All I do.

Hmmm...
I wish I could just let go.
Of all my morals,
of all my "rules."
I wish I wasn't scared to become someone I hate.
I wish I didn't hate that person, because being that person would be so much easier.
I wish I just could fucking stop caring.
I wish I could be mean when I'm angry. Rather than fucking turning it on me somehow. I wish I didn't do that.
And I wish I could stop. But I can't!
I can't make you happy. You can't make me happy.
Maybe we should just let it go.
Sometimes I feel like I care about every stupid goddamn fucking detail more than anyone else. And I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE?
I know they care... A lot more than I.
I just... Don't see it.
I need to see that they care.
I need to see you care.
That is all that keeps me here.
Because someone cares.
Not about me, about anything, everything.
I really think there is something wrong with me. Not just now. But every moment. In the back of my head I'm always wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
I wish I could just let it go, for just one fucking second!
Why do I still think people care?
Every day they prove to me that they don't.

I guess I do to.
I push people away.
But it's just because I'm afraid.
Something will go wrong.
Something always goes wrong.
And then I'm stuck feeling lost.
And so I push them away, so I can blame myself.
So that people, in general, I can still have faith in them.
I need something to believe in. Unreasonable as it is, I need it.
Otherwise I don't need to be here and so I won't be.

Hmmm...
Why can't I just fucking let everything go?
Let go, and fall.

I really don't understand.
Why does no one care?
Or more. Why does no one show it?
Is it my fault? Because I'm the bad guy, I push them away? Is that it?

I wish someone knew just how to act. But I can't tell them, I don't know. You're never good enough. I'm sorry. I can't make myself happy either.
I'm just rotten and sour, there is nothing more to it. I'll take your joy and rip it to shreds.
Stay away. This heart is far to gone. This soul is far to lost.
Stay away. Save yourself.

Goodnight.