Amplify the sounds.

Before it all comes down.
Before the chance is missed.

Hmm...
To fall in love with me, would be an awful thing to do.
I'm never satisfied.
You'd never be good enough.
No matter who you are.
I'd always find something wrong.
I'd always make you feel incompetent.
I should just warn people.
Tattoo it on my forehead to stay away.
I'll do no good for you, and even if you help a lot, it'll never be enough.
I'm just a pathetic, selfish, stupid, impulsive, psychotic, whiny, self-pitying, idiot.
That's really how it is.
I'd be happy for a day, or maybe even a month, but then I'd reach my limit and return to building up my wall.
NO ONE ALLOWED.
I know the curiosity will try to tempt you, but honestly, don't let it.
Don't let it for the fucking life of you.
I'll take your hard work and smash it on the ground.
Every single time.
Once you feel accepted, I'll throw you out.
I'll never give you a reason.
If you find the truth, you'll never be let back in.
You'll regret it.

This is what I've decided.
:)

When people talk shit about others,
then the others find out,
they'll say something like,
"Don't listen to them, they don't know shit. If you want the truth talk to me."
Idk. Ha I think people shouldn't trust what ANYONE says. Only yourself.
Don't trust what people say about themselves or what people say about others.

Ah I dunno what I'm talking about.
So... What have I been up to?
Last weekend I spent all my time with friends. No alone time.
This weekend I did the same.
Till today. I was supposed do my homework...
Ah that never works out as I like.

I feel so alone.
And I wish I had someone to blame.
But it all comes down on me.
I'm the one pushing people away...
I'm the problem.
I'm the only one standing in the way of everything I want. Everything I need.
Why won't I just fucking get out of the way?
Why do I wish this upon myself?
Is there something greatly wrong with my little brain?
Ah I don't know.

I'm fine as long as I don't feel like I used to.
When or if that happens again, I will be endangered.
So I'm fine.

Sometimes I feel so helpless.
There is nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do to help.
Nothing.

Ah well now I'm going to do my homework. I have gotten really bad at that. Good thing school is almost over.
So. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles, help someone out.

I just don't know what to do without you.

And sometimes you just have to let go, and fall.

I really do not like you.

So. I'll just tell you what I've been up to this weekend.
Friday, I did nothing. Looked up different medicine stuff. How much does what, how much kills.
Today, homework all day till the evening. My friend came over and we chilled and watched America's Next Top Model.
Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with a friend. The only one that I'm kind of close to and doesn't make me feel bad about myself. We're going to the movies and taking pictures in this creepy ally. I won't go alone, so I'm making her join me. :D

When I was younger, I was filled with so much rage. It started at about 8 or 9. When I discovered what an awful friend my best friend was. Before then I was so happy and cheerful and tried my best to help anyone in need. I was so perfect, I guess. But then 8 came, and I was so mad. Just so fucking angry with everything. Then around 11 or 12 it started to fade, replaced with sorrow. And since I've come to such a loss as to how one can hate anything so much. I have some things I greatly dislike but very few that I'd call hate. But I feel my rage growing. Completely unreasonable rage to. Actually. When I was 11 or so, I turned the hate to myself. And that seems reasonable, but lately I've been putting it elsewhere. For no reason. I haven't bursted yet, but in my head rather than hate myself I've turned it to others.
I guess I'm just trying to say, that I'm terrified of turning into that person again.
It goes against everything I believe in. Everything I try to be true to.

Hmmm...
I'm so over this.
People are so fucking stupid.
UGHHHHHHHHH.
I hate it.
Because I know I'm wrong. But it still bothers the fucking hell out of me.
I CANNOT STAND IT.
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
Makes me feel so goddamn useless.
But that's my fault.
It's my fault for thinking that.
I should just be happy for you.
I should just not care so much.
Especially when it's stupid fucking insignificant things that don't matter at all!
So it's my fault.
Get happier and happier, and farther and farther away from this dreadful place.
Oh I don't blame you.
I'm the only one who sees this invisible devil underneath the surface.
If I'm the only one, I must be wrong.
But I don't want to be wrong. I'm always wrong.
That's all there is.
Everything I am is wrong.
People say.
Or they say, I'm right, they just don't care. Or they just think it's easier otherwise.
It's like I've been brainwashed to believe that I'm wrong.
I believe it.
I believe that there is something horribly wrong in my head.
But not wrong enough.
Not wrong enough for people to care, or for it to need to be fixed.
Never enough....
Never fucking enough.

Well... I dunno. I'm just being stupid.
Goodnight.

I can't shake this feeling.

Rotten and unwanted.

