Hello,
So I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Yes, you. I'm going to call you Circles, because you make my mind run in them, there is no end and no solution.
Circles is a friend. We used to be very very close, he knew basically every thought of mine, and I knew his. When we first met in person, I was nervous and giggly and didn't hardly talk. We'd been texting for about a week then, because of a friend, Neon is what we shall call her. Neon one day told me to text Circles, so I did. We didn't stop texting, for months. It was a constant interaction. Pretty soon I learned he was hung up on a girl who he was dating off and on. My friend Neon was super jealous of her and HATED her sooo much. Then after I had met him almost everyday during lunch for like 2 months, (we had school close to eachother and lunch at the same time) we were texting late, I couldn't sleep. And he said something like "I think I may love you, but not be in love with you..." and I didn't really know what to say, I liked him a little but it was weird because Neon and that other girl. I didn't reply. In the morning I avoided the subject said "Hey, sorry I fell asleep."
Not much later, Neon wanted us three to hang out. Apparently he'd been talking about me to her. I was nervous but I wanted to. So we arranged it. It was some time in the spring and like 10 minutes before I got to our meeting place Neon texted me and said she couldn't go. I was texting Circles and we decided to hang out anyways. From then on we hung out every weekend.
Then over the summer I left the country for 6 weeks. I was so sad to leave him. By then I liked him. I liked him a lot. Even though he was still a little hung up on that girl. I was worried they'd get back together. Really worried. When I got back we still talked. But I could tell he'd started to like her again. Then when fall came around we were back to hanging out every weekend. By November every chance we got we were together, and I had finally met the other girl. He paid more attention to me. He actually hardly paid attention to her. I talked to her more even. Then it was his birthday in December but I had plans already. I saw him anyways. For a moment. We were at the same place. He said seeing me was the best part of the night.
About a week later, he asked me out. I wanted to say yes more than anything. I didn't know if he was serious, deep down I knew he meant it, but I couldn't believe my hopes would come so easily. So I didn't answer. He asked again a few days later. But I'm cynical. I thought, it'll hurt when it ends. And I changed the subject again. We still spent every moment together that we could... I'd think every moment "tell him you have an answer, to his question. Tell him yes. when he asks why, tell him it's my answer." We still acted like we were together. He'd still say I love you, just out of the blue, and so would I.
But then... I was jealous. I was mad with myself. SOO fucking mad with myself. I pushed him away. We still talked but.. not as much. Not non stop. Not in the same way. I'd tell myself to talk to him... but then I'd think you don't deserve him. He should have someone better.
Then this school year he asked out a girl.. He'd been crushing on her since beginning of summer. On my birthday in the fall, he came over. It made me sad... I miss him. I was jealous of her.
I don't love him. But I really wish I did. I just miss believing in good things. He made me believe in them. And I wish more then anything that he hadn't. I knew the end before it started. I didn't protect myself at all, I should have.
Anyways... Long and not interesting. Sorry. Thanks for reading, if you did. :)
Bye bye.
30.1.10
27.1.10
Life and Death.
Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Today has been interesting.
First, I woke up around 3. Laid in bed trying to sleep but soon gave up. Then I read some of that book, A Million Little Pieces, and someone in it died or something got me thinking about death in my life. I haven't ever really had to deal with death. My dad's dad died when I was 8 or 9 or something. I went to the funeral and I don't remember any of it except see my grandpa dead and seeing my dads mom crying. I never really knew him. I had only met him 2 or 3 times, and I didn't like him. I don't remember why... only that I remember feeling so terrible for dislike someone I didn't know and now wouldn't get the chance. And the most recent dealing with death in my life, is when a year ago, I wanted to commit suicide. And I nearly did, every second of the day I'd be thinking of different ways to do it, even though I already knew how I'd go. But I didn't, because I felt it was going to ruin my family and my friends and even thought I'd be dead and not have to deal with it, I was not going to allow myself to do that. Not a chance, I'm selfish, but not that selfish. Anyways, I was thinking about death and trying to imagine if any of my friends died or family members. Even though it wasn't real it still hurt, and I cannot imagine the pain that would come if someone I knew really died. I wouldn't be able to deal with it.
