I am just alive.

Sorry I have been gone for a while. I guess I have just been busy or something.

Anyways, Hello.
:)

I will probably not post all weekend either. Ha I have busy social life lately. :/ haha It's a little annoying I guess.
So last time I posted was... almost a week ago I think. IDK.

Friday night I stayed at Sunshines's.
Saturday I just kind of thought about stuff all morning. In the evening my mom threw a party. Also while I was just wasting time thinking, I decided I was going to not drink for a while. And I actually have a really good reason, so I will be true to my word.
Sunday I did homework? I think.
Monday I think was doing homework.
Tuesday I went dress shopping after school. :) and hung with a friend. And then slept over.
Today I went home after school and napped. hahah
Tomorrow I'm hanging with Sunshine.
Friday I'm sleeping over there.
Saturday I'm sleeping over at my best friends.
Sunday HOMEWORK. haha

:) Fun fun.
My grades are not so lovely as I wish... But oh well.

So I love people sometimes.
Just the little stupid things that don't even matter, they are the best.
I'll post more about this later.

People are so harmful to themselves.
At least I am to myself. And some of my friends are.
I refuse to let myself be happy if I think it will last. Or if I catch myself thinking I'm happy.
The second I think that, I tell myself STOP. RIGHT NOW. This is not allowed. This is a waste of time. You don't deserve it.

But, I don't think I'm unhappy. No. No I'm not.
I have been unhappy. I'm much better now.
Now I just don't care to define what I am.
I am alive. I am here. It doesn't matter much more than that. Thats all that can be noticed by other people at least. Why should I go around thinking I'm sad? Or happy? Or whatever? It does nothing. You may think I'm making it up and that I really do think about it and care to define it. But I don't. And even if I did, my definition of happy or sad, may differ from yours. If that makes sense.
I am alive. I am here.
If I were dead, I would be dead, nothing more.
If I weren't here, I would be somewhere else. But it makes no difference.
Really.
If this all makes sense.
I'm not really happy, but I am not sad either.
That's all that matters to me.

I'm fragile.
Very much so.
But I try really hard to hide it.
I don't want people to be careful.
I don't want people to try to help.
I just want to be able to do it all on my own.
I need to. To not feel like a burden.
I know it helps people to help others... But there are plenty of other people who need help. I don't need it.
I need to be able to get along on my own, so I don't have to feel like a negative part of peoples lives near by.

I dislike how when you stick up for someone for one thing, how they all of a sudden think you agree with everything they do/think/say.

I like to tear things apart. Study them and analyze them. And yes, often my conclusions are deeply flawed. But no one has to know. Its just what I do in my head. No one has to know.
I tear things to shreds in my mind. Find new things each day.
But can you trust all the little things that happen? Are some insignificant?
I think so. So I don't trust what I think. But insignificant things can be significant to and insignificant thing. In which case I still find them intriguing.
:) ha idlk.

Goodnight!
SPREAD THE SMILES :D
I love it when you do.