Control.

Try to fix.
Fail.

Hello....
:)

Today in english, we had to do this writing exercise.
We had to write words, nothing more, just one word per line, about our lifetime. We couldn't stop to think just write any word that came to mind.
I realized how self-concise I am. Even though no one had to see the list, I would not allow myself to write down many of the words that came to mind. Even if many of the words were not even bad, I just am terrified of people knowing what I think. Or something.
I'm scared of people analyzing me like I analyze people.
I'm scared of what they will find.
There isn't anything really I guess. I don't even know I guess.
I'm so scared....

What else....
So I can't breath. :(
It's been incredibly windy all week, and because people are stupid and like to tear down mountains and make piles of dirt, all that dirt has blown into the sky.
There is SOO much dust in the air.
It hurts my eyes.
And every 3 minutes I cough.
It's ridiculous.

Also.
I have decided that if people are going to drink and smoke,
it's okay.
If it's rare. And if it doesn't change the person.
So many people start that kind of stuff saying, "oh it'll be a few times a year..."
And it's not true.
Then it starts to be monthly,
weekly,
and eventually daily.
And by then the person they were, is gone and they only want to smoke and drink and try new things.
I miss my friends.... :/
And I know, I don't have much right to say it...
Tell me please if you think I'm changing..

I have been debating a lot in my head about alcohol and other substances.
And I think it's okay once in a while. Well drinking and pot/such. Not like acid or worse.
But drinking once or twice every few months is alright, same for smoking.
It just bothers me and makes me sad when it causes people to change and not care about much other then being drunk or high.
:(
Yes... I'm being a total hypocrite with the drinking.
I drink more than I think is okay.
And it's scaring me. And so I have been staying away from it because of that.

Alrighty!
So... People suck.
There is this girl who thinks I hate her.
I don't. I don't know her.
There are a few things I think were stupid and mean,
But I only know one side of the story,
and besides I don't judge on a few little things before I get to know someone.
But when ever I see her, I'm so self-concise.
I don't want her to think I hate her.
But I don't want her to think I'm trying to be extra nice because I hate her.
Idk... I'm just weird...

Hmmm. :/
I feel like crap.
But it's my fault and I shouldn't complain about it.

Ha I have these non stop wars in my mind.
Is that selfish?
Is that reasonable?
Can I do this?
Is this a bad thing to do?
What is right?
Times a billion. Haha..

I fail all my tests of being a good/worthy person.

So... even though this is getting long, I feel like boring you to death.
:D

So. I dislike when people have the inability to try to understand others. Or at least just even if they don't understand it just let it go...

Or when they think they are so right... When they aren't.

Okay.... So I suddenly lost my want to write.
People are making me sad....
Making me feel selfish for thinking these selfish thoughts.
I must go beat myself back into the ground. :)
haha

Goooooodbye.
I bet you guys all care a lot about what I write. hahaha
Not really.
Spread the smiles. :)
Don't breath this city's air today or yesterday and probably tomorrow. OKAY? okay.

I chase after fairy tales.

And each time I fail.

Hello.

I wish someone could see the truth about me.
About why I do such things.
Why I think the way I do.
Why I am so far from perfect.
And not hate me, or feel bad.
Someone who could see how sensitive I am, but also how I'm not at all.

But that's a fairy tale, and fairy tales only occur on paper.

I'm just a little kid with a big dream,
about to be crushed.
With all these hopes running lose,
about to be lost for the rest of a lifetime.
With such a free spirit and mind,
about to be controlled.
With a good and kind heart,
about to be cold and mean.
With innocence,
about to be lost.