After that, I emailed my friend whose out of the country. We're calling her Blue. Anyways, she emailed me about a lot, but the majority was about suicide, and to not do it or not let our friend, Duck, either, or anyone else. Then I was thinking even more about death, and how it affects people. Good starts to a day, eh?
Then I was late to school, but when I got there, my teacher for 1st, for an hour and a half, was basically telling us that our generation is the reason of basically all the problems. And yes I don't blame him, we are the cause for a lot of his problems. But not all of them and not each and everyone of us is a contributer. He also was telling us that not one of us thinks about the future and our future and that we will make dumb decisions and regret it later on. I don't doubt that a lot of teens don't think about the future. I do though. I do every single day. I still make dumb decisions though. I don't know.
Anyways, after I went to history and read that book again. Making me think about drugs, alcohol, and a bunch of things that cause and create sadness, shame, disappointment, and all those sorts of things.
Then I went to photography, and we started to watch a really really sad movie. It did not help subdue the thoughts of death on my mind. It was a really terrible movie, it showed some awful things that happen in the world. I usually just pay attention to my life and people in it. I can't think about all the problems of the world... there are too many. Much too many. But it started me thinking that, I don't deserve to live this way while people just as or more deserving live the way they do. I don't and neither do a lot of people. Then the bell rang and I was pretty lost in my thoughts. I went to spanish and basically since I've been thinking about death and things people deserve and just yeah.
Suicide and death and sadness and all these things, seem to be everywhere. It's not good. It reminds me of my past... makes me wonder if I made the right decision to keep my life, I know I did, but part of me doesn't agree. No, don't worry, I'm not going to do anything rash. It would not help anything for anyone.
Try to make the best of life. That's all I can really say...
So... Sorry, kind of long, and not happy or such.
Mmkay, well goodnight. Sleep well, or try.
Today has been interesting.
First, I woke up around 3. Laid in bed trying to sleep but soon gave up. Then I read some of that book, A Million Little Pieces, and someone in it died or something got me thinking about death in my life. I haven't ever really had to deal with death. My dad's dad died when I was 8 or 9 or something. I went to the funeral and I don't remember any of it except see my grandpa dead and seeing my dads mom crying. I never really knew him. I had only met him 2 or 3 times, and I didn't like him. I don't remember why... only that I remember feeling so terrible for dislike someone I didn't know and now wouldn't get the chance. And the most recent dealing with death in my life, is when a year ago, I wanted to commit suicide. And I nearly did, every second of the day I'd be thinking of different ways to do it, even though I already knew how I'd go. But I didn't, because I felt it was going to ruin my family and my friends and even thought I'd be dead and not have to deal with it, I was not going to allow myself to do that. Not a chance, I'm selfish, but not that selfish. Anyways, I was thinking about death and trying to imagine if any of my friends died or family members. Even though it wasn't real it still hurt, and I cannot imagine the pain that would come if someone I knew really died. I wouldn't be able to deal with it.
After that, I emailed my friend whose out of the country. We're calling her Blue. Anyways, she emailed me about a lot, but the majority was about suicide, and to not do it or not let our friend, Duck, either, or anyone else. Then I was thinking even more about death, and how it affects people. Good starts to a day, eh?
Then I was late to school, but when I got there, my teacher for 1st, for an hour and a half, was basically telling us that our generation is the reason of basically all the problems. And yes I don't blame him, we are the cause for a lot of his problems. But not all of them and not each and everyone of us is a contributer. He also was telling us that not one of us thinks about the future and our future and that we will make dumb decisions and regret it later on. I don't doubt that a lot of teens don't think about the future. I do though. I do every single day. I still make dumb decisions though. I don't know.
