though I've lived in 6 different houses.
9. I worry about my friends way more than necessary.
10. I have terrible spelling.
11. I'm very easily stressed.
12. Horses are scary.
13. This is already getting difficult... I like cheese?
14. I like people who are greatly damaged.
15. Talking about myself, especially in person, is absolutely horrifying.
16. I want to be there for everyone, I want to help them out, even if I can't take it.
17. I become easily dependent on people, but rarely do they know just how much I think I need them.
18. I break easy, and heal slowly.
19. I still miss him, a lot.
20. And it makes me feel incredibly stupid and pathetic.
21. I think violence is completely unnecessary.
22. Most people seem to have forgotten all the rules of kindergarten, or they just don't think they apply to the real world.
23. I'm simple and childish, but those I let in don't see how simple I really am.
24. People have told me I'm weird my whole life.
25. I find people incredibly interesting, you may be the most boring person I've ever met, but I will still find you very interesting.
26. I like to find patterns. In people, math, science, countries, whatever.
27. I miss being a little kid.
28. I'm scared of what will come in the future, greatly.
29. Telling people my secrets isn't a very hard thing to do.
30. Letting them know how much I care is though.
31. I expect far to much from people, and even though I know that, I keep on expecting it.
32. I set myself up to fall.
33. I hate losing.
34. If I don't think I can succeed I won't try and I will make it apparent that I'm not trying.
35. I hate being confronted. Like. A lot.
36. Also I hate confronting people, even more.
37. Though I want people, some people, to pull me apart and dig deeper, figure me out, I'm not willing to start it.
38. And I will try to make it hell for them.
39. I think humanity is corrupt and it will never be fixed.
40. I wish I had grown up in the 70's or 60's, or even back in like the 1600's.
41. When I'm mad, sad, whatever with someone, I will try to make it unnoticed.
42. I don't want people to see me unless I'm happy or at least okay.
43. I can't ever really give up on someone.
44. Drugs should just disappear.
45. I eat when I'm bored, never when I'm hungry.
46. I hate humans, and that is a big problem, seeing that I am one.
47. I focus on the bad. Do you see one good thing in this list?
48. Dr. Pepper is my favorite.
49. I think I'm an incredibly boring person.
50. I don't like bottled water, it tastes funny.
51. I don't like taking medicine.
52. Talking on the phone is weird.
53. I'd much rather be with the person or text them.
54. Close relationships with people don't ever last longer than 2 years.
55. Only once has one lasted longer, and only by a couple of months.
56. I listen to an odd array of music.
57. Right now, my favorite band is Coldplay.
58. I absolutely love to sing. It almost always can brighten my mood.
59. I have a great deficiency in confidence.
60. I have always wanted to be tall. Like 5 ' 10" ish.
61. But I am only about 5' 6".
62. I hate decisions.
63. I like my father more than my mother.
64. When I was younger, I wanted my parents to divorce.
65. My mother wishes I were more like her.
66. I want to be NOTHING like her.
67. My reason for living, is for others. I just want to help out.
68. I dislike how the world revolves around such materialistic things.
69. 3 is my favorite number.
70. And I'm oddly like ocd about it.
71. I also like the number 7. But not as much.
71. I suck at explaining and describing.
72. I hate when I see how I've changed.
73. I hate when I see change in other people too.
74. I look really silly with my hair up. Or with sunglasses.
75. I dislike when other people prepare my food and put it on a plate.
76. This is because I am very picky. And rather than shove things to the side and waste them, and rather just take what I want from the pot or whatever.
77. I like to read the nutrition facts on the back of foods and drinks.
78. But only after it's gone.
79. I do a lot of stupid things. Most of which I am aware that they are stupid before I even do them. Some I even continue to do.
80. There are a couple of things I'd like to be when I grow up, but I don't think I could do any of them well.
81. This world turns people into zombies. I miss people.
82. By zombies, I mean fucking stupid, irritating, self-righteous, horrible, cunning, drug doing, idiotic, assholes.
83. Boats scare me. Well. Water scares me. So boats are fine on land.
84. I want to love someone, and have them love me back.
85. But I'm only 15 and so it's stupid and I refuse to pretend.
86. Sex is not sacred. It's quite meaningless actually.
87. If I were ever to go to a therapist, I would only do it to see what they thought of me, and see if we have come to the same conclusion.
88. I try to hide from myself.
89. I am my own worst enemy.
90. Suicide is an option, it's not out of he question.
91. But I could never do that to all the people I know, unless they all died or proved that they didn't need me.
92. But that also doesn't mean I'm horribly sad and whatnot. It just means that I don't really think death is such a horrible place to be.
93. Sweden is my favorite place. It is so beautiful.
94. I've not been able to sleep normally in quite a few years.
95. And I have never had very good dreams.
96. I think my life is good.
97. I'm just pathetic and can't seem to look past all my faults and bad things.
98. I like making lists and planing. Even though I don't use them. But if I don't actually have them written down somewhere, I forget.
99. I like the color black. And purple.
100. I hate how people throw around the words 'I love you.'
Ah. That was difficult.
Haha...
Sorry for wasting your time.
See, I told you. I'm quite ordinary. Just like everyone else.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles!
16.7.10
14.7.10
13.7.10
9!
9 days till I leave!
I can't wait.
Haha though I'm nervous. I hate airports and airplanes. And just yeah.
Haha and I still have a ton to do for school. :/ bleh.
Hmm... well...
Uhm. I've been super lame lately. I've just been busy I guess. And don't know what to say.
So goodnight.
Spread the smiles!
I can't wait.
Haha though I'm nervous. I hate airports and airplanes. And just yeah.
Haha and I still have a ton to do for school. :/ bleh.
Hmm... well...
Uhm. I've been super lame lately. I've just been busy I guess. And don't know what to say.
So goodnight.
Spread the smiles!
12.7.10
Lame.
Hello. :)
I'm terrified of crying.
I hate it.
I don't want to ever admit I'm sad.
Ever.
I'm not really sure what made me like this.
Hmmm.
I hate nerves.
Haha.
I'm much to often nervous.
Ah. I'm tired too. So goodnight.
Next time I post I'll try and think of something more interesting to say... :)
Spread the smiles.
I'm terrified of crying.
I hate it.
I don't want to ever admit I'm sad.
Ever.
I'm not really sure what made me like this.
Hmmm.
I hate nerves.
Haha.
I'm much to often nervous.
Ah. I'm tired too. So goodnight.
Next time I post I'll try and think of something more interesting to say... :)
Spread the smiles.
11.7.10
10.7.10
Insanity.
Haha... Hi.
I'm in an odd mood.
It's hot.
I am both sad and happy all at once!
And stressed and careless! All at the same time.
I think... it's gotten me to lose my head. Hahaha
I'm stressed about school, and leaving soon, and all the things that need to get done! But I don't have time and oh no!
I'm careless because I've decided I can't get it all done, so why even try? Haha... great philosophy, right?
I'm sad, because I'm jealous, and I want...that. :)
And happy because... well maybe I just had to much sugar.
