Past.

Alrighty. So these are just drafts that I never got around to finishing and whatnot or I just didn't feel like posting or something. :)
Just some of the things I never posted.
I'm only posting them because Anton wants me to.
They're really lame though. Just to warn you. :)

So I guess I'll go from oldest to newest?

2.25.10
Maybe maybe maybe.
That is all I know.

So.... I feel odd. I dunno. Happy, hopeful, yet hateful and pessimistic. It makes no sense really. I feel like I am at the bottom; dark and no escape. But it's like I am starting to get used to the dark. If that makes sense....


3.26.10
Where to go to be left unseen. And unheard. And alone.
This is where I want to be.
I just can't find it.


3.31.10
Not enough.
Selfish to even think I could be.


5.14.10
Some people are so irritating you just want to punch them in the face!
God...
They're so wrong about themselves and I just want to slap them and be like "Shut the fuck up! You aren't special, you're just like the rest of us." Some people just think all these things about them and they're so wrong about it...
Also. My gym teacher is a bastard. I do everything I'm supposed to but he hates me because of some stupid reason I am unaware of, so I cannot manage a better grade than a fucking C. Erggggg.
I'm sorry for spewing out my rage.
Ugh and my parents.
Everyone needs help. I know.
Help your goddamn self!

Haha... I'm definitely a nice person. :)


5.16.10
This world teaches you to scream and make a fuss, when you want something.
But really you can't do that at all.
We are setting us all up to fail.


5.20.10
Gahhh... I hate the past. Why must it haunt me?
If I saw how I am now, a year ago I would've been so pissed.

Can't I just destroy my brain so I don't have to feel?
So I don't have to think?

I don't really remember what this is about...


6.6.10
I wish someone would break my shell.
Find what's really going on.
I just can't let it happen.
I'd never heal if something happened.
And they wouldn't enjoy what they found.
So it's best it doesn't happen.

I want to just scream.
Nothing will make it better.

I can't stand what you do.
It hurts.
I just can't say it, because then it hurts you.
And that isn't something I can be okay with.

I don't want to hurt you. Especially not if it's you or I.

It's my fault.
All of my issues are my fault.
If only I were smarter.
If only I didn't get so caught up in stupid things.
If I wasn't so easily hurt.
The list goes on and on.

Hmmm...
Everyone seems to think I'm some cold hearted or heartless person...
I don't understand why...
Well. That's a lie.
I just wish people would look past what I say, and look at what I do instead.
Because they don't match..
It's all so inconsistent I would think people would notice, and either confront me or try and figure it out on their own.
I'm really bad with confrontation though... It makes my head spin and I don't make any sense.

I just wish someone would listen.
And hear it too.


6.8.10
I wish I could just not care. Because it makes me act so strange. And people mistake it for cold heartedness.
And that's not it at all...

I know it's unreasonable, and stupid!
My feelings generally are.

I'm just mean and heartless. Why can't people just decide that and move on? Rather then give me a chance and then throw my work to be good to them away?
I don't want to blame it on them.
Because I has to be my fault, I'm the common denominator.
I can't get close to people. It's a problem. Just like everything else about me...

But I'm trying to fix it. You're right, I'm wrong. I just have to tell myself that. Again and again.
Hopefully it'll stick.
Hopefully I can be better for you.


6.12.10
I need to get away.
Get away so I don't break open.
I feel fucking insane.
I just need to go somewhere where people can't get to me.


Alright. Well that was fun... :)
Lame, I know.
Good morning.
Spread the smiles.
Bake cookies.