Okay so I'm gonna tell you all what I've been up to lately. :) haha
Nothing interesting.
End of term was friday... :( those grades will need to be hidden... I still feel unaccomplished though. :/
Then friday also was my "thanks giving" :D it was super fun and me and a few friends had a really good conversation about religion, abortion, over-population, suicide, gay rights, and stuff like that. :D
Then saturday was also good! I woke up early and read for like 2 or 3 hours.
Then a friend called and asked if I could come and help her set up for her picnic party later. So I went down there and it was fun. Then her friends and stuff arrived and we went and had a picnic. :D
And after I was driving home with my dad (cuz I only have a permit) and so I was making a left hand turn and I had started to pull out like I was supposed to and the light changed and some guy started to go while I was turning and I had to slam on my brakes in the middle of the intersection. WTF. Stupid man. He made me so scared. God. My dad was annoyed with him. Hahaha I was just scared.
Anyways then Sunshine wanted to go on a walk and so I was like "ohhh you should come sleepover and we can go on a walk in the evening." And she agreed. So we went on a walk and it was a creepy trail and we were gone for like 2 hours. And we went bush whacking down a super steep hill and through a creek. :D hahah... yeah. It was a good adventure.
And then her ex called her like 15 times (I'm not exaggerating. Not one bit... haha). Because she was supposed to sleepover with her and one of their friends. And they were going to drink and do tattoo's and smoke and Sunshine didn't want to with them.
Then later we went out and sat on my front porch in the middle of the night. :)
Good saturday.
Then today I just gotta do homework. But I may go on a walk or something with Sunshine later. :D

Ha so more about the title.
I chase after fairy tales.
I do I do I do.
And I fail every single time.
And every time I know I will fail also.
All the things I want, I know are unrealistic and silly.
I set myself up to fall.
:/

Idk.

I'm so judgmental.
The people that I used to be like,
I see as so dumb and annoying.
And I try to make it go away by seeing them as I was,
But I HATED myself then.
I really hated who I was, when I was like that.
I still hate who I am.
Like when I acted the way some people do now,
I had reasons, and I thought they were good reason,
And they were,
Except it was all my fault.
All of it. I took the circumstances and made myself utterly miserable.
I still do it too.
I'm scared of falling back into the self loathing cycle that I cannot end without killing who I am and what I love, without major sacrifices. I'm terrified.
Okay... I dunno. I just think people suck. UGH. hahah I'm such a terrible person. I should probably work on that....

I hate seeing people upset...
My best friend since her friend killed himself and since our friend tried...
She's been sad. And it's understandable...
I just hate it.
It's terrible.
It's SO horrible..
I don't think she'll just get over it.
She'll pretend... But I bet he randomly pops into her mind and it breaks her heart....
Suicide is an awful thing.
I understand so much better how those who try and those who have feel, compared to those whose friends died.
And I wish sometimes that my best friend knew.... So that we could speak about it.
But I could never tell. I could not say it.

Alright.. I don't know what I'm saying any more. So bye bye.
Spread the smiles. :D

The bad guy.

I feel like the bad guy again.

I let my issues get in the way.

I'm the one with the problem.

I'm the one making mistakes.

I feel so disappointed.

I don't have the right to.

I'm not fucking good enough.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not even acceptable.

I can't do this again.

I'm insecure.

I don't like to talk about things.

I don't make any sense.

I'm insane.

I'm self-centered.

I'll never live up to your expectations.

I can't live up to my own.

I can't do this.

Leave.
Run.
Give up.

I said you would, everyone does.

I can't expect more.

I'm so god damn stupid.

I'm cold and mean.

I am the bad guy.
I'm sorry.
I told you.
I'm sorry I made an exception in my rules.

I'm sorry that I am so sensitive.
I bet it annoys you as much as it does me. Maybe even more.

I'm sorry I don't want to talk about my faults.
I'm sorry I can't lie.
I'm sorry I am this way.
I'm sorry I don't know how to change.
I'm sorry... I'm not enough.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I knew I wasn't enough. I didn't warn you. I'm sorry.


I don't feel very good.
I'm sick.
I'm disappointed in myself.
And scared.
And overwhelmed.
And I just want to be good enough.
At everything. Every little thing. And I can't. And I knew that.
But since I can't do that I want to meet up to your expectations.
I should be able to do that.

