Turn the lights on. Hide in the shadows.

Hiya.

So... Friday at Sunshine's was super fun.
First we went on a walk/hike/adventure/thing. Super fun. It started snowing and we were on some little dirt trail next to a little creek. Finally we made it out of the tree's and bushes and found a road. Then we just kinda ran around and explored and chased snowflakes. :D hahaha it was fun. Then Around 9 we decided to go fly a kite. ha we looked like idiots cuz there was no wind. But it was definitely fun. Then we were just talking till like 1 or so. She said something like "you seemed to be a lot darker last year."
Yes I was. I was way darker.
She asked if it was true.
I didn't really want to answer. So I kind of just said perhaps.
She can figure it out with that. haha
I dunno why I didn't want to admit it.
I think about it all the time though.
I was soooo much worse last year. I was really not okay.
I suppose it mostly ended after I gave up hope with Circles.
Which you'd think it'd get worse.
But I guess I've just been denying it till recently. When I can think about it without tearing myself apart.
When I used to think about him and us, I'd feel so lost and broken and stupid and worthless. And I would hurt myself with words and such...
And now I can think about it all without making myself feel really awful.
I've just kind of been in a dream state for a year. I'm terrified of waking up. Scared of living and hurting.
Scared of hoping.
Wanting.
Feeling.
So I stay in this sort of state that seems unreal.
So I can let everything go by.
So I can let it be as I wish.
I live a world inside my head.
So I can lock myself up, and not infect the world. The already infected world.
I'm scared that I've lost myself. That I'll just break one day, and that'll be the end.

I have always been kind of unhappy. It reached it's highest about a year ago. Or two.
As far back as I can remember really well I've been not exactly happy.
And I see it as such a waste of time.
I've wasted so much time.

But a year ago... I was a mess.
I was desperately trying to hide it.
But it was not an easy thing for me.
There were weeks when I didn't want to do anything. When I couldn't feel like I could stand up and walk on my own.
Nearly every night I would cry and cry till 2 or 3 in the morning.
I sit there and just think about what a waste of life I was.
I'd try and see how much self hatred I could take.
And all the while, I knew it was a waste of time. I knew it was pathetic and quite stupid.
But I just could not stop.
I could not forgive myself.
I focused on every little detail that I fucked up.
And honestly, it was selfish. I spent all that time thinking and hating myself, when I had friends who needed a friend. And I wasn't there.

Well... Yep. haha I don't know if that all makes sense.
Ask if something is unclear... haha

So Goodbye. I must tend to the homework pile next to me.
Let's try to focus on something wonderful.
Instead of burying ourselves with unwanted issues.
Spread the smiles, my friends. :D