I don't know how to help you.
I don't know how to help myself.

And a million...

Will I ask to much, and push you away?
Will you let me push you away?
Will you be there tomorrow?
Or the next day?
Will you let me help?
Will you let me try?
Can I trust you?
Can I believe what you say?
Is it alright?
Can I venture unguarded?
Is it okay for my secrets to be untold?
What are the unsaid rules?
What are the lies?
What's right?
What's wrong?
What's important?
What can wait?
Are you ready?
Do you need help?
Are you okay?
Will it be okay?
Will it hurt still, in the future?
Will I be enough?
Can I tell you I miss you?
Do you miss me too?
Will you tell me what's wrong?
And let me help?
WIll you forgive me?
Can I forgive you?
What are you scared of?
What must I face?
Can I trust that you'll make it past the tough, and still be around?
Can I be able to need you?
Or will I just hurt myself in the end?
Or will you?
Is it stupid?
How should I act?
What should I care about?
What can I say?
How will it work?
Will you understand, how I am?
Is it okay, for me to be this way?
Will you try to fix me, because I'm inadequate?
What will you say?
What will you think?

Will you reject me?
Will you look past all my mistakes?
Will you hurt me?

Will you accept me?

Look in all the directions,
find all possibilities,
find all answers,
and more questions.
:)

Gotta give up one day..

Can't waste all your efforts on a black hole.
No matter how curious you are.
Or how much you want it.
One day you have to give up.

Went on another run today.
Was good.
Today was good over all.
Didn't think much, which is usually best.
Woke up around 7, read till 10.
Got up, got ready.
Walked to downtown.
Saw a movie.
Walked around down town.
Ran.
Tomorrow I believe I am painting for my mother.
To make some money.

I feel like there is too much I want to do,
and much too little time.
With no priorities, and no goal.
I don't know what I'm doing.

Finally today wasn't so goddamn warm.
I was about dying.
:)

I'm sorry, my posts have been lame.
I just don't feel like getting into my mind.
It's working fine, I don't want to disturb it.
:)

Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.

Slow down.

Today has been good. For the most part.
Sunday I spent the day at lagoon. Haha.. With Amanda Panda. :)
Today I slept horribly but it didn't really make me tired.
Cleaned for about 2 hours. Read for a lot.
Wrote some lyrics. I think I may actually like how they're turning out... And a friend wrote a guitar line to go along. So. That's kind neat. :D maybe. haha.
And went on a lovely evening walk/run.

Phone calls are so awkward.... Ah.
They make me feel so weird.
Unless... You're Liz, and you're reading me a story. :D
Or you just want to ask something and then hang up.
But if you expect a conversation... God so weird.
Or if you happen to be Circles, then I'll gladly try to not feel so awkward.

Summer feels like it's going by so quick..
I'm scared for school..
It's gonna be hard this year.

Hmm. Today my mother expressed that she thinks I'm fat.
I really don't care what she thinks so much.
Just that when she says things like that, she tries to make it sound nice.
And it's fucking irritating.
Just be a bitch if you're going to, don't try to make it seem like we are still, or ever were, friends.
Be mean, and take the blame.
Don't hobble around trying to get some pity, because I'm the nothing near perfect daughter you're stuck with.
Don't try to seem so innocent.
Don't get them to think I'm so fucking terrible, when you're pulling the strings.
Don't make them look at me while you're right behind me moving me like a puppet.
Don't say something mean and then try to hide it with a compliment.
That's not how it fucking works.
Be nice, be mean. Don't fucking be in between.
Rhyme ^ :)
Haha.

I had a dream last night. In one of my short moments of sleep.
I don't remember much..
Terrorists attacked. We all turned against each other.
We all died.
That's about how it went.
:)

Ah.
Well... I'm going to go read now.
Sweet dreams!
Spread the smiles. :)

Death weather.

Fuck this horrid death weather.
I am not made for such an oven.
I don't wish to be roasted.
Though it was only in the 90's today.
I CANNOT STAND IT.
And it's just going to be warmer. And warmer.
Who the hell ever said I should live here?
Whose rotten idea of torture was it?

