Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I need a day to think. Though I really don't want to...
So yeah...
I just need to maybe figure some things out and make some decisions.
Though I really really don't want to. Because spending a lot of time thinking on things make me very depressed.
Usually. Sometimes it brings me out of the smog, but usually it just buries me.
But... Not be able to to decide makes me anxious.
So much that I feel sick and want to throw up.
It's not really so good...
I just need some time. And some determination.

Why can't I just be normal?
I just want to be goddamn normal.
I don't want to stick out. I just want to hide and be invisible, along with the most of us.
I want to not care. At least not so much. Not about all the stupid little goddamn things I do.
It makes everything so difficult.
I just can't do anything right.
Which prevents me from making decisions, in fear of them being wrong..

I just want people to be happy with what I am.
And even though I'm clearly not amazing or wonderful,
I'd like people to think I'm good enough.
I'd like them to think I'm satisfactory.
I'd really just like to be okay with myself.

Hmmm...
I amaze myself sometimes.
With stupidity.
I really don't understand...
One second I can't tell good from bad, and the next I can. But by then it's to late.
It's like I walk into a tunnel and it's so dark I can't find out how to get out, and then I panic and I'd do anything that might get me out even if it makes no sense because I'm so lost and scared that I have no common sense.
And even though whatever I do to try to escape the tunnel, no matter how much it actually gets me closer to getting out, it makes it better.
It wakes me up. Like the tunnel was only a dream.
And then I just feel stupid for feeling trapped in a dream.
I don't really know how to explain it.
I don't understand. I just lose all common sense.
There is something wrong in my head.
I'm missing some vital pieces.

Well... Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.