Too much time with myself making me lose all the ropes keeping me tied together.
It's way to hot.
I want to go already.
Summer feels so short.
Too short.
I'm not ready for school.
I'm tooooo stupid.
And... just all over the place.
AH!
:(
Ha. :)
I want to be a little kid again, or an adult.
Why can't I just skip ages 8-25?
That'd be quite perfect.
Just lovely.
STUID TEENAGERS MAKING MY HEAD FALL OFF.
Haha, I'm kidding, I won't blame it on them. It's my doing.
Heh. Hmmm.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles. :D
I'm in an odd mood.
It's hot.
I am both sad and happy all at once!
And stressed and careless! All at the same time.
I think... it's gotten me to lose my head. Hahaha
I'm stressed about school, and leaving soon, and all the things that need to get done! But I don't have time and oh no!
I'm careless because I've decided I can't get it all done, so why even try? Haha... great philosophy, right?
I'm sad, because I'm jealous, and I want...that. :)
And happy because... well maybe I just had to much sugar.
Too much time with myself making me lose all the ropes keeping me tied together.
It's way to hot.
I want to go already.
Summer feels so short.
Too short.
I'm not ready for school.
I'm tooooo stupid.
And... just all over the place.
AH!
:(
Ha. :)
I want to be a little kid again, or an adult.
Why can't I just skip ages 8-25?
That'd be quite perfect.
Just lovely.
STUID TEENAGERS MAKING MY HEAD FALL OFF.
Haha, I'm kidding, I won't blame it on them. It's my doing.
Heh. Hmmm.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles. :D
8.7.10
Freaaaak
Maybe it all makes sense.
Maybe I'm not fucking crazy.
Maybe...
I feel very odd.
Haha..
I have an abnormal interest in medicine and the way the body works and what things do to it.
I could sit and research random shit for hours having to do with chemicals in some plant and how it'd effect the body, or how certain diseases are caused and why they do what they do to the body and all sorts of fun stuff!
:D
I like understanding why something hurts or why whatever. haha
It's so interesting!
Ah....
I need to try to sleep.
I have been not getting nearly enough.
So goodnight.
Feel better.
Maybe I'm not fucking crazy.
Maybe...
I feel very odd.
Haha..
I have an abnormal interest in medicine and the way the body works and what things do to it.
I could sit and research random shit for hours having to do with chemicals in some plant and how it'd effect the body, or how certain diseases are caused and why they do what they do to the body and all sorts of fun stuff!
:D
I like understanding why something hurts or why whatever. haha
It's so interesting!
Ah....
I need to try to sleep.
I have been not getting nearly enough.
So goodnight.
Feel better.
6.7.10
Better.
Today was quite good.
Even if I was on the passing out tiredness level all day.
I was up all night. Pretty much. Slept from like 4 till 6. And then for like an hour in the morning.
Then I got out of bed around 10, and went to the apartments my parents are fixing up, and read for about 2 hours.
Then I went dress shopping and got 3 dresses. :D
I don't really wear dresses, so it's kind of a new thing. But I think they are really cute. :)
And then I spent the day with Liz and her sister Cate and it was quite fun. Even if we didn't do to much. :)
I was really surprised that I didn't feel horribly hideous in the dresses.
Usually I can't stand buying clothes because I just dislike how I look.
Today I didn't though! :)
Hmmm.
I just feel good.
Content.
Not peaceful quite, but content.
I feel like it's going to be fine.
I don't feel so guilty, or full of self hate.
A little. But much less then average.
Hmmm. :)
I'm worn out.
So goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Even if I was on the passing out tiredness level all day.
I was up all night. Pretty much. Slept from like 4 till 6. And then for like an hour in the morning.
Then I got out of bed around 10, and went to the apartments my parents are fixing up, and read for about 2 hours.
Then I went dress shopping and got 3 dresses. :D
I don't really wear dresses, so it's kind of a new thing. But I think they are really cute. :)
And then I spent the day with Liz and her sister Cate and it was quite fun. Even if we didn't do to much. :)
I was really surprised that I didn't feel horribly hideous in the dresses.
Usually I can't stand buying clothes because I just dislike how I look.
Today I didn't though! :)
Hmmm.
I just feel good.
Content.
Not peaceful quite, but content.
I feel like it's going to be fine.
I don't feel so guilty, or full of self hate.
A little. But much less then average.
Hmmm. :)
I'm worn out.
So goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
What good does it do?
Because you don't want help,
everyone is willing to help.
The moment you ask for a hand,
all the hands will retreat.
They will call you needy.
They will call you selfish.
I only want to help you.
Is it such a crime?
To want to help you.
You were friend,
when did I become foe?
I miss you.
Why can't I help you?
Why do you shut down, and refuse to speak?
You say, leave me alone.
Well, give me a chance.
I can't leave you alone when you won't even speak.
I'm worried.
You're my everything.
It pains me to see such a horrid monster inside you.
I am nothing to you though.
Nothing but a stone in the gravel.
Nothing more to you than I am to the world.
You are my world, and I am your pebble.
I'm sorry.
But I miss you.
How can you throw me away so easily?
Hmmm...
I'm so tired.
I'm sick with worry though.
So many things in the world to fear.
Too many for my little head to even understand them all.
They haunt me.
I worry about you.
But what good does it do?
I have asked that now twice today.
I asked you, and you said not a word. You left.
I guess it's my fault.
I knew you didn't want to talk.
But I tried anyways.
It's just I'm worried..
Hmmm. Goodnight.
Sleep well, friend and foe.
I love you, whoever you are.
everyone is willing to help.
The moment you ask for a hand,
all the hands will retreat.
They will call you needy.
They will call you selfish.
I only want to help you.
Is it such a crime?
To want to help you.
You were friend,
when did I become foe?
I miss you.
Why can't I help you?
Why do you shut down, and refuse to speak?
You say, leave me alone.
Well, give me a chance.
I can't leave you alone when you won't even speak.
I'm worried.
You're my everything.
It pains me to see such a horrid monster inside you.
I am nothing to you though.
Nothing but a stone in the gravel.
Nothing more to you than I am to the world.
You are my world, and I am your pebble.
I'm sorry.
But I miss you.
How can you throw me away so easily?
Hmmm...
I'm so tired.
I'm sick with worry though.
So many things in the world to fear.
Too many for my little head to even understand them all.
They haunt me.
I worry about you.
But what good does it do?
I have asked that now twice today.
I asked you, and you said not a word. You left.
I guess it's my fault.
I knew you didn't want to talk.
But I tried anyways.
It's just I'm worried..
Hmmm. Goodnight.
Sleep well, friend and foe.
I love you, whoever you are.
5.7.10
Feel.
Anger is the most disgusting feeling ever.
Guilt is the most horrid.
Incompetence is the most destructive.
Peace is the most sought.
To me that is.
Rarely do I feel anger.
Well... Towards anyone other than myself that is.
To myself I can deal with it.
But to others.
It is disgusting.
It is so gross.
To feel such hatred for a person.
And rarely does it last.