Today was the first time in a while that I actually spent the majority of the day outside.
I've been hiding from the death monster in the sky. Most people refer to it as the sun though.

I walked for about an hour to downtown and went to the arts festival. Very cool. I saw some people there.
Then I went to Sugar House and saw Alice in Wonderland.
Now I really want to see the version I used to LOVE as a kid.
I want to read the book also...
The movie was okay. But really I just love the story. I always have.

Also. My power for some reason was gone all day. Kind of not so cool... But it's back now. :)

Hmm.
I don't want to influence peoples lives.
Even if it's just slight.
I don't want to.
I'm most definitely wrong.

Hmmm.
I'm going to just end this now. Because I have a book waiting for me. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest.
I'm very sad that it is the last by Stieg Larsson. I have quite enjoyed his writing.
But I guess I have piles and long lists of books to read. The list grows much faster than I can read.

Well.
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
Read a book. :)

One day we'll all have to learn to grow up.

People always meet the conclusion that I am the one at fault.
I am the broken one.
I am the corrupt one.
I am the problem.
I'm the one with the cold, horrid face.
I am the monster hiding in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect moment.
I am the one who cannot feel, and who does not care.
This is what people come to think.
This is what they say, when I let them close.
This is all they see.
They don't see that I have hope for them, that I love them, that I need them.
They don't see past my defense.
They don't see past the protection.
They don't understand.
I don't want them to see me struggle or fear or hurt.
Why is the better of me, not good enough?
Why do people assume the worse of me will be good enough?
I know it isn't.
Why won't people just take what I give them, not fight for more?
I can't give you more. It hurts. I don't want you to see me hurt.
I don't want to rely on you, because it's stupid. And I always expect the worse.
Though, I do rely on you. But I can't let you know, because then you can watch me as I hurt.
And I can't let you see me hurt.

I've always been ashamed of hurting.
I've always been ashamed of needing someone. Someone to help.
I'm ashamed of anything that isn't considered good.

Hmmm. I do care. I always will. I just can't have you hurt me with it.
Good afternoon. :)
Spread the smiles. :D

Spoken through the lips of a monster.

Hello.

I'm such a mean sister.
Hahaha
I needed to fix my brothers facebook name.
He was spelling his name incorrectly and I must say that it was making me go berserk.
So. I just to fix it.
:)
I shouldn't abuse my knowledge of his passwords... Ah, but it is so fun.

Though, I sent him an email informing him of his new password and why I had to fix it.
I think it is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
He shall be happy that his sister cares so much about what people think of him.
I mean, he doesn't want his friends/family thinking he's so dumb he can't spell his name... Would he?
Nope.

:D


So. I feel like everything is going wrong.
Or... More like it's not getting better.
All the things that I had worked out in my head, the things I told myself would go away or get fixed.
All those problems are still laying around. And I still don't know how to fix them.
I still don't know how to make the messes go away.
For some reason I thought I could ignore them and they'd just... evaporate?
I don't know.
I thought it would get better.
I thought time would fix the issues.
Clean up the messes.
But then I walked back into those rooms, and they had the same messes.
They were still not fixed.
The waiting, waiting for time to make things better, has been just as much a waste as making the messes in the first place.

Ah. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Hmmm.
I think people say things they don't mean. Way to often.
I hate it.
Because I trust them to mean what they say.
And so often they don't.
And you'd think I'd learn.
But so many things push me into trusting people.
In my weird unspoken way.
I really do want to give people a chance.
I really do.
I want to be the person there when you need a hand.
But so often you just want someone else.
So often you just pull me down too.
And I guess I should realize that it's a risk I have to take if I want to be that way.
But sometimes I'd like a hand too.
Sometimes I'd like to see you stand on your own too.
Because I know, I know you can.
It's just all in your head.

I dunno.

Hmmm.
Goodnight.
I'm boring you all to death.
Spread the smiles, my dears.

Put it to an end.