I just want to talk to you,
but you seem to think I am some nasty germ they just doesn't understand.
I took all my courage and said what I felt I had to, and I asked for the answer that would solve all my confusion.
But you said nothing in return.
So I just said goodbye.
I guess that's what I did to you also...
You asked the question and I responded with nothing.
A mixed jumble of nothing.
I'm sorry. I knew the answer very well.
I just didn't know how to say it.
And I hate myself forever for that. I hate myself so goddamn much because I couldn't say a little word. One little word that would solve all your confusion.
I tried to show it without words, but you couldn't understand. No one but me.
In your eyes am I so unwanted?
No feelings are involved now, I just want to solve the mysteries of the past.
So that maybe I can forgive myself.
:(

I really need to clean my room. It's a mess.
I also really need to do my homework.

I really just want to talk to someone.
Someone that I could trust would be there for more then a month or so.
Why can't I trust people?
One little lie and that's it. Forever.
I'll pretend, but it's not the same.
And I can't blame that person.
I have to blame myself.
Because it's my problem.
Yes they lied, but I should be able to forgive and forget.
Instead I just pretend.
Because I'm ashamed that I can't forgive and forget.
So damn ashamed.
I don't do anything right...

Hmm... Well. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles...

Neglect

I want someone to rip me apart.
So that all this evil can escape.
So it will stop hurting me.
Even though there is a chance that being ripped apart would just bring more evil to feast...
It's worth a chance.

I'm not okay.
But I want to do it on my own.
I don't need to feel helpless.
I have to be able to solve my problems on my own.
I want to be able to do all of it.
All on my own.
And I can't.
I can't.
I'm not good enough.
Not at all.
I'm not pretty enough.
Or smart enough.
Or important.
Or anything.
I just can't.
I'm just like everyone else.
Lost in puzzles that I made myself.
Lost in a maze I entered by my own choice.
Lost and scared.
Forgotten and unimportant.
It's just how it is.
Just how it's been.
And how it will be.
I just don't know how to do anything but cause myself harm.
Can't do any good no matter how I wish I could.
All of it is just simply a waste.

This is silly.
This is a waste.

Let's just say it's not for any of you.
It's just so I can maybe think it less in my mind.
Though that's no excuse.
So I guess I'm waiting for the hate or neglect.
Expect nothing more.

I say this every time, because I think you should listen, so I say it till you won't forget.
Spread the smiles.

Nothing but the wind.

Hate people.
I feel dizzy.
Idk if it's because I have bad circulation or just going insane.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Haha I pick that I'm going insane.

I dunno what to do.
My friends are losing it. I'm losing it.

What I'd really like is to be out in the middle of nowhere.
No people.
Just a notebook, pencil, and a bottle of pills.
Perhaps a camera also.
Just so I can think. And see where I take myself.
See what I come up with.

I had to decide that I was okay with the world being shit before.
I stick to that.
I have to not care because otherwise I fall in a pit of never-ending sorrow.
I can't do that. Because I know where that leads and I don't approve of that ending.
It's not a story I can be okay with.

I have to put myself down. Because thats what I deserve.
And otherwise I'd be constantly disappointed.
I guess I am already anyways, but I just try to not focus on myself.
It never leads to a good place. Never.

People make me so crazy.
I don't want to fucking talk to you.
I don't want you to change.
I miss the old you.
I think I'm losing you.
I think you're trying to get rid of me.
I want you to be okay.

You hurt.
You lie.
You seek attention.
You can't see the good, ever.

I just don't know.
Don't know.
No. No. No.
I can't.

Happy mothers day.
I know I should be nicer to you.
You think I'm a good kid.
But not the kid you wanted.
I'm not popular.
I'm not cheerful.
I'm nothing you wanted.
I'm not you.
I'm sorry that I can't be what you hoped for.
I'm sorry I let you down.

Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.

Battle

Ants suck. They need to stay out in the desert where no one needs to see them.
People suck also. So... I don't know any good solutions for that...
How about.... They stop being such assholes!
Okay okay. That's not fair.
I'm an asshole too.
I just pretend to be nice.
Which isn't cool.

Honestly,
I just want to be nice.
I want to think people are nice.
I want someone to hold my hand.
I want to be happy.
I want to have hope.

I want more than I can get.
I want more than I deserve.

I want to just not care.
Not care about anything.
Not care that you hurt.
Not care that I hurt.
Not care that it's all going to hell.
Not care that you're ruining your life.
And that makes me awful.

I'm not allowed to say that I don't want to care.
It's rude.
I don't want to be rude.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I don't want to try to be better though either.

And that makes me awful also.
I am awful.
But I want you to see it and tell me I'm wrong.
I want you to tell me I'm not awful.
I want to hear it.
But it's not true.
I'm awful.
These things I do are terrible.

I want to be seen as nice,
and strong,
and confident,
and pretty,
and interesting,
and whatever.
But I'm not.
I'm mean.
And weak.
And manipulative.
And far to self conscience.
And average.
We are all so average.
Every one of us.