It quickly dissolves to self hate, disappointment, or sadness.
Guilt is a common feeling.
I always feel I'm doing something wrong.
Something I should know not to do.
I'm always doing something wrong.
I'm never doing something enough.
Never good enough.
Incompetence comes with the guilt.
I'm not good enough.
It comes with everything.
A good word said seems to go unnoticed.
But every bad thing, it's always swimming inside my head.
Peace...
Peace is rare.
Something I cherish greatly.
Peace is a hard thing to obtain.
Hmmm.
Goodnight.
I love you guys.
Spread the smiles, as best you can.
Guilt is the most horrid.
Incompetence is the most destructive.
Peace is the most sought.
To me that is.
Rarely do I feel anger.
Well... Towards anyone other than myself that is.
To myself I can deal with it.
But to others.
It is disgusting.
It is so gross.
To feel such hatred for a person.
And rarely does it last.
It quickly dissolves to self hate, disappointment, or sadness.
Guilt is a common feeling.
I always feel I'm doing something wrong.
Something I should know not to do.
I'm always doing something wrong.
I'm never doing something enough.
Never good enough.
Incompetence comes with the guilt.
I'm not good enough.
It comes with everything.
A good word said seems to go unnoticed.
But every bad thing, it's always swimming inside my head.
Peace...
Peace is rare.
Something I cherish greatly.
Peace is a hard thing to obtain.
Hmmm.
Goodnight.
I love you guys.
Spread the smiles, as best you can.
Control me.
Go on,
Point out another flaw.
Please,
I live off of your displeasure.
Come on,
Kick me when I'm down.
Come on,
Use your advantage.
Take it,
I know you want to.
Come on already.
Break my skin.
Hurt me.
Take everything I need.
Take everything I love.
Hurt me.
Make me feel.
Make me want nothing but death.
Show me what pain is.
Come on,
I dare you.
Hurt me.
Fucking hurt me!
On propose.
It's so much easier that way.
So much more bearable.
Hmmm....
I hate relationships.
Of any kind.
Bleh.
I fucking hate you, and you and you.
Please just leave.
Leave.
And let me blame myself for it.
Let me torture myself, death is to easy.
Let me punish myself.
I'll never learn.
I want to leave already.
I hate this place.
Goodnight.
Point out another flaw.
Please,
I live off of your displeasure.
Come on,
Kick me when I'm down.
Come on,
Use your advantage.
Take it,
I know you want to.
Come on already.
Break my skin.
Hurt me.
Take everything I need.
Take everything I love.
Hurt me.
Make me feel.
Make me want nothing but death.
Show me what pain is.
Come on,
I dare you.
Hurt me.
Fucking hurt me!
On propose.
It's so much easier that way.
So much more bearable.
Hmmm....
I hate relationships.
Of any kind.
Bleh.
I fucking hate you, and you and you.
Please just leave.
Leave.
And let me blame myself for it.
Let me torture myself, death is to easy.
Let me punish myself.
I'll never learn.
I want to leave already.
I hate this place.
Goodnight.
3.7.10
Poison.
How can what keeps me alive, feel like such a villain?
How can it be that what tortures me, is supposed to be in my control?
How is it that I can argue with myself so long, and over and over, when I know there is no solution?
Why am I such poison to myself?
Meh...
You seem so distant and far away.
Can I wrongly blame what I hate, so I can hate you, for making such a choice?
Can't I just be mad?
I'm mad at you.
How could you do such a stupid thing?
How can you hurt me so much?
So willingly, and openly?
But. Then I know...
It isn't you.
You don't know it hurts me.
You don't know what I think.
And besides, it's your choice, not mine.
I just wish you could come to the same conclusions.
I wish you could see through my disguise.
And it's stupid, I know.
I should just take off the mask.
But that's not the point...
I don't want to pull you along.
I want you to just meet me here.
But you can't.
And I'm sorry, for ever expecting so much.
It's cruel and stupid.
I am cruel and stupid.
And selfish.
And harmful.
And I don't listen.
And I won't help.
And I make things difficult.
I run when you get close.
And scream when you are far.
I don't make sense.
And I'm so unreasonable.
Yet... How come you try?
How do you see any good at all?
I'm sorry.
I complain a lot.
It's annoying, I assume.
Well. Goodbye.
How can it be that what tortures me, is supposed to be in my control?
How is it that I can argue with myself so long, and over and over, when I know there is no solution?
Why am I such poison to myself?
Meh...
You seem so distant and far away.
Can I wrongly blame what I hate, so I can hate you, for making such a choice?
Can't I just be mad?
I'm mad at you.
How could you do such a stupid thing?
How can you hurt me so much?
So willingly, and openly?
But. Then I know...
It isn't you.
You don't know it hurts me.
You don't know what I think.
And besides, it's your choice, not mine.
I just wish you could come to the same conclusions.
I wish you could see through my disguise.
And it's stupid, I know.
I should just take off the mask.
But that's not the point...
I don't want to pull you along.
I want you to just meet me here.
But you can't.
And I'm sorry, for ever expecting so much.
It's cruel and stupid.
I am cruel and stupid.
And selfish.
And harmful.
And I don't listen.
And I won't help.
And I make things difficult.
I run when you get close.
And scream when you are far.
I don't make sense.
And I'm so unreasonable.
Yet... How come you try?
How do you see any good at all?
I'm sorry.
I complain a lot.
It's annoying, I assume.
Well. Goodbye.
1.7.10
Run, coward, run.
I want an answer.
To a question I don't dare ask.
And I don't dare find the words, even to formulate it.
I don't dare think what I'd like the answer to be.
I leave it inside, hopping it'll rot into nothingness.
Stop haunting my mind.
I don't dare ask, because I did before, and it led to internal madness.
Madness that nearly smothered my every thought.
Madness that was too thick to see past.
Madness of a horrid nature, set to kill.
I want an answer.
Solid and doubtless.
I want proof.
I want no hesitation, or conflict, or confusion.
I want an answer that I can hold, and won't break.
But the question is out of mind.
The question cannot, for the life of me, cannot be spoken.
But I beg for this answer, in vain.
I am a coward.
Run, run again.
See how far I'll get this time before I fall in exhaust.
It's a guaranteed lose of game.
Or a movie, set on repeat.
It never changes, but the players still act as though they've got a chance.
When anyone watching from a far can see perfectly well that it's headed to a black hole.
To a question I don't dare ask.
And I don't dare find the words, even to formulate it.
I don't dare think what I'd like the answer to be.
I leave it inside, hopping it'll rot into nothingness.
Stop haunting my mind.
I don't dare ask, because I did before, and it led to internal madness.
Madness that nearly smothered my every thought.
Madness that was too thick to see past.
Madness of a horrid nature, set to kill.
I want an answer.
Solid and doubtless.
I want proof.
I want no hesitation, or conflict, or confusion.
I want an answer that I can hold, and won't break.
But the question is out of mind.
The question cannot, for the life of me, cannot be spoken.
But I beg for this answer, in vain.
I am a coward.
Run, run again.
See how far I'll get this time before I fall in exhaust.
