I chase after fairy tales.

And each time I fail.

Hello.

I wish someone could see the truth about me.
About why I do such things.
Why I think the way I do.
Why I am so far from perfect.
And not hate me, or feel bad.
Someone who could see how sensitive I am, but also how I'm not at all.

But that's a fairy tale, and fairy tales only occur on paper.

I'm just a little kid with a big dream,
about to be crushed.
With all these hopes running lose,
about to be lost for the rest of a lifetime.
With such a free spirit and mind,
about to be controlled.
With a good and kind heart,
about to be cold and mean.
With innocence,
about to be lost.

Okay so I'm gonna tell you all what I've been up to lately. :) haha
Nothing interesting.
End of term was friday... :( those grades will need to be hidden... I still feel unaccomplished though. :/
Then friday also was my "thanks giving" :D it was super fun and me and a few friends had a really good conversation about religion, abortion, over-population, suicide, gay rights, and stuff like that. :D
Then saturday was also good! I woke up early and read for like 2 or 3 hours.
Then a friend called and asked if I could come and help her set up for her picnic party later. So I went down there and it was fun. Then her friends and stuff arrived and we went and had a picnic. :D
And after I was driving home with my dad (cuz I only have a permit) and so I was making a left hand turn and I had started to pull out like I was supposed to and the light changed and some guy started to go while I was turning and I had to slam on my brakes in the middle of the intersection. WTF. Stupid man. He made me so scared. God. My dad was annoyed with him. Hahaha I was just scared.
Anyways then Sunshine wanted to go on a walk and so I was like "ohhh you should come sleepover and we can go on a walk in the evening." And she agreed. So we went on a walk and it was a creepy trail and we were gone for like 2 hours. And we went bush whacking down a super steep hill and through a creek. :D hahah... yeah. It was a good adventure.
And then her ex called her like 15 times (I'm not exaggerating. Not one bit... haha). Because she was supposed to sleepover with her and one of their friends. And they were going to drink and do tattoo's and smoke and Sunshine didn't want to with them.
Then later we went out and sat on my front porch in the middle of the night. :)
Good saturday.
Then today I just gotta do homework. But I may go on a walk or something with Sunshine later. :D

Ha so more about the title.
I chase after fairy tales.
I do I do I do.
And I fail every single time.
And every time I know I will fail also.
All the things I want, I know are unrealistic and silly.
I set myself up to fall.
:/

Idk.

I'm so judgmental.
The people that I used to be like,
I see as so dumb and annoying.
And I try to make it go away by seeing them as I was,
But I HATED myself then.
I really hated who I was, when I was like that.
I still hate who I am.
Like when I acted the way some people do now,
I had reasons, and I thought they were good reason,
And they were,
Except it was all my fault.
All of it. I took the circumstances and made myself utterly miserable.
I still do it too.
I'm scared of falling back into the self loathing cycle that I cannot end without killing who I am and what I love, without major sacrifices. I'm terrified.
Okay... I dunno. I just think people suck. UGH. hahah I'm such a terrible person. I should probably work on that....

I hate seeing people upset...
My best friend since her friend killed himself and since our friend tried...
She's been sad. And it's understandable...
I just hate it.
It's terrible.
It's SO horrible..
I don't think she'll just get over it.
She'll pretend... But I bet he randomly pops into her mind and it breaks her heart....
Suicide is an awful thing.
I understand so much better how those who try and those who have feel, compared to those whose friends died.
And I wish sometimes that my best friend knew.... So that we could speak about it.
But I could never tell. I could not say it.

Alright.. I don't know what I'm saying any more. So bye bye.
Spread the smiles. :D