Goodbye. I don't know.
Spread the smiles, eh.
ha sorry for such a lame post.
Probably shouldn't have wasted your time reading that...

Sometimes we find ourselves in some horrible imaginary world, sometimes it's not so horrible.

Heya.

Back when I was not really alright,
I used to believe I would never get out of the hopeless and helpless feelings I had.
Leading to and helping me believe that I was utterly worthless.
I thought I could not and would not ever shake off those feelings that surrounded me.
But I didn't think I deserved to feel any different either.
I thought that once a person reaches a certain point, they can not recover.
And I still do think so. You cannot recover from death. And some things as such.
But these are all somewhat abstract things. So I don't really know. Can someone hurt themselves so much, without reason, that they cannot recover?
Yeah... They can. I guess.
Anyways, I thought I was stuck. Forever. Till I would end up killing myself.
I thought people only could get out of such an emotional mess, if they lived in some kind of story, or got beaten on the head in such a way that they would no longer have the ability to think, or if they were to die.

Now I wonder if I have proven myself wrong.
Or if I have just been stuck... in some kind of story, so to speak.

Yes, I am happier.
But kind of in a sad way...
I have lost the sense of helplessness.
But I feel as if there are people in much more need, (and there are, quite a few, quite a lot) and so I should help myself. And I should be able to. I'm not in any kind of need of help compared to many.
And I have not lost the sense of hopelessness, but I have decided to deal with it. For the better. I don't want to be constantly disappointed when my hopes turn out another way.
And as for the worthlessness, I feel is rather unimportant. I am insignificant. Very insignificant. But I know that drastic actions would effect people. And as I've said before, I don't think it's my place to make another feel bad or mad or sad or whatever, and so such actions cannot be done.
So I am happier.
And I don't want to die like I had. I do enjoy life, although I don't think death would be so bad either.
Ha I don't know. I may totally insane.

I still feel as if it is a temporary high.
As if I will fall back to my previous state.
And if that is the case, I'll be sure to hide it best I can, like I did before.

Ha soo... Anyways.
I went to school today.
But I sound funny. :/ haha
Oh well.

Oh. I might have 2 A's this term. :)
It so sad. hahah that I'm smiling about 2 A's...
Oh well. I'm not really okay with my pretty much straight B's but I'll live.
My mother I'm more worried about though... She's going to freak...

Uhm.. Anything else?
I have like 30 books in my room. That I want to read.
And a list of like 100 more.
And each day the list grows...
hahah I don't have time to read them all.

Okay. Ha I'm done rambling. Goooooooodnight.
Spread the smiles. :D
Try to not be so negative. It does bad things to the people around you. And yeah... I'm aware that I'm being hypocritical. Sorry!
Be happy!
Make others happy!
Smile!
Live!
Laugh!
Discover!
Idk... hahah
Spread the smiles. Again and again and again and AGAIN. :D
:D

Failure.

Is all I can accomplish.

Hello.

Idk.
I stayed home sick today.
I should have done all my homework I'm behind on.
I didn't. Only a little.
I wasted the day.
I am sick. But not so sick I couldn't have done all the stuff I needed to.

Oh well.

I hate regret.
I hate when my mistakes are staring me right in the face.
Every single day.
Every single god damn day.
I'm still trying to forgive myself.
Why the fuck should I though?
So I can feel better about myself?
I feel good enough about myself.
I don't need to feel any better about myself.

Ha I realized I never really talk about anything outside of my little world.
Or only about things that aren't exactly real? Like abstract ideas? Or something. I dunno. Haha I don't make sense.

The past effects us all.
It's changed me from
happy
life-loving
people-loving
adventurous
outgoing

Into,
pessimistic
life-hating
suicidal
self-hating
people-hating
cautious
anti-social

and then again into a,
cautious
shy
curious
self-critical
semi-adventurous
impulsive
doubtful
person.
And more. haha

I don't know why.
Somethings stay, some change. Some leave, and then come back.
Idk.