I wish I could just turn off all feeling.
I don't want to be sad or mad or happy or hopeful or curious or anything.
I just want it gone.
I'm sick of being nervous and worried.
I'm tired of being scared.
Just make it all stop.
It's making me crazy.
I'm so tired of feeling crazy.
I'm so sick of the inconsistency.
I'm so fucking sick of it.
Why can't I just stick with one emotion for just a little moment.
Why do I always need to feel stressed or nervous or worried?
I just want a break for a couple of days!
But I can't get a break from myself.
And that has always been the problem.

Bleh...

Hmmm.

I passed drivers ed today.
Haha -10.
I kept forgetting to check my blind spot.
And he was just grumpy today...

I need to walk more.
I'm just so lazy...
And then when I finally decide to go I realize that I have a lot to do...

So. I am going to clean my room.
And if my mother is not home I will clean upstairs also. :)
And I will read for a bit.
And I will do my online classes.
Maybe go on a walk?
Ah... This seems to ambitious.
Haha... :)
I need to do it.
I will.
Hopefully.

Good afternoon...ish.
:)
Spread the smiles.
Feel better.
Drink coffee. Or Dr. Pepper.
Yummy.
Eat mac and cheese.
Yumm.
Go on a walk?
Okay.
I'm done now. :)

Mother.

I cannot stand my family.
No. No. That's a lie.
They're okay as long as my mother isn't home.
And if it's not just me and my brothers.
If it's my dad, brothers, and I it is just fine.
But the second my mom gets back the whole house turns into a big scream fest.
Because we clean and make it look nice for her arrival and the minute she walks through the door she just finds messes for us to clean up. She doesn't ask either, she just yells.
Nothing is ever good enough for her.
I don't get why she ever had kids. She'd be so much happier without them.
And then my brothers just have no respect for me whatsoever. Their favorite thing to do is spit on me or try to give me bruises.

Anyways. I just went on a walk. Before I went, I wrote that. Haha
Walks calm me down. They are my savior.

Ah.
I have a lot more to say but I won't because it'll make me sad... So... Yeah.

Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.

Distractions.

So. First I must say that strapless bras are not very comfortable.
I don't even know why I am wearing it. It's not like it matters... I'm wearing a big huge hideous jacket...
Ah. I don't know. I'm just losing my mind.
Ha. Okay.

Well anyways....
I have found a perfect distraction. Balloono. :)
I have lost hours because of this stupid game.
But it's perfect.
It keeps my mind occupied so I don't go thinking about things that never end well.
It's keeping me sane. At least enough that no one notices how incredibly little amount of sanity is actually left.

Though it also distracts me from doping what I should do...
Like my online classes.
Because I want to finish those before I leave for Sweden, but.... they really aren't going very fast.
Haha.... :)

So recently I have been talking to Cricles a bit often.
He say the worst things.
They make me miss him more than I'd like.
But he says he wants to hang out sometime... And I think I'd like that.
But... I kind of think it's a bad idea.
Stupid girlfriends. No. Just his is stupid.
I really don't like her.
Grrr.
I have reason too, not just because they're together. I promise..
:/

I wish I could drive already! GODDAMN.
Or at least my friends could.
But they're all lame and decided not to get their permit till like now, even though most of them could have gotten it last summer! They should have had their licenses for a couple of months by now!
Haha... Oh well.

Hmm... I hate not knowing some things.
Not knowing if someone really has an issue with you. They're just hiding it.
I do it. All the time. But it's easier for me that way.
I can change for someone, or keep something for their connivence.
So I always wonder if someone is doing the same for me... Because they don't need to.
Ah I dunno.

