Battle

Ants suck. They need to stay out in the desert where no one needs to see them.
People suck also. So... I don't know any good solutions for that...
How about.... They stop being such assholes!
Okay okay. That's not fair.
I'm an asshole too.
I just pretend to be nice.
Which isn't cool.

Honestly,
I just want to be nice.
I want to think people are nice.
I want someone to hold my hand.
I want to be happy.
I want to have hope.

I want more than I can get.
I want more than I deserve.

I want to just not care.
Not care about anything.
Not care that you hurt.
Not care that I hurt.
Not care that it's all going to hell.
Not care that you're ruining your life.
And that makes me awful.

I'm not allowed to say that I don't want to care.
It's rude.
I don't want to be rude.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I don't want to try to be better though either.

And that makes me awful also.
I am awful.
But I want you to see it and tell me I'm wrong.
I want you to tell me I'm not awful.
I want to hear it.
But it's not true.
I'm awful.
These things I do are terrible.

I want to be seen as nice,
and strong,
and confident,
and pretty,
and interesting,
and whatever.
But I'm not.
I'm mean.
And weak.
And manipulative.
And far to self conscience.
And average.
We are all so average.
Every one of us.

So insignificant.
I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.
Even though I know it will.
It all ends the same.
What happens between beginning and end really don't matter so much.
In the end we die and were dead and that's really it.
For me that's all there is.
Maybe you think there is something after.
And you can live for that.
But I have nothing after.
Just nothingness.
No thought
no feeling
no nothing.
Just gone.
Just nothing.

I think life is so insignificant.
But that is all I have.
And even if all I have is much less then even the slightest significant thing, it's all I have.
So for me, it isn't so insignificant?
But only for me.
For the world, it's still very very incredibly insignificant.
I don't really know what I'm saying.

I never forgive myself.
Ever little mistake.
I'll forget it.
Then remember and I'll take it all on again.
I have to go through the whole equation again. And again.
That's all my little mind does.

IDK.

Goodbye.
Spread the smiles my dears.
Please.