It's a guaranteed lose of game.
Or a movie, set on repeat.
It never changes, but the players still act as though they've got a chance.
When anyone watching from a far can see perfectly well that it's headed to a black hole.
30.6.10
And a million...
Will I ask to much, and push you away?
Will you let me push you away?
Will you be there tomorrow?
Or the next day?
Will you let me help?
Will you let me try?
Can I trust you?
Can I believe what you say?
Is it alright?
Can I venture unguarded?
Is it okay for my secrets to be untold?
What are the unsaid rules?
What are the lies?
What's right?
What's wrong?
What's important?
What can wait?
Are you ready?
Do you need help?
Are you okay?
Will it be okay?
Will it hurt still, in the future?
Will I be enough?
Can I tell you I miss you?
Do you miss me too?
Will you tell me what's wrong?
And let me help?
WIll you forgive me?
Can I forgive you?
What are you scared of?
What must I face?
Can I trust that you'll make it past the tough, and still be around?
Can I be able to need you?
Or will I just hurt myself in the end?
Or will you?
Is it stupid?
How should I act?
What should I care about?
What can I say?
How will it work?
Will you understand, how I am?
Is it okay, for me to be this way?
Will you try to fix me, because I'm inadequate?
What will you say?
What will you think?
Will you let me push you away?
Will you be there tomorrow?
Or the next day?
Will you let me help?
Will you let me try?
Can I trust you?
Can I believe what you say?
Is it alright?
Can I venture unguarded?
Is it okay for my secrets to be untold?
What are the unsaid rules?
What are the lies?
What's right?
What's wrong?
What's important?
What can wait?
Are you ready?
Do you need help?
Are you okay?
Will it be okay?
Will it hurt still, in the future?
Will I be enough?
Can I tell you I miss you?
Do you miss me too?
Will you tell me what's wrong?
And let me help?
WIll you forgive me?
Can I forgive you?
What are you scared of?
What must I face?
Can I trust that you'll make it past the tough, and still be around?
Can I be able to need you?
Or will I just hurt myself in the end?
Or will you?
Is it stupid?
How should I act?
What should I care about?
What can I say?
How will it work?
Will you understand, how I am?
Is it okay, for me to be this way?
Will you try to fix me, because I'm inadequate?
What will you say?
What will you think?
29.6.10
Gotta give up one day..
Can't waste all your efforts on a black hole.
No matter how curious you are.
Or how much you want it.
One day you have to give up.
Went on another run today.
Was good.
Today was good over all.
Didn't think much, which is usually best.
Woke up around 7, read till 10.
Got up, got ready.
Walked to downtown.
Saw a movie.
Walked around down town.
Ran.
Tomorrow I believe I am painting for my mother.
To make some money.
I feel like there is too much I want to do,
and much too little time.
With no priorities, and no goal.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Finally today wasn't so goddamn warm.
I was about dying.
:)
I'm sorry, my posts have been lame.
I just don't feel like getting into my mind.
It's working fine, I don't want to disturb it.
:)
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
No matter how curious you are.
Or how much you want it.
One day you have to give up.
Went on another run today.
Was good.
Today was good over all.
Didn't think much, which is usually best.
Woke up around 7, read till 10.
Got up, got ready.
Walked to downtown.
Saw a movie.
Walked around down town.
Ran.
Tomorrow I believe I am painting for my mother.
To make some money.
I feel like there is too much I want to do,
and much too little time.
With no priorities, and no goal.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Finally today wasn't so goddamn warm.
I was about dying.
:)
I'm sorry, my posts have been lame.
I just don't feel like getting into my mind.
It's working fine, I don't want to disturb it.
:)
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
28.6.10
Slow down.
Today has been good. For the most part.
Sunday I spent the day at lagoon. Haha.. With Amanda Panda. :)
Today I slept horribly but it didn't really make me tired.
Cleaned for about 2 hours. Read for a lot.
Wrote some lyrics. I think I may actually like how they're turning out... And a friend wrote a guitar line to go along. So. That's kind neat. :D maybe. haha.
And went on a lovely evening walk/run.
Phone calls are so awkward.... Ah.
They make me feel so weird.
Unless... You're Liz, and you're reading me a story. :D
Or you just want to ask something and then hang up.
But if you expect a conversation... God so weird.
Or if you happen to be Circles, then I'll gladly try to not feel so awkward.
Summer feels like it's going by so quick..
I'm scared for school..
It's gonna be hard this year.
Hmm. Today my mother expressed that she thinks I'm fat.
I really don't care what she thinks so much.
Just that when she says things like that, she tries to make it sound nice.
And it's fucking irritating.
Just be a bitch if you're going to, don't try to make it seem like we are still, or ever were, friends.
Be mean, and take the blame.
Don't hobble around trying to get some pity, because I'm the nothing near perfect daughter you're stuck with.
Don't try to seem so innocent.
Don't get them to think I'm so fucking terrible, when you're pulling the strings.
Don't make them look at me while you're right behind me moving me like a puppet.
Don't say something mean and then try to hide it with a compliment.
That's not how it fucking works.
Be nice, be mean. Don't fucking be in between.
Rhyme ^ :)
Haha.
I had a dream last night. In one of my short moments of sleep.
I don't remember much..
Terrorists attacked. We all turned against each other.
We all died.
That's about how it went.
:)
Ah.
Well... I'm going to go read now.
Sweet dreams!
Spread the smiles. :)
Sunday I spent the day at lagoon. Haha.. With Amanda Panda. :)
Today I slept horribly but it didn't really make me tired.
Cleaned for about 2 hours. Read for a lot.
Wrote some lyrics. I think I may actually like how they're turning out... And a friend wrote a guitar line to go along. So. That's kind neat. :D maybe. haha.
And went on a lovely evening walk/run.
Phone calls are so awkward.... Ah.
They make me feel so weird.
Unless... You're Liz, and you're reading me a story. :D
Or you just want to ask something and then hang up.
But if you expect a conversation... God so weird.
Or if you happen to be Circles, then I'll gladly try to not feel so awkward.
Summer feels like it's going by so quick..
I'm scared for school..
It's gonna be hard this year.
Hmm. Today my mother expressed that she thinks I'm fat.
I really don't care what she thinks so much.
Just that when she says things like that, she tries to make it sound nice.
And it's fucking irritating.
Just be a bitch if you're going to, don't try to make it seem like we are still, or ever were, friends.
Be mean, and take the blame.
Don't hobble around trying to get some pity, because I'm the nothing near perfect daughter you're stuck with.
Don't try to seem so innocent.
Don't get them to think I'm so fucking terrible, when you're pulling the strings.
Don't make them look at me while you're right behind me moving me like a puppet.
Don't say something mean and then try to hide it with a compliment.
That's not how it fucking works.
Be nice, be mean. Don't fucking be in between.
Rhyme ^ :)
Haha.
I had a dream last night. In one of my short moments of sleep.
I don't remember much..
Terrorists attacked. We all turned against each other.
We all died.
That's about how it went.
:)
Ah.