I wish I could just straight out ask anything I like.
Or just be able to know.
:/

Hmmm...
So my mother has been gone since yesterday.
She's not coming back till sunday, I think.
And I am stuck being my brothers' babysitter because my papa must work.
It sucks.
I hate my brothers. They are such assholes.
They enjoy causing me pain.
I think one of them is like psychopathic. The other is just an ass, he is just stupid.
But the littlest one, I just don't understand why the hell he has to be so mean.
Up till recently, everyone would be extra harsh on him because he is a big trouble maker. I had always been the one to make sure he was alright, or stand up for him, or whatever I could do to make him feel better. Now though, he just has no fucking respect for me. Yes he's 7, but that doesn't excuse his assholeness.
Anyways. Back to my mother.
She's gone. And once she comes back she's leaving like the next day again. And I have to watch them again. And before she left now, she had just been on another trip.
They don't even ask if I'll watch them.
Well they do.
But no is not something I can answer with.
So. They shouldn't even bother asking because it just makes me angry.

Haha. I'm done now.
SPREAD THE SMILES. :D
Drink Dr. Pepper. Yumm.

Boredom.

Alrighty. So... I'm kinda tired and don't know what to say.
I have been listening to this song for like the past hour.
It's so pretty. I wish I could sing it better.


So because I have nothing better to do, you can listen to me singing it! Hahaha


So. Yeah.... I am lovely at singing. Only not really. And some parts are awful. :D
Hahaha

Anyways...
Today was boring.
Fought with brothers.
Went to store.
Bought snacks.
Walked home in death heat.
Went to my first drivers ed test.
Very nervous.
Did fine.
Went home.
Did that silly video thing.
This.
:D
Haha..

I can't decide if I like salt and vinegar chips...
Yumm? Or no?

Change.

Yes I realize this is like my 4th post of the day...

So I need to listen to people.
And stop listening to myself.
And stop listening to people who aren't "good."

I'm sorry.
I have been forever awful at listening to people.
And it needs to change.

I focus on the bad.
And I need to change it.

I need to stop "punishing" myself.

I just need to fix some things.
Because I keep messing up and it isn't okay.

I don't care if I hurt myself, but I'm not okay if I hurt others.
I need to stop.
I shouldn't hurt anyone.
I am no exception.

So I'm sorry.
I need to work on myself some so I don't keep making messes for others to clean up.

I'll try.
I just need to not forget.

Goodnight.
Sleep well.
I love you, I never mean to hurt you.

I have been so bored all day.
Though I have so much to do.

I hate noticing how much I am like my mother.
We are so alike.
I promised myself I wouldn't be that way.
But I so often act exactly like she.
But what bothers me the most that's like her,
Is her self doubt.
When she's mad she takes it out on everyone.
And how she gets mad and then quickly realizes she's wrong.

I really don't want to be like her.
When I was a kid, I told myself that I wasn't going to be that way.
I loved my mom, but I didn't want to be like her at her worst.
As a grew up, she was her worse more and more each day.
And now I don't remember her any other way.

Hmmmm...
Anything I have to say can wait.
So I'm going to say goodnight.

The shield is rebuilt.

Past.

Alrighty. So these are just drafts that I never got around to finishing and whatnot or I just didn't feel like posting or something. :)
Just some of the things I never posted.
I'm only posting them because Anton wants me to.
They're really lame though. Just to warn you. :)

So I guess I'll go from oldest to newest?

2.25.10
Maybe maybe maybe.
That is all I know.

So.... I feel odd. I dunno. Happy, hopeful, yet hateful and pessimistic. It makes no sense really. I feel like I am at the bottom; dark and no escape. But it's like I am starting to get used to the dark. If that makes sense....


3.26.10
Where to go to be left unseen. And unheard. And alone.
This is where I want to be.
I just can't find it.


3.31.10
Not enough.
Selfish to even think I could be.


5.14.10
Some people are so irritating you just want to punch them in the face!
God...
They're so wrong about themselves and I just want to slap them and be like "Shut the fuck up! You aren't special, you're just like the rest of us." Some people just think all these things about them and they're so wrong about it...
Also. My gym teacher is a bastard. I do everything I'm supposed to but he hates me because of some stupid reason I am unaware of, so I cannot manage a better grade than a fucking C. Erggggg.
I'm sorry for spewing out my rage.
Ugh and my parents.
Everyone needs help. I know.
Help your goddamn self!