Anyways, after I went to history and read that book again. Making me think about drugs, alcohol, and a bunch of things that cause and create sadness, shame, disappointment, and all those sorts of things.
Then I went to photography, and we started to watch a really really sad movie. It did not help subdue the thoughts of death on my mind. It was a really terrible movie, it showed some awful things that happen in the world. I usually just pay attention to my life and people in it. I can't think about all the problems of the world... there are too many. Much too many. But it started me thinking that, I don't deserve to live this way while people just as or more deserving live the way they do. I don't and neither do a lot of people. Then the bell rang and I was pretty lost in my thoughts. I went to spanish and basically since I've been thinking about death and things people deserve and just yeah.
Suicide and death and sadness and all these things, seem to be everywhere. It's not good. It reminds me of my past... makes me wonder if I made the right decision to keep my life, I know I did, but part of me doesn't agree. No, don't worry, I'm not going to do anything rash. It would not help anything for anyone.
Try to make the best of life. That's all I can really say...
So... Sorry, kind of long, and not happy or such.
Mmkay, well goodnight. Sleep well, or try.
24.1.10
Mountains. Trees. Snow. Clouds. Cold.
Lovely.
Skiing is always so pretty. I love it. I'm taking my camera with me next time.
Hello. :)
Anyways, today was good. Didn't sleep till like 3 but eh, that's not very abnormal. My friend, lets call her umm Lala, and I went skiing with her adorable little brother. It was gorgeous. Good snow. Not too sunny. Not too cold. Just perfect. My favorite weather to ski in. My brother was up their also, but we only skied one run with him. I just got home about an hour ago.
Other then skiing, not much happened. My friend, we're naming him Duck, kind of disappointed me...but it's not a big deal. It's mostly my fault for being so uptight with things. And they're things I don't really have the right to be annoyed by too. So, I'll let it be, I guess.
There were a few other little things... but I think I'll write about it another day if they don't get better.
On another note, everyone around me seems to be blue. Just like it was before... It affects me poorly, makes me think about things I ought to not. I can normally keep positive thoughts in my head, or at least pretend, as long as people around me are acting happy. I guess in the end, I'm just glad to try and help.
Well, goodbye for today. I may actually keep this... :/ Still deciding.
Hope you have a good evening..
I'm off to do homework. Joy.
Skiing is always so pretty. I love it. I'm taking my camera with me next time.
Hello. :)
Anyways, today was good. Didn't sleep till like 3 but eh, that's not very abnormal. My friend, lets call her umm Lala, and I went skiing with her adorable little brother. It was gorgeous. Good snow. Not too sunny. Not too cold. Just perfect. My favorite weather to ski in. My brother was up their also, but we only skied one run with him. I just got home about an hour ago.
Other then skiing, not much happened. My friend, we're naming him Duck, kind of disappointed me...but it's not a big deal. It's mostly my fault for being so uptight with things. And they're things I don't really have the right to be annoyed by too. So, I'll let it be, I guess.
There were a few other little things... but I think I'll write about it another day if they don't get better.
On another note, everyone around me seems to be blue. Just like it was before... It affects me poorly, makes me think about things I ought to not. I can normally keep positive thoughts in my head, or at least pretend, as long as people around me are acting happy. I guess in the end, I'm just glad to try and help.
Well, goodbye for today. I may actually keep this... :/ Still deciding.
Hope you have a good evening..
I'm off to do homework. Joy.
23.1.10
Wohoo! I have NO life.
Yes, I don't have a life.
Yes, it is a saturday night and I'm home watching my 7 year old brother who has strep and keeps abusing me.
Yes, I don't really have anything much better to do.
Yes, I also suck at blogging.
Alright so it's been like... a week and a half? I'm debating wether or not I'll keep this..