Well... I'm going to go read now.
Sweet dreams!
Spread the smiles. :)
24.6.10
Death weather.
Fuck this horrid death weather.
I am not made for such an oven.
I don't wish to be roasted.
Though it was only in the 90's today.
I CANNOT STAND IT.
And it's just going to be warmer. And warmer.
Who the hell ever said I should live here?
Whose rotten idea of torture was it?
Today was the first time in a while that I actually spent the majority of the day outside.
I've been hiding from the death monster in the sky. Most people refer to it as the sun though.
I walked for about an hour to downtown and went to the arts festival. Very cool. I saw some people there.
Then I went to Sugar House and saw Alice in Wonderland.
Now I really want to see the version I used to LOVE as a kid.
I want to read the book also...
The movie was okay. But really I just love the story. I always have.
Also. My power for some reason was gone all day. Kind of not so cool... But it's back now. :)
Hmm.
I don't want to influence peoples lives.
Even if it's just slight.
I don't want to.
I'm most definitely wrong.
Hmmm.
I'm going to just end this now. Because I have a book waiting for me. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest.
I'm very sad that it is the last by Stieg Larsson. I have quite enjoyed his writing.
But I guess I have piles and long lists of books to read. The list grows much faster than I can read.
Well.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Read a book. :)
I am not made for such an oven.
I don't wish to be roasted.
Though it was only in the 90's today.
I CANNOT STAND IT.
And it's just going to be warmer. And warmer.
Who the hell ever said I should live here?
Whose rotten idea of torture was it?
Today was the first time in a while that I actually spent the majority of the day outside.
I've been hiding from the death monster in the sky. Most people refer to it as the sun though.
I walked for about an hour to downtown and went to the arts festival. Very cool. I saw some people there.
Then I went to Sugar House and saw Alice in Wonderland.
Now I really want to see the version I used to LOVE as a kid.
I want to read the book also...
The movie was okay. But really I just love the story. I always have.
Also. My power for some reason was gone all day. Kind of not so cool... But it's back now. :)
Hmm.
I don't want to influence peoples lives.
Even if it's just slight.
I don't want to.
I'm most definitely wrong.
Hmmm.
I'm going to just end this now. Because I have a book waiting for me. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest.
I'm very sad that it is the last by Stieg Larsson. I have quite enjoyed his writing.
But I guess I have piles and long lists of books to read. The list grows much faster than I can read.
Well.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Read a book. :)
23.6.10
One day we'll all have to learn to grow up.
People always meet the conclusion that I am the one at fault.
I am the broken one.
I am the corrupt one.
I am the problem.
I'm the one with the cold, horrid face.
I am the monster hiding in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect moment.
I am the one who cannot feel, and who does not care.
This is what people come to think.
This is what they say, when I let them close.
This is all they see.
They don't see that I have hope for them, that I love them, that I need them.
They don't see past my defense.
They don't see past the protection.
They don't understand.
I don't want them to see me struggle or fear or hurt.
Why is the better of me, not good enough?
Why do people assume the worse of me will be good enough?
I know it isn't.
Why won't people just take what I give them, not fight for more?
I can't give you more. It hurts. I don't want you to see me hurt.
I don't want to rely on you, because it's stupid. And I always expect the worse.
Though, I do rely on you. But I can't let you know, because then you can watch me as I hurt.
And I can't let you see me hurt.
I've always been ashamed of hurting.
I've always been ashamed of needing someone. Someone to help.
I'm ashamed of anything that isn't considered good.
Hmmm. I do care. I always will. I just can't have you hurt me with it.
Good afternoon. :)
Spread the smiles. :D
I am the broken one.
I am the corrupt one.
I am the problem.
I'm the one with the cold, horrid face.
I am the monster hiding in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect moment.
I am the one who cannot feel, and who does not care.
This is what people come to think.
This is what they say, when I let them close.
This is all they see.
They don't see that I have hope for them, that I love them, that I need them.
They don't see past my defense.
They don't see past the protection.
They don't understand.
I don't want them to see me struggle or fear or hurt.
Why is the better of me, not good enough?
Why do people assume the worse of me will be good enough?
I know it isn't.
Why won't people just take what I give them, not fight for more?
I can't give you more. It hurts. I don't want you to see me hurt.
I don't want to rely on you, because it's stupid. And I always expect the worse.
Though, I do rely on you. But I can't let you know, because then you can watch me as I hurt.
And I can't let you see me hurt.
I've always been ashamed of hurting.
I've always been ashamed of needing someone. Someone to help.
I'm ashamed of anything that isn't considered good.
Hmmm. I do care. I always will. I just can't have you hurt me with it.
Good afternoon. :)
Spread the smiles. :D
22.6.10
Spoken through the lips of a monster.
Hello.
I'm such a mean sister.
Hahaha
I needed to fix my brothers facebook name.
He was spelling his name incorrectly and I must say that it was making me go berserk.
So. I just to fix it.
:)
I shouldn't abuse my knowledge of his passwords... Ah, but it is so fun.
Though, I sent him an email informing him of his new password and why I had to fix it.
I think it is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
He shall be happy that his sister cares so much about what people think of him.
I mean, he doesn't want his friends/family thinking he's so dumb he can't spell his name... Would he?
Nope.
:D
So. I feel like everything is going wrong.
Or... More like it's not getting better.
All the things that I had worked out in my head, the things I told myself would go away or get fixed.
All those problems are still laying around. And I still don't know how to fix them.
I still don't know how to make the messes go away.
For some reason I thought I could ignore them and they'd just... evaporate?
I don't know.
I thought it would get better.
I thought time would fix the issues.
Clean up the messes.
But then I walked back into those rooms, and they had the same messes.
They were still not fixed.
The waiting, waiting for time to make things better, has been just as much a waste as making the messes in the first place.
Ah. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Hmmm.
I think people say things they don't mean. Way to often.
I hate it.
Because I trust them to mean what they say.
And so often they don't.
And you'd think I'd learn.
But so many things push me into trusting people.
In my weird unspoken way.
I really do want to give people a chance.
I really do.
I want to be the person there when you need a hand.
But so often you just want someone else.
So often you just pull me down too.
And I guess I should realize that it's a risk I have to take if I want to be that way.
But sometimes I'd like a hand too.
Sometimes I'd like to see you stand on your own too.
Because I know, I know you can.
It's just all in your head.
I dunno.
Hmmm.
Goodnight.
I'm boring you all to death.
Spread the smiles, my dears.
I'm such a mean sister.
Hahaha
I needed to fix my brothers facebook name.
He was spelling his name incorrectly and I must say that it was making me go berserk.
So. I just to fix it.
:)
I shouldn't abuse my knowledge of his passwords... Ah, but it is so fun.
Though, I sent him an email informing him of his new password and why I had to fix it.
I think it is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
He shall be happy that his sister cares so much about what people think of him.
I mean, he doesn't want his friends/family thinking he's so dumb he can't spell his name... Would he?
Nope.
:D
So. I feel like everything is going wrong.
Or... More like it's not getting better.