Haha... I'm definitely a nice person. :)


5.16.10
This world teaches you to scream and make a fuss, when you want something.
But really you can't do that at all.
We are setting us all up to fail.


5.20.10
Gahhh... I hate the past. Why must it haunt me?
If I saw how I am now, a year ago I would've been so pissed.

Can't I just destroy my brain so I don't have to feel?
So I don't have to think?

I don't really remember what this is about...


6.6.10
I wish someone would break my shell.
Find what's really going on.
I just can't let it happen.
I'd never heal if something happened.
And they wouldn't enjoy what they found.
So it's best it doesn't happen.

I want to just scream.
Nothing will make it better.

I can't stand what you do.
It hurts.
I just can't say it, because then it hurts you.
And that isn't something I can be okay with.

I don't want to hurt you. Especially not if it's you or I.

It's my fault.
All of my issues are my fault.
If only I were smarter.
If only I didn't get so caught up in stupid things.
If I wasn't so easily hurt.
The list goes on and on.

Hmmm...
Everyone seems to think I'm some cold hearted or heartless person...
I don't understand why...
Well. That's a lie.
I just wish people would look past what I say, and look at what I do instead.
Because they don't match..
It's all so inconsistent I would think people would notice, and either confront me or try and figure it out on their own.
I'm really bad with confrontation though... It makes my head spin and I don't make any sense.

I just wish someone would listen.
And hear it too.


6.8.10
I wish I could just not care. Because it makes me act so strange. And people mistake it for cold heartedness.
And that's not it at all...

I know it's unreasonable, and stupid!
My feelings generally are.

I'm just mean and heartless. Why can't people just decide that and move on? Rather then give me a chance and then throw my work to be good to them away?
I don't want to blame it on them.
Because I has to be my fault, I'm the common denominator.
I can't get close to people. It's a problem. Just like everything else about me...

But I'm trying to fix it. You're right, I'm wrong. I just have to tell myself that. Again and again.
Hopefully it'll stick.
Hopefully I can be better for you.


6.12.10
I need to get away.
Get away so I don't break open.
I feel fucking insane.
I just need to go somewhere where people can't get to me.


Alright. Well that was fun... :)
Lame, I know.
Good morning.
Spread the smiles.
Bake cookies.

Unbalanced.

So. I really don't know what to say.
I can't describe this feeling.
It's like no feeling.
It's like numb.
But I know there is more.
I just don't wanna go there.
So I'm leaving it alone.
Letting it grow till I can't ignore it anymore.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and tied to my leg is a bag of these feelings and thoughts hanging off the cliff, and I could reach down and cut it off and let them fall, but I'm to afraid of falling off also, so instead I'm just standing till the pull of the bag gets to be too much.

If that makes any sense...

Today was good. My friend and I sat at a coffee shop for like 3 hours. And just talked about random things.
Last night was good also.
Tomorrow should be good.

I feel like summer is going to be over to soon.
I feel like there isn't enough time for everything.
I feel like I'm running out of time.

Hmmm...
I don't know.
I'm mad at myself.
I just don't wanna deal with it right now.
So I'm just trying to ignore it.

I want to not care.
So I'm trying to act like it.
I'm just sick of all the back and forth in my mind.
I just want it gone!
I can't take it.
I just need a break from my insanity.
So yeah...
Idk.

I just feel unbalanced.
Like not towards one way or another.
Just all over the place.

I'm just scared that if I keep feeling like I have been I'll get stuck again.
So I'm just trying to block out all feelings.

Well... I'm going to go now. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles. Drink coffee.

It all fits together.
Like a puzzle.

The only tricky part is,
all the pieces are hidden.

Lost.

I did it again. Goddamnit!

I think I'm acting totally insane.
Totally unstable.
But I am.
I'm just lost with my emotions.
I don't know what I want, or what anyone else wants.
I need to know what people want.
Because I don't need what I want.
If it's up to me, I'd rather help someone get what they want. If I feel they deserve it, which most people do with most of their wants.
I'm just lost.
I'll tell the truth, but I'd like to know if Im going to disappoint them or not.