This is a terrible post... haha sorry. for wasting your time and such.... :D

I'm an idiot.
I just need to be heartless.
I am heartless.
Heartless and selfish.
I am.
Keep telling me that.

I have been speaking with Circles more lately.
Our communication had nearly ended.
I don't feel myself falling for him though.
I would if I could go back in time.
But now I have given up hope. And willingness to try.
It may seem like I'm not over him.
I am. I'm over him.
I'm not over my stupidity. And the possible happiness I push away.
But I am over him.
:)

So... I'm going to stop my rambling... Cuz I'm sure it's boring you to death.

SPREAD THE SMILES.

:D
:D
:D
3 is my favorite number.
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
As is 7.

Goodbye.
Bye.
Adios.
Hej-da.
Tschus.
Hasta luego.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Turn the lights on. Hide in the shadows.

Hiya.

So... Friday at Sunshine's was super fun.
First we went on a walk/hike/adventure/thing. Super fun. It started snowing and we were on some little dirt trail next to a little creek. Finally we made it out of the tree's and bushes and found a road. Then we just kinda ran around and explored and chased snowflakes. :D hahaha it was fun. Then Around 9 we decided to go fly a kite. ha we looked like idiots cuz there was no wind. But it was definitely fun. Then we were just talking till like 1 or so. She said something like "you seemed to be a lot darker last year."
Yes I was. I was way darker.
She asked if it was true.
I didn't really want to answer. So I kind of just said perhaps.
She can figure it out with that. haha
I dunno why I didn't want to admit it.
I think about it all the time though.
I was soooo much worse last year. I was really not okay.
I suppose it mostly ended after I gave up hope with Circles.
Which you'd think it'd get worse.
But I guess I've just been denying it till recently. When I can think about it without tearing myself apart.
When I used to think about him and us, I'd feel so lost and broken and stupid and worthless. And I would hurt myself with words and such...
And now I can think about it all without making myself feel really awful.
I've just kind of been in a dream state for a year. I'm terrified of waking up. Scared of living and hurting.
Scared of hoping.
Wanting.
Feeling.
So I stay in this sort of state that seems unreal.
So I can let everything go by.
So I can let it be as I wish.
I live a world inside my head.
So I can lock myself up, and not infect the world. The already infected world.
I'm scared that I've lost myself. That I'll just break one day, and that'll be the end.

I have always been kind of unhappy. It reached it's highest about a year ago. Or two.
As far back as I can remember really well I've been not exactly happy.
And I see it as such a waste of time.
I've wasted so much time.

But a year ago... I was a mess.
I was desperately trying to hide it.
But it was not an easy thing for me.
There were weeks when I didn't want to do anything. When I couldn't feel like I could stand up and walk on my own.
Nearly every night I would cry and cry till 2 or 3 in the morning.
I sit there and just think about what a waste of life I was.
I'd try and see how much self hatred I could take.
And all the while, I knew it was a waste of time. I knew it was pathetic and quite stupid.
But I just could not stop.
I could not forgive myself.
I focused on every little detail that I fucked up.
And honestly, it was selfish. I spent all that time thinking and hating myself, when I had friends who needed a friend. And I wasn't there.

Well... Yep. haha I don't know if that all makes sense.
Ask if something is unclear... haha

So Goodbye. I must tend to the homework pile next to me.
Let's try to focus on something wonderful.
Instead of burying ourselves with unwanted issues.
Spread the smiles, my friends. :D

I am just alive.

Sorry I have been gone for a while. I guess I have just been busy or something.

Anyways, Hello.
:)

I will probably not post all weekend either. Ha I have busy social life lately. :/ haha It's a little annoying I guess.
So last time I posted was... almost a week ago I think. IDK.