All the things that I had worked out in my head, the things I told myself would go away or get fixed.
All those problems are still laying around. And I still don't know how to fix them.
I still don't know how to make the messes go away.
For some reason I thought I could ignore them and they'd just... evaporate?
I don't know.
I thought it would get better.
I thought time would fix the issues.
Clean up the messes.
But then I walked back into those rooms, and they had the same messes.
They were still not fixed.
The waiting, waiting for time to make things better, has been just as much a waste as making the messes in the first place.
Ah. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Hmmm.
I think people say things they don't mean. Way to often.
I hate it.
Because I trust them to mean what they say.
And so often they don't.
And you'd think I'd learn.
But so many things push me into trusting people.
In my weird unspoken way.
I really do want to give people a chance.
I really do.
I want to be the person there when you need a hand.
But so often you just want someone else.
So often you just pull me down too.
And I guess I should realize that it's a risk I have to take if I want to be that way.
But sometimes I'd like a hand too.
Sometimes I'd like to see you stand on your own too.
Because I know, I know you can.
It's just all in your head.
I dunno.
Hmmm.
Goodnight.
I'm boring you all to death.
Spread the smiles, my dears.
21.6.10
Put it to an end.
I wish I could just turn off all feeling.
I don't want to be sad or mad or happy or hopeful or curious or anything.
I just want it gone.
I'm sick of being nervous and worried.
I'm tired of being scared.
Just make it all stop.
It's making me crazy.
I'm so tired of feeling crazy.
I'm so sick of the inconsistency.
I'm so fucking sick of it.
Why can't I just stick with one emotion for just a little moment.
Why do I always need to feel stressed or nervous or worried?
I just want a break for a couple of days!
But I can't get a break from myself.
And that has always been the problem.
Bleh...
Hmmm.
I passed drivers ed today.
Haha -10.
I kept forgetting to check my blind spot.
And he was just grumpy today...
I need to walk more.
I'm just so lazy...
And then when I finally decide to go I realize that I have a lot to do...
So. I am going to clean my room.
And if my mother is not home I will clean upstairs also. :)
And I will read for a bit.
And I will do my online classes.
Maybe go on a walk?
Ah... This seems to ambitious.
Haha... :)
I need to do it.
I will.
Hopefully.
Good afternoon...ish.
:)
Spread the smiles.
Feel better.
Drink coffee. Or Dr. Pepper.
Yummy.
Eat mac and cheese.
Yumm.
Go on a walk?
Okay.
I'm done now. :)
I don't want to be sad or mad or happy or hopeful or curious or anything.
I just want it gone.
I'm sick of being nervous and worried.
I'm tired of being scared.
Just make it all stop.
It's making me crazy.
I'm so tired of feeling crazy.
I'm so sick of the inconsistency.
I'm so fucking sick of it.
Why can't I just stick with one emotion for just a little moment.
Why do I always need to feel stressed or nervous or worried?
I just want a break for a couple of days!
But I can't get a break from myself.
And that has always been the problem.
Bleh...
Hmmm.
I passed drivers ed today.
Haha -10.
I kept forgetting to check my blind spot.
And he was just grumpy today...
I need to walk more.
I'm just so lazy...
And then when I finally decide to go I realize that I have a lot to do...
So. I am going to clean my room.
And if my mother is not home I will clean upstairs also. :)
And I will read for a bit.
And I will do my online classes.
Maybe go on a walk?
Ah... This seems to ambitious.
Haha... :)
I need to do it.
I will.
Hopefully.
Good afternoon...ish.
:)
Spread the smiles.
Feel better.
Drink coffee. Or Dr. Pepper.
Yummy.
Eat mac and cheese.
Yumm.
Go on a walk?
Okay.
I'm done now. :)
20.6.10
Mother.
I cannot stand my family.
No. No. That's a lie.
They're okay as long as my mother isn't home.
And if it's not just me and my brothers.
If it's my dad, brothers, and I it is just fine.
But the second my mom gets back the whole house turns into a big scream fest.
Because we clean and make it look nice for her arrival and the minute she walks through the door she just finds messes for us to clean up. She doesn't ask either, she just yells.
Nothing is ever good enough for her.
I don't get why she ever had kids. She'd be so much happier without them.
And then my brothers just have no respect for me whatsoever. Their favorite thing to do is spit on me or try to give me bruises.
Anyways. I just went on a walk. Before I went, I wrote that. Haha
Walks calm me down. They are my savior.
Ah.
I have a lot more to say but I won't because it'll make me sad... So... Yeah.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
No. No. That's a lie.
They're okay as long as my mother isn't home.
And if it's not just me and my brothers.
If it's my dad, brothers, and I it is just fine.
But the second my mom gets back the whole house turns into a big scream fest.
Because we clean and make it look nice for her arrival and the minute she walks through the door she just finds messes for us to clean up. She doesn't ask either, she just yells.
Nothing is ever good enough for her.
I don't get why she ever had kids. She'd be so much happier without them.
And then my brothers just have no respect for me whatsoever. Their favorite thing to do is spit on me or try to give me bruises.
Anyways. I just went on a walk. Before I went, I wrote that. Haha
Walks calm me down. They are my savior.
Ah.
I have a lot more to say but I won't because it'll make me sad... So... Yeah.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
18.6.10
Distractions.
So. First I must say that strapless bras are not very comfortable.
I don't even know why I am wearing it. It's not like it matters... I'm wearing a big huge hideous jacket...
Ah. I don't know. I'm just losing my mind.
Ha. Okay.
Well anyways....
I have found a perfect distraction. Balloono. :)
I have lost hours because of this stupid game.
But it's perfect.
It keeps my mind occupied so I don't go thinking about things that never end well.
It's keeping me sane. At least enough that no one notices how incredibly little amount of sanity is actually left.
Though it also distracts me from doping what I should do...
Like my online classes.
Because I want to finish those before I leave for Sweden, but.... they really aren't going very fast.
Haha.... :)
So recently I have been talking to Cricles a bit often.
He say the worst things.
They make me miss him more than I'd like.
But he says he wants to hang out sometime... And I think I'd like that.
But... I kind of think it's a bad idea.
Stupid girlfriends. No. Just his is stupid.
I really don't like her.
Grrr.
I have reason too, not just because they're together. I promise..
:/
I wish I could drive already! GODDAMN.
Or at least my friends could.
But they're all lame and decided not to get their permit till like now, even though most of them could have gotten it last summer! They should have had their licenses for a couple of months by now!
Haha... Oh well.
Hmm... I hate not knowing some things.
Not knowing if someone really has an issue with you. They're just hiding it.
I do it. All the time. But it's easier for me that way.
I can change for someone, or keep something for their connivence.
So I always wonder if someone is doing the same for me... Because they don't need to.
Ah I dunno.
I wish I could just straight out ask anything I like.
Or just be able to know.
:/
Hmmm...
So my mother has been gone since yesterday.
She's not coming back till sunday, I think.
And I am stuck being my brothers' babysitter because my papa must work.
It sucks.
I hate my brothers. They are such assholes.