I want my Circles.
Not him exactly.
But I want someone. Just like him.
Hahaha. Dumb.
I want someone who can prove to me they care like he did. No one has ever been as successful as him.
But like I decided about a year ago, its all a waste of time. At least in high school.
I don't need to think any farther then that.
:)

Well I'm tired. So goodnight.
Spread the smiles, don't worry about anything, just live.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I need a day to think. Though I really don't want to...
So yeah...
I just need to maybe figure some things out and make some decisions.
Though I really really don't want to. Because spending a lot of time thinking on things make me very depressed.
Usually. Sometimes it brings me out of the smog, but usually it just buries me.
But... Not be able to to decide makes me anxious.
So much that I feel sick and want to throw up.
It's not really so good...
I just need some time. And some determination.

Why can't I just be normal?
I just want to be goddamn normal.
I don't want to stick out. I just want to hide and be invisible, along with the most of us.
I want to not care. At least not so much. Not about all the stupid little goddamn things I do.
It makes everything so difficult.
I just can't do anything right.
Which prevents me from making decisions, in fear of them being wrong..

I just want people to be happy with what I am.
And even though I'm clearly not amazing or wonderful,
I'd like people to think I'm good enough.
I'd like them to think I'm satisfactory.
I'd really just like to be okay with myself.

Hmmm...
I amaze myself sometimes.
With stupidity.
I really don't understand...
One second I can't tell good from bad, and the next I can. But by then it's to late.
It's like I walk into a tunnel and it's so dark I can't find out how to get out, and then I panic and I'd do anything that might get me out even if it makes no sense because I'm so lost and scared that I have no common sense.
And even though whatever I do to try to escape the tunnel, no matter how much it actually gets me closer to getting out, it makes it better.
It wakes me up. Like the tunnel was only a dream.
And then I just feel stupid for feeling trapped in a dream.
I don't really know how to explain it.
I don't understand. I just lose all common sense.
There is something wrong in my head.
I'm missing some vital pieces.

Well... Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.

I hate when people try to fix the past.
It's done, it's happened.
Please don't rip back open my wounds.

All I do.

Hmmm...
I wish I could just let go.
Of all my morals,
of all my "rules."
I wish I wasn't scared to become someone I hate.
I wish I didn't hate that person, because being that person would be so much easier.
I wish I just could fucking stop caring.
I wish I could be mean when I'm angry. Rather than fucking turning it on me somehow. I wish I didn't do that.
And I wish I could stop. But I can't!
I can't make you happy. You can't make me happy.
Maybe we should just let it go.
Sometimes I feel like I care about every stupid goddamn fucking detail more than anyone else. And I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE?
I know they care... A lot more than I.
I just... Don't see it.
I need to see that they care.
I need to see you care.
That is all that keeps me here.
Because someone cares.
Not about me, about anything, everything.
I really think there is something wrong with me. Not just now. But every moment. In the back of my head I'm always wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
I wish I could just let it go, for just one fucking second!
Why do I still think people care?
Every day they prove to me that they don't.

I guess I do to.
I push people away.
But it's just because I'm afraid.
Something will go wrong.
Something always goes wrong.
And then I'm stuck feeling lost.
And so I push them away, so I can blame myself.
So that people, in general, I can still have faith in them.
I need something to believe in. Unreasonable as it is, I need it.
Otherwise I don't need to be here and so I won't be.

Hmmm...
Why can't I just fucking let everything go?
Let go, and fall.

I really don't understand.
Why does no one care?
Or more. Why does no one show it?
Is it my fault? Because I'm the bad guy, I push them away? Is that it?

I wish someone knew just how to act. But I can't tell them, I don't know. You're never good enough. I'm sorry. I can't make myself happy either.
I'm just rotten and sour, there is nothing more to it. I'll take your joy and rip it to shreds.
Stay away. This heart is far to gone. This soul is far to lost.
Stay away. Save yourself.

Goodnight.

Selfish little world...

So... I hate mixed feelings. Like, happy about something and also quite not about something else.