Friday night I stayed at Sunshines's.
Saturday I just kind of thought about stuff all morning. In the evening my mom threw a party. Also while I was just wasting time thinking, I decided I was going to not drink for a while. And I actually have a really good reason, so I will be true to my word.
Sunday I did homework? I think.
Monday I think was doing homework.
Tuesday I went dress shopping after school. :) and hung with a friend. And then slept over.
Today I went home after school and napped. hahah
Tomorrow I'm hanging with Sunshine.
Friday I'm sleeping over there.
Saturday I'm sleeping over at my best friends.
Sunday HOMEWORK. haha

:) Fun fun.
My grades are not so lovely as I wish... But oh well.

So I love people sometimes.
Just the little stupid things that don't even matter, they are the best.
I'll post more about this later.

People are so harmful to themselves.
At least I am to myself. And some of my friends are.
I refuse to let myself be happy if I think it will last. Or if I catch myself thinking I'm happy.
The second I think that, I tell myself STOP. RIGHT NOW. This is not allowed. This is a waste of time. You don't deserve it.

But, I don't think I'm unhappy. No. No I'm not.
I have been unhappy. I'm much better now.
Now I just don't care to define what I am.
I am alive. I am here. It doesn't matter much more than that. Thats all that can be noticed by other people at least. Why should I go around thinking I'm sad? Or happy? Or whatever? It does nothing. You may think I'm making it up and that I really do think about it and care to define it. But I don't. And even if I did, my definition of happy or sad, may differ from yours. If that makes sense.
I am alive. I am here.
If I were dead, I would be dead, nothing more.
If I weren't here, I would be somewhere else. But it makes no difference.
Really.
If this all makes sense.
I'm not really happy, but I am not sad either.
That's all that matters to me.

I'm fragile.
Very much so.
But I try really hard to hide it.
I don't want people to be careful.
I don't want people to try to help.
I just want to be able to do it all on my own.
I need to. To not feel like a burden.
I know it helps people to help others... But there are plenty of other people who need help. I don't need it.
I need to be able to get along on my own, so I don't have to feel like a negative part of peoples lives near by.

I dislike how when you stick up for someone for one thing, how they all of a sudden think you agree with everything they do/think/say.

I like to tear things apart. Study them and analyze them. And yes, often my conclusions are deeply flawed. But no one has to know. Its just what I do in my head. No one has to know.
I tear things to shreds in my mind. Find new things each day.
But can you trust all the little things that happen? Are some insignificant?
I think so. So I don't trust what I think. But insignificant things can be significant to and insignificant thing. In which case I still find them intriguing.
:) ha idlk.

Goodnight!
SPREAD THE SMILES :D
I love it when you do.

La la la?

So, I was going to dedicate this post to talk about the things I love about people, but I don't have much time and my head hurts really bad so I will next time.

Hello, I'm going to tell you about the past few days. :)

So where should I start?
Uhm. Sunday.
I went skiing with my friend Lala. It was very fun. And I rode the bus down in bright red tights and a purple shirt. haha with blue shoes and a green backpack. :D
Then I learned about extra credit in english if we turned in this critical analysis on tuesday. I really needed that extra credit but I already had more than I could do for history. I spent all monday doing history and cleaning. So I didn't have time to get around to it.
Then tuesday was pretty lame. In history we had to write an essay and I totally failed. I think. I didn't even answer the question. And I combined 2 paragraphs and basically it was shit.
Then wednesday school was lame. And later I'm working on my critical analysis. And I kinda was like "I wish I could have gotten that extra credit." and she's like "Oh don't complain. You could have done it." And I was like, "Not really, I was busy all monday doing history and cleaning for my mom." Then she was like, "1, you could have done it on monday also. 2, you had time to do your other homework before. 3, you chose to miss friday, for that art show." It was annoying. I was just like "yeah." I couldn't have done it monday. I really tried. And yeah I could have done history on friday, and I would have but I thought I had time on monday to do it and I wasn't very happy, and wanted to nap, and I had plans. So not much of an excuse but I don't think that I could have gotten it done under the circumstances. And yes, I chose to go on friday, but I asked people what we did in the classes I missed. No one told me till sunday night about the critical analysis.
I guess I let it bother me too much. But it was just annoying. Cuz she was like "I had way less time than you, and I got everything done." It just felt like she was just trying to prove she's better than me. And yeah, she is, but I just didn't like it. I didn't wanna cause drama though so I just said "yeah" and then said I had to focus on homework.
Yesterday was pretty lame also.
Today, in german, we had one of our daily quizzes. Our teacher needed to go to the bathroom though. So she left. While she was gone, this kid goes up to her desk and says "the quiz will be on these words. someone write it down" and he started listing the verbs. Haha... :) I did much better on that quiz because of him. I know it's cheating... but it's just a little quiz and I would have done okay without his help. haha... I feel bad for my teacher. She got the worst possible combination of people.