They enjoy causing me pain.
I think one of them is like psychopathic. The other is just an ass, he is just stupid.
But the littlest one, I just don't understand why the hell he has to be so mean.
Up till recently, everyone would be extra harsh on him because he is a big trouble maker. I had always been the one to make sure he was alright, or stand up for him, or whatever I could do to make him feel better. Now though, he just has no fucking respect for me. Yes he's 7, but that doesn't excuse his assholeness.
Anyways. Back to my mother.
She's gone. And once she comes back she's leaving like the next day again. And I have to watch them again. And before she left now, she had just been on another trip.
They don't even ask if I'll watch them.
Well they do.
But no is not something I can answer with.
So. They shouldn't even bother asking because it just makes me angry.
Haha. I'm done now.
SPREAD THE SMILES. :D
Drink Dr. Pepper. Yumm.
I don't even know why I am wearing it. It's not like it matters... I'm wearing a big huge hideous jacket...
Ah. I don't know. I'm just losing my mind.
Ha. Okay.
Well anyways....
I have found a perfect distraction. Balloono. :)
I have lost hours because of this stupid game.
But it's perfect.
It keeps my mind occupied so I don't go thinking about things that never end well.
It's keeping me sane. At least enough that no one notices how incredibly little amount of sanity is actually left.
Though it also distracts me from doping what I should do...
Like my online classes.
Because I want to finish those before I leave for Sweden, but.... they really aren't going very fast.
Haha.... :)
So recently I have been talking to Cricles a bit often.
He say the worst things.
They make me miss him more than I'd like.
But he says he wants to hang out sometime... And I think I'd like that.
But... I kind of think it's a bad idea.
Stupid girlfriends. No. Just his is stupid.
I really don't like her.
Grrr.
I have reason too, not just because they're together. I promise..
:/
I wish I could drive already! GODDAMN.
Or at least my friends could.
But they're all lame and decided not to get their permit till like now, even though most of them could have gotten it last summer! They should have had their licenses for a couple of months by now!
Haha... Oh well.
Hmm... I hate not knowing some things.
Not knowing if someone really has an issue with you. They're just hiding it.
I do it. All the time. But it's easier for me that way.
I can change for someone, or keep something for their connivence.
So I always wonder if someone is doing the same for me... Because they don't need to.
Ah I dunno.
I wish I could just straight out ask anything I like.
Or just be able to know.
:/
Hmmm...
So my mother has been gone since yesterday.
She's not coming back till sunday, I think.
And I am stuck being my brothers' babysitter because my papa must work.
It sucks.
I hate my brothers. They are such assholes.
They enjoy causing me pain.
I think one of them is like psychopathic. The other is just an ass, he is just stupid.
But the littlest one, I just don't understand why the hell he has to be so mean.
Up till recently, everyone would be extra harsh on him because he is a big trouble maker. I had always been the one to make sure he was alright, or stand up for him, or whatever I could do to make him feel better. Now though, he just has no fucking respect for me. Yes he's 7, but that doesn't excuse his assholeness.
Anyways. Back to my mother.
She's gone. And once she comes back she's leaving like the next day again. And I have to watch them again. And before she left now, she had just been on another trip.
They don't even ask if I'll watch them.
Well they do.
But no is not something I can answer with.
So. They shouldn't even bother asking because it just makes me angry.
Haha. I'm done now.
SPREAD THE SMILES. :D
Drink Dr. Pepper. Yumm.
17.6.10
Boredom.
Alrighty. So... I'm kinda tired and don't know what to say.
I have been listening to this song for like the past hour.
It's so pretty. I wish I could sing it better.
So because I have nothing better to do, you can listen to me singing it! Hahaha
So. Yeah.... I am lovely at singing. Only not really. And some parts are awful. :D
Hahaha
Anyways...
Today was boring.
Fought with brothers.
Went to store.
Bought snacks.
Walked home in death heat.
Went to my first drivers ed test.
Very nervous.
Did fine.
Went home.
Did that silly video thing.
This.
:D
Haha..
I can't decide if I like salt and vinegar chips...
Yumm? Or no?
I have been listening to this song for like the past hour.
It's so pretty. I wish I could sing it better.
So because I have nothing better to do, you can listen to me singing it! Hahaha
So. Yeah.... I am lovely at singing. Only not really. And some parts are awful. :D
Hahaha
Anyways...
Today was boring.
Fought with brothers.
Went to store.
Bought snacks.
Walked home in death heat.
Went to my first drivers ed test.
Very nervous.
Did fine.
Went home.
Did that silly video thing.
This.
:D
Haha..
I can't decide if I like salt and vinegar chips...
Yumm? Or no?
16.6.10
Change.
Yes I realize this is like my 4th post of the day...
So I need to listen to people.
And stop listening to myself.
And stop listening to people who aren't "good."
I'm sorry.
I have been forever awful at listening to people.
And it needs to change.
I focus on the bad.
And I need to change it.
I need to stop "punishing" myself.
I just need to fix some things.
Because I keep messing up and it isn't okay.
I don't care if I hurt myself, but I'm not okay if I hurt others.
I need to stop.
I shouldn't hurt anyone.
I am no exception.
So I'm sorry.
I need to work on myself some so I don't keep making messes for others to clean up.
I'll try.
I just need to not forget.
Goodnight.
Sleep well.
I love you, I never mean to hurt you.
So I need to listen to people.
And stop listening to myself.
And stop listening to people who aren't "good."
I'm sorry.
I have been forever awful at listening to people.
And it needs to change.
I focus on the bad.
And I need to change it.
I need to stop "punishing" myself.
I just need to fix some things.
Because I keep messing up and it isn't okay.
I don't care if I hurt myself, but I'm not okay if I hurt others.
I need to stop.
I shouldn't hurt anyone.
I am no exception.
So I'm sorry.
I need to work on myself some so I don't keep making messes for others to clean up.
I'll try.
I just need to not forget.
Goodnight.
Sleep well.
I love you, I never mean to hurt you.
I have been so bored all day.
Though I have so much to do.
I hate noticing how much I am like my mother.
We are so alike.
I promised myself I wouldn't be that way.
But I so often act exactly like she.
But what bothers me the most that's like her,
Is her self doubt.
When she's mad she takes it out on everyone.
And how she gets mad and then quickly realizes she's wrong.
I really don't want to be like her.
When I was a kid, I told myself that I wasn't going to be that way.
I loved my mom, but I didn't want to be like her at her worst.
As a grew up, she was her worse more and more each day.
And now I don't remember her any other way.
Hmmmm...
Anything I have to say can wait.
So I'm going to say goodnight.
Though I have so much to do.
I hate noticing how much I am like my mother.
We are so alike.
I promised myself I wouldn't be that way.
But I so often act exactly like she.
But what bothers me the most that's like her,
Is her self doubt.
When she's mad she takes it out on everyone.
And how she gets mad and then quickly realizes she's wrong.
I really don't want to be like her.
When I was a kid, I told myself that I wasn't going to be that way.
I loved my mom, but I didn't want to be like her at her worst.