I hate being unhappy. It's such a selfish thing. It makes me feel so selfish, and pathetic, and stupid. Which just makes it worse. Haha...
I don't even want to admit it.
Because the moment I do, I also admit that I'm this person I never wanted to be.
This person I will never accept.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Anything else is unacceptable.

But then again, I don't want to be happy either.
I can be content, not happy though...
Happy is... ignorant, and selfish.
Happy is all good, but nothing is ever all good.
Nothing is ever perfect though.
Somewhere something will be terribly wrong. And even if it has nothing to do with me, or I have nothing to do with it, it's still there. It still makes me feel selfish.
How is it okay for me to be happy while someone out there is dying of pain? Even if they could care less about me, and it makes absolutely no difference how I feel, it still makes me feel selfish.
But even that is selfish. Everything I can think of is selfish.
What I wish I could be, is not possible.
Not for anyone.
To want it, is selfish.

All my little thoughts, they are such a waste of time.
Such a goddamn waste of time.
Why can't I just turn them off, and let it all go, and just live.
Not worry if it's okay, if it's the best thing, not worry about anything.
But it doesn't work like that.
It never works like that....

Just thinking like this is so goddamn selfish.
To think it all even matters, is so selfish.

It's selfish, that I can't find a solution.
It's selfish of me, that I can't find a balance.
It's selfish that I can't just say okay, and let it be that way.

Well... I don't know.
I don't mean to depress you.
Not at all.
So I guess I shouldn't say this all.
But, it doesn't matter, does it?
Nothing matters, what matters?

I just don't know.

I'm actually pretty okay right now. Even if it seems otherwise.
So yeah.
Good morning. :)
Spread the smiles, keep looking up, but don't forget what's below.

Not enough.
Not enough.
Not enough.
Not enough.

Majority against the minority.

Gahh...
Stupid parents.
Stupid adults.
Why won't they just listen to me?
I know I'm just a stupid teenager...
But please! I think my idea's through.
Please don't just reject them because I'm young.
It's already 2 against 1.

People always tell me that I should be closer to my parents.
That I should try to be a better daughter.
That I should talk to them.

But they are so goddamn infuriating.

Every conversation ends with someone's feelings hurt.

And every time it's their feelings that are more hurt than mine, they try to fix it. But they way they fix it is an attack on me.
You need to change. You're wrong. You can't act like this anymore.
It's like they think I'm out of control. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A BAD KID IS.
Stop telling me I'm not good enough.
I believe you. Every time.
Even if those aren't the exact words said, it's all I hear.

My dad is much more favored than my mother to me.

I'd like to talk to you, if you weren't on the devil's side, papa.
I'd like you to be my best friend, if you could just keep my words to yourself, daddy.
I'd like things to be as they used to, when I didn't need "fixing," father.
I'd like to think you were on my side.
I know you just want the best for me.
I know you don't see this.
But I'm not a baby anymore. I'm not perfect, not even close.
You don't need to teach me to work hard, I do my best already.
I'd just like a little break, can I get that?

I hide how I feel.
You have taught this to me.
Because when I was small, and something was wrong, I hated to see the hurt in others eyes because of my tears.
It is what you do too.
Sadness doesn't always need to be solved right away.
It doesn't need to be analyzed.
It just needs a hug.
A hand to hold, and not to be alone.
That's all.
I don't need your words of wisdom.

Hmmm... I dunno what I'm saying anymore.
I just wish when someone said I'm good enough that I'd believe them, rather than in my head hear all the things wrong with me.

Alrighty. So yesterday I did not do any of the homework I needed to.
Today I will. Really. I NEED TO.

I just want the week to be over and done with.
The next 30 years over and done with.
None of it matters or makes a difference.

I don't want to hurt anyone.
Yet I do. So often.

Well I'm just being dumb. Stupid and foolish as always. Let's focus the anger on myself, so no one else has to feel the wrath.
I'm going to really do my homework.
Goodbye, goodnight.
Spread the smiles, I love you too.