Well... Ima go nap now.
Good bye, Spread the smiles :D

FUCK

Hello!

So basically... This is a huge waste of your time. And it makes me seem like a terrible person... And yeah I am. haha... I just need to take these mean thoughts out of my head so they quit make me wanna be mean. So I can start thinking of the good things in people. I'm warning you. WASTE OF YOUR TIME (below) :D

I hate stuff.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh why do people have to be such fucking dumbasses?
Why do I put up with it?
Why can't I just be a bitch?
I would really love to.
I don't want you, you, you, you, or you in my life.
Now leave.
You cause more pain than happiness.

Ugh. I'm sorry.
I need to be angry. So that I won't be angry to the people I'm actually angry at.

I hate when people take what I say, and use it against me.
Don't judge me on what I say about myself.
Don't take my word for granted.
I'm a liar.
I'm confused.
I'm sad.
I'm happy.
I'm whatever.

I hate people! GAH. No, I just hate things about them.

I hate when people don’t understand that not everyone thinks what they do.
It's fucking irritating. I understand that's what you think and that what is true for you, but you just might be wrong. ANd even if you aren't other people don't have to agree.

I hate when people admit something bad about themselves but they don’t care, don’t try to fix it, and think it’s okay because they admitted to it.
I know, it may seem like I do that. And I'm sorry if it does. But I fucking hate myself for those things. And it still doesn't make it okay. I know. Nothing does. I think that if you don't think what you are doing is wrong then it's okay, but when you know it's wrong? Ah. Soooo annoying.

I hate when people say sorry, and continue to do whatever it is they are *sorry* about.
You aren't sorry. You don't care. Don't lie. If you were sorry you would at least try to stop. And don't say you are trying, because that is not trying. Or if you really do think you are trying, explain to me please so I can understand. And yeah, I know I have done this a few times. And now I guess I really don't think my reasons are worth shit, and I'm sorry I wasted your time, I just wanted you to believe in me. And I know that's a lot to ask for. Especially when I beg you not to because I will disappoint you. I know it's not forgivable. Can we look past it? I will do the same.

I hate when people think that just because they are unhappy, that humanity as a whole should die.
Not everyone is sad, they should live. As long as they don't cause others unhappiness. The world isn't all about you.

I hate when people can’t see past their own little world.

I hate when people won’t even try.

So...that was a waste of your time... haha
I'm sorry. haha I shouldn't even post this. I just needed to get things out.
Don't worry, I don't hate anyone. I just hate things about people. I can always find something I appreciate about people. And if I can't, I just don't know them and I just don't understand them.
So the main reason I wrote this is because I'm sick of thinking what I do wrong. And I know I shouldn't turn that into focusing on what other people do wrong... I'm only saying it on here so I don't slip and say something I will regret. So yeah...
I know it's mean and closed minded and awful, but I just had to take out my worst thoughts and leave them so I can focus on something better.

I dunno. Ha

Goodnight, sorry for the lame post... Forgive me? :)
Spread the smiles. :D I love it when you do.

Try.