As a grew up, she was her worse more and more each day.
And now I don't remember her any other way.
Hmmmm...
Anything I have to say can wait.
So I'm going to say goodnight.
15.6.10
Past.
Alrighty. So these are just drafts that I never got around to finishing and whatnot or I just didn't feel like posting or something. :)
Just some of the things I never posted.
I'm only posting them because Anton wants me to.
They're really lame though. Just to warn you. :)
So I guess I'll go from oldest to newest?
2.25.10
Maybe maybe maybe.
That is all I know.
So.... I feel odd. I dunno. Happy, hopeful, yet hateful and pessimistic. It makes no sense really. I feel like I am at the bottom; dark and no escape. But it's like I am starting to get used to the dark. If that makes sense....
3.26.10
Where to go to be left unseen. And unheard. And alone.
This is where I want to be.
I just can't find it.
3.31.10
Not enough.
Selfish to even think I could be.
5.14.10
Some people are so irritating you just want to punch them in the face!
God...
They're so wrong about themselves and I just want to slap them and be like "Shut the fuck up! You aren't special, you're just like the rest of us." Some people just think all these things about them and they're so wrong about it...
Also. My gym teacher is a bastard. I do everything I'm supposed to but he hates me because of some stupid reason I am unaware of, so I cannot manage a better grade than a fucking C. Erggggg.
I'm sorry for spewing out my rage.
Ugh and my parents.
Everyone needs help. I know.
Help your goddamn self!
Haha... I'm definitely a nice person. :)
5.16.10
This world teaches you to scream and make a fuss, when you want something.
But really you can't do that at all.
We are setting us all up to fail.
5.20.10
Gahhh... I hate the past. Why must it haunt me?
If I saw how I am now, a year ago I would've been so pissed.
Can't I just destroy my brain so I don't have to feel?
So I don't have to think?
I don't really remember what this is about...
6.6.10
I wish someone would break my shell.
Find what's really going on.
I just can't let it happen.
I'd never heal if something happened.
And they wouldn't enjoy what they found.
So it's best it doesn't happen.
I want to just scream.
Nothing will make it better.
I can't stand what you do.
It hurts.
I just can't say it, because then it hurts you.
And that isn't something I can be okay with.
I don't want to hurt you. Especially not if it's you or I.
It's my fault.
All of my issues are my fault.
If only I were smarter.
If only I didn't get so caught up in stupid things.
If I wasn't so easily hurt.
The list goes on and on.
Hmmm...
Everyone seems to think I'm some cold hearted or heartless person...
I don't understand why...
Well. That's a lie.
I just wish people would look past what I say, and look at what I do instead.
Because they don't match..
It's all so inconsistent I would think people would notice, and either confront me or try and figure it out on their own.
I'm really bad with confrontation though... It makes my head spin and I don't make any sense.
I just wish someone would listen.
And hear it too.
6.8.10
I wish I could just not care. Because it makes me act so strange. And people mistake it for cold heartedness.
And that's not it at all...
I know it's unreasonable, and stupid!
My feelings generally are.
I'm just mean and heartless. Why can't people just decide that and move on? Rather then give me a chance and then throw my work to be good to them away?
I don't want to blame it on them.
Because I has to be my fault, I'm the common denominator.
I can't get close to people. It's a problem. Just like everything else about me...
But I'm trying to fix it. You're right, I'm wrong. I just have to tell myself that. Again and again.
Hopefully it'll stick.
Hopefully I can be better for you.
6.12.10
I need to get away.
Get away so I don't break open.
I feel fucking insane.
I just need to go somewhere where people can't get to me.
Alright. Well that was fun... :)
Lame, I know.
Good morning.
Spread the smiles.
Bake cookies.
Just some of the things I never posted.
I'm only posting them because Anton wants me to.
They're really lame though. Just to warn you. :)
So I guess I'll go from oldest to newest?
2.25.10
Maybe maybe maybe.
That is all I know.
So.... I feel odd. I dunno. Happy, hopeful, yet hateful and pessimistic. It makes no sense really. I feel like I am at the bottom; dark and no escape. But it's like I am starting to get used to the dark. If that makes sense....
3.26.10
Where to go to be left unseen. And unheard. And alone.
This is where I want to be.
I just can't find it.
3.31.10
Not enough.
Selfish to even think I could be.
5.14.10
Some people are so irritating you just want to punch them in the face!
God...
They're so wrong about themselves and I just want to slap them and be like "Shut the fuck up! You aren't special, you're just like the rest of us." Some people just think all these things about them and they're so wrong about it...
Also. My gym teacher is a bastard. I do everything I'm supposed to but he hates me because of some stupid reason I am unaware of, so I cannot manage a better grade than a fucking C. Erggggg.
I'm sorry for spewing out my rage.
Ugh and my parents.
Everyone needs help. I know.
Help your goddamn self!
Haha... I'm definitely a nice person. :)
5.16.10
This world teaches you to scream and make a fuss, when you want something.
But really you can't do that at all.
We are setting us all up to fail.
5.20.10
Gahhh... I hate the past. Why must it haunt me?
If I saw how I am now, a year ago I would've been so pissed.
Can't I just destroy my brain so I don't have to feel?
So I don't have to think?
I don't really remember what this is about...
6.6.10
I wish someone would break my shell.
Find what's really going on.
I just can't let it happen.
I'd never heal if something happened.
And they wouldn't enjoy what they found.
So it's best it doesn't happen.
I want to just scream.
Nothing will make it better.
I can't stand what you do.
It hurts.
I just can't say it, because then it hurts you.
And that isn't something I can be okay with.
I don't want to hurt you. Especially not if it's you or I.
It's my fault.
All of my issues are my fault.
If only I were smarter.
If only I didn't get so caught up in stupid things.
If I wasn't so easily hurt.
The list goes on and on.
Hmmm...
Everyone seems to think I'm some cold hearted or heartless person...
I don't understand why...
Well. That's a lie.
I just wish people would look past what I say, and look at what I do instead.
Because they don't match..
It's all so inconsistent I would think people would notice, and either confront me or try and figure it out on their own.
I'm really bad with confrontation though... It makes my head spin and I don't make any sense.
I just wish someone would listen.
And hear it too.
6.8.10
I wish I could just not care. Because it makes me act so strange. And people mistake it for cold heartedness.
And that's not it at all...
I know it's unreasonable, and stupid!
My feelings generally are.
I'm just mean and heartless. Why can't people just decide that and move on? Rather then give me a chance and then throw my work to be good to them away?
I don't want to blame it on them.
Because I has to be my fault, I'm the common denominator.
I can't get close to people. It's a problem. Just like everything else about me...
But I'm trying to fix it. You're right, I'm wrong. I just have to tell myself that. Again and again.
Hopefully it'll stick.
Hopefully I can be better for you.
6.12.10
I need to get away.
Get away so I don't break open.
I feel fucking insane.
I just need to go somewhere where people can't get to me.
Alright. Well that was fun... :)
Lame, I know.
Good morning.
Spread the smiles.
Bake cookies.
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