Anyways, today has been pretty boring. I woke up, after like the best sleep of my life. Yesterday night I took some nyquill because I have hardly slept for like 2 weeks. Not that I ever really get more then 4 hours, but I've been getting more like 2 so I decided it was a reasonable choice. Anyways, I woke up and read for like an hour or 3. It's a really good book, A Million Little Pieces, and then I got up because my parents had finally left, they drive me insane, especially lately. Then since then I have been watching Americas Next Top Model (shhh, I know I'm such a loser, haha) and trying to focus on homework, I have gotten very little done. Oh, and I cut my fingers while absentmindedly tearing apart a soda can... Go me! Now I'm sitting in my room eating cookies, it's making me feel sick, but I'm so bored I don't know what else to do.
This week and last week has kind of sucked. My life seems to be going down the same road it went a little over a year ago. Not a good place. Not good at all... So I have been trying to distract myself with petty things and not think about anything but it is not working as well as I'd hoped. I'm just trying to keep my head up!
Tomorrow should be good. I'm going skiing! Only I kind of wish I could stay home and do all my homework. But it's my fault for not doing it today. So I won't complain. This coming week will be okay... School kind of ruins it. But oh well, right?
Well, goodnight, not really but it's night time and such so it works.
Bye!
Yes, it is a saturday night and I'm home watching my 7 year old brother who has strep and keeps abusing me.
Yes, I don't really have anything much better to do.
Yes, I also suck at blogging.
Alright so it's been like... a week and a half? I'm debating wether or not I'll keep this..
Anyways, today has been pretty boring. I woke up, after like the best sleep of my life. Yesterday night I took some nyquill because I have hardly slept for like 2 weeks. Not that I ever really get more then 4 hours, but I've been getting more like 2 so I decided it was a reasonable choice. Anyways, I woke up and read for like an hour or 3. It's a really good book, A Million Little Pieces, and then I got up because my parents had finally left, they drive me insane, especially lately. Then since then I have been watching Americas Next Top Model (shhh, I know I'm such a loser, haha) and trying to focus on homework, I have gotten very little done. Oh, and I cut my fingers while absentmindedly tearing apart a soda can... Go me! Now I'm sitting in my room eating cookies, it's making me feel sick, but I'm so bored I don't know what else to do.
This week and last week has kind of sucked. My life seems to be going down the same road it went a little over a year ago. Not a good place. Not good at all... So I have been trying to distract myself with petty things and not think about anything but it is not working as well as I'd hoped. I'm just trying to keep my head up!
Tomorrow should be good. I'm going skiing! Only I kind of wish I could stay home and do all my homework. But it's my fault for not doing it today. So I won't complain. This coming week will be okay... School kind of ruins it. But oh well, right?
Well, goodnight, not really but it's night time and such so it works.
Bye!
14.1.10
Perhaps a bit of information...?
Hello!
I'm Elsa.
I don't really know what to say about myself, mostly still trying to figure it out. For the time being, I'm a sophomore in high school, I love photography, I... am having issues thinking of more to say. It's much easier to answer questions, than to find the answers to questions that haven't been asked, if you know what I mean... Umm I have two little brothers, and two dogs. My mother is swedish; and my dad's just a mix of it all.
I'm making this blog mostly because a friend told me to, and I think it may be fun.
Anyways, I can't think of anything more to say for today, if you have any questions, ask them, and I shall answer them.
I'm Elsa.
I don't really know what to say about myself, mostly still trying to figure it out. For the time being, I'm a sophomore in high school, I love photography, I... am having issues thinking of more to say. It's much easier to answer questions, than to find the answers to questions that haven't been asked, if you know what I mean... Umm I have two little brothers, and two dogs. My mother is swedish; and my dad's just a mix of it all.
I'm making this blog mostly because a friend told me to, and I think it may be fun.
Anyways, I can't think of anything more to say for today, if you have any questions, ask them, and I shall answer them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)