Waste your life.
Waste the effort.
Waste it all on selfish want.
Because you can keep yourself up,
others try and help,
if you also tried,
you could stand.
All on your own.
But you want to waste their time,
you want to waste their effort.
Justify it all you want,
but most of us won't see it the same.
So if you care,
you are damaging us.
And yes,
it is our fault,
but it is just as much your own.
Please,
all I want,
is for you to try.

Hey.

:/ I really hate when people don't try.
I understand when they just don't have hope.
I understand if they don't try because they have no more effort left to give.
But when they don't even want to be better? Or okay?
Oh it drives me crazy!
I know it's not a really good thing. But it's one of the most irritating things in the whole world.
Like when people want to cause harm on others.
I just don't understand how people can be so selfish.
Do they care that they are hurting others?
Does it hurt them?
I usually say it does.
Because it's unimaginable to be otherwise.
But time and time again I find myself wondering about some people...
Do they just not think that far?
Or what?
Explain. Someone please?

I dunno.

I'm hurting.
Along with like everyone else.
Why?
I can tell you why I'm hurting, but not why everyone else is.
Everyone is always hurting though.
I want to push all the hurt away.
Drown myself in my misery.
But I'm happy.
I tell myself that at least.
Which is a lie?
Am I happy?
Or am I hurting?
Can I be both?
I'm happy for a lot of things.
But I'm quite sad for a lot of things also.
The sad seems to be a little bit more fond of me though.
Hmmm.
I dunno.

Well goodnight.
Spread the smiles. They are really needed.

Love.

I tell people I don't believe in it.
But I guess I just don't know what I think it is.
Or I do, but I don't think I'm right.

Hello.

To me, love is something someone feels toward something. To whatever that thing might be, it is all that matters. Other things still matter, but that thing is much more important. To love someone, something, is to be able to forgive it for all it's wrongs, forget all it's faults. Want to try to make it happy while it makes you happy. It's something one can't get off their mind. Something to look forward to. Something to help you up when you've fallen, and something you can help up when it's fallen.
I really don't know.

I believe love exists, but not as I'd like it to.
And I don't think that it's something I will get, or something I deserve.
And I think that it's not quite as important as everyone seems to think.
I think it's important, just not in high school.

I don't know.
I don't want to waste my time on something that will hurt me.
Yes, I guess at first it will be good.
But I will hurt. When it's over.
Even if I want it to be over.
I will want to feel love again.
But it will end.

I think people these days are more in want of the feeling then an actual person.
People want to feel loved. And love someone.
But they're looking for love, not a human.
In a way they are the same... But if you're only looking for love you will miss all the people and lose the chance to find love.
Love is something you learn to do. It doesn't just happen.
You have to find people and then through them find love.
Does that make sense?
Haha I dunno. I think I'm a bit insane.

We can be happy without it.

When people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend or such,
I just say I don't believe in love.
It's so much easier than explaining all of that. haha..
:)

Okay I'm done with that... haha

So another long weekend. :) We've had like 4 in a row, it's wonderful!
I dunno what to do.
People make me annoyed.
Can I just go live in the middle of some desolate rainy cold forest full of mushrooms?
Yes, mushrooms. They are so cool! haha I'm weird. Shush.... :)

Secrets are floating all over. Usually I only have to keep my own. But now I have others swimming around in my head. And they are ones that people really want to know. People will be talking and making assumptions, and I'm just sitting there knowing the truth. Good thing people don't expect me to know anything about such things. :)

Well... Good day to you.
Spread the smiles, like jam. Or butter on warm toast! Or... something. :D

Destroy. Burn. Kill.

:(
Why is everyone so unhappy?
Why is everyone trying to kill themselves?
Wanting to kill themselves?
Killing themselves?
That is all I ever hear about these days...

Hello.