So insignificant.
I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.
Even though I know it will.
It all ends the same.
What happens between beginning and end really don't matter so much.
In the end we die and were dead and that's really it.
For me that's all there is.
Maybe you think there is something after.
And you can live for that.
But I have nothing after.
Just nothingness.
No thought
no feeling
no nothing.
Just gone.
Just nothing.

I think life is so insignificant.
But that is all I have.
And even if all I have is much less then even the slightest significant thing, it's all I have.
So for me, it isn't so insignificant?
But only for me.
For the world, it's still very very incredibly insignificant.
I don't really know what I'm saying.

I never forgive myself.
Ever little mistake.
I'll forget it.
Then remember and I'll take it all on again.
I have to go through the whole equation again. And again.
That's all my little mind does.

IDK.

Goodbye.
Spread the smiles my dears.
Please.

ROAR haha

I don't understand.

Nope. Not at all.

I want it all fucking gone.

I can't tell if you're lying.
I can't tell if you care.
I can't figure out what you want.
I can't figure out what I want.

I just don't fucking know.

I just want the truth. No matter how much damage it'll do to my health.

I just don't want to be me. Or. I guess I just don't want to be anyone.

We all have problems and I can't deal with issues.

Hmm...

I know she's hurting.
I know she feels so lost.
I know she's trying to hide it.
I know.
I know she wants someone to help out.

I just can't.
I don't see the good.
I focus on the bad.
I make happy people sad, and the sad I just destroy.
She doesn't want me to see. She wants someone else.
Our ideals and values don't match up. At all.
We can't talk about anything without disagreeing.
My ideas are based on my views on life and whatever. And same goes for her.

This is a friend that I'm talking about. In case you were wondering.

Hmm... History is over. Finally. But. Eh. I failed. So doesn't make me feel better that it's over.

Haha.

I'm reading this diary I've had since I was like 7.
I never write in it anymore. But I read it sometimes.
I remember all my 7-year-old secrets. Haha

Stop feeling sorry for yourself people!

Okay. Well. I must get ready. For the day.
Spread the smiles. :D

How?

So... I realize I have been gone for a bit.
Honestly all I have been doing is stupid goddamn history. AP test on friday. I'm preparing to fail. UGH. My best friend today, was sitting there complaining about how on the practice tests she does worse than everyone except me. :( Gee thanks. That's a real confidence booster. Bleh. Whatever. I'm going to fail. No matter what I do will change that.

I hate everything.
Stupid goddamn school.
Stupid goddamn attention whores.
Stupid mother fucking asshole teacher.
Stupid homework.
Stupid secrets.
Stupid life.
Stupid tests.
Stupid weather.
Stupid me.
Stupid people.
BLEH.

Ha I'm sorry. I'll try an not be so goddamn annoying.
Heh. I'm just annoying. I'm sorry, I suggest you just stop talking to me or whatever.

I just don't feel very great.

I just need summer.

Bleh...

Fuck I hate this.

I'm just sleep deprived, stressed, semi-sick, annoyed, you know, the normal.
Haha I'm kind of just an uptight unaccepting unreasonable psychopathic asshole. Lovely.

I fucking hate everything.
Sick of people having sex with everyone.
Sick of people doing drugs even if it's just pot. I don't fucking care, it's not an excuse to do it everyday. I don't even think people should more than like once a month.
Sick of people drinking.
Sick of people thinking they're so awesome.
Sick of my fucking asshole mother.
Sick of all the people who change around people.
Sick of people telling me I'm wrong. I know, okay? Please at least if you're going to say so, tell me how to fix it.
Sick of people enjoying causing harm on others.
I don't like high school.
No, I don't care the this girl had sex with him and gave him a blow job. Honestly if they're happy and not fucking with others emotions I really don't give a fuck, stop trying to make the people involved look bad. Yeah the girl's a slut and the guy's are asses. So what! Let them be. You don't have to fucking get involved. If the girl understands that the guy doesn't fucking give a shit then go the hell a ahead.
No, I don't want to go smoke with you and your ex-girl friend.
Yes, I know you're smarter than me, skinnier than me, more interesting than me, prettier than me, better than me in every way. I know I don't compare, you don't need to put me in my place. I know where I belong.
No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I've never had one. Because I am far to cynical to think it will be all good and happy in the end. The middle may be amazing but it's not worth it. I'm only in high school.
Leave me alone...
I just want to go lay under the sky. And I don't want to ever get back up.

I feel like a little three year old surrounded by teens. I don't understand shit and I'm simply a nuisance. I'm just a little kid, and I'm not supposed to be around these fucking dumbass teens. I'm supposed to be enjoying every little thing I lay my eyes on. But I ventured to far and got stuck in the crowd of teens, lost and small and unseen and I don't know what's going on. Something's not right. Really fucking broken. How'd this happen....?

How the hell did it get to this?
And this isn't even comparable to bad, how?
How...?




IDK. I'm sorry. Just stop reading these. :)
Bye.
Spread those smiles.