Today I woke up. Finished some homework.
Went to school. Played with chemicals in chemistry.
In English, I learned an old friend and current acquaintance tried to kill themselves.
Then I went to math expecting to fail my test and the quarter. But I asked my teacher a few things before and I think I may have done alright.
Then I went to german. My teacher was actually quite happy.
Then I went home. I decided to check my grades and they all got better. I only have 1 C left and it's almost a B. So I decided to text Sunshine and tell her about my happiness and see when we are hanging out. After a while I asked if she was alright because she seemed a little upset. She told me that her ex was planing on killing herself.
All I hear these days are things about cutting, suicide, other forms of self harm, and such.
It's terrible.
My best friend is very close to the girl who tried to kill herself.
She's really hurting..
That's to much to deal with... Another friend of hers killed himself only like 2 weeks ago.
Why?
Why are people so unhappy?
It's really not okay.
It kills me to see everyone like this...
It's like how it used to be.
Everyday one of the 2 people closest to me would be wanting to kill themselves, or they knew someone who had recently. It's getting to be like it was.

I wish to live far far away.

I realized today that the reason why when I want to skip a few years and just live then. I get sick of people. And usually they get sick of me within a few years. The ones that don't I usually don't get sick of. I want to be in the future. With the few people I enjoy company with. I just want to not be surrounded by all these people. You might say I'm just jealous, I'm not. I really don't like these idiots.
I'm sick of high school.
It ruins people.
I hate people.
They ruin people.
Why?
Were those people ruined?
Who ruined them?
What ruined them?
Why is everything so broken?
A few broken things are good it helps us appreciate the good things and sometimes there is beauty in what's broken. But we need a little support or everything will fall on top of us. Not all the tiles and be cracked. It doesn't function that way.

:/ I dunno.

I'm going to do my homework for real. So good evening.
Spread the smiles and such..

Doubt.

I have way to much of it.
I don't want to doubt the things I do.
Somethings, yeah that's fine. I can doubt a lot and i won't care.
But I don't want to doubt these things...
No... I don't like it.

Hello.

It's so easy to pretend.
It's so easy to lie.
Is it bad that I think so?
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel bad when I do.
And it helps me prove to myself that I am not a very worthy person.
But I'm okay with being a bad person as long as no one knows. As long as it only effects me.
And by only effects me, I mean it can effect other people, but not if it will hurt them. When I hurt them, then I feel terrible. But if they don't know, and never do know, and I never hurt them, only myself, I will go for it.
I know... I'm kind of terrible.
I don't mean to hurt anyone, I mean to protect them.
I don't want to let people in, there is like a 90% chance I will hurt them. It's not worth it.
I know. Some hurt is healthy for us... But I don't need to be the reason... Someone else will hurt them. Its bound to happen.

Okay... Now more on the topic!
haha

All people doubt.
It's a good thing.
To an extent at least.
We need to be at least a little prepared for things to not be as they seem. You know?
I'm used to doubting nearly everything.
But about other people.
Usually I know when I am lying to myself. When I am truly fucking up.
I usually can tell things about myself.
But doubt is coming after me.
I'm questioning.
All kinds of things.
I guess I always have doubted and wondered about them, but I just accepted not know to be okay.
Now I want to know though.
But I won't tell what these things are.
I don't know why...
I guess I just feel silly for it.
It doesn't matter.
I don't need to know...
Right?
Maybe... I don't know.
...

New subject! I shall tell you about my day? Okay!
Last night sucked.
I was up till 10, which is pretty early if you ask me.
Then just before 12 I woke up. Decided to finish a little more homework.
Told myself I had make my self sleep before 2.
At 3, I gave up. Decided to watch some tv. At 4, I fell asleep and slept for 2 more hours.
4 hours is actually a very good amount for me. But i'd rather they be in a row...
Then I didn't go to first because I needed to finish homework. I wish everyday I didn't have to go to school till 9. It's so nice. Then in 2nd we played battleship. Then 3rd I took a roll of film and my photo teacher asked if I wanted to go to an art show on friday. I'm excited! haha then in Spanish (4th) finished writing our murder mystery stories. :) It was a good day.

Okay. Goodnight.
SPREAD THE SMILES. I didn't say it last time. So this time spread extra smiles. And stuff. :D