Dear Nobody...

Hello,
So I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Yes, you. I'm going to call you Circles, because you make my mind run in them, there is no end and no solution.
Circles is a friend. We used to be very very close, he knew basically every thought of mine, and I knew his. When we first met in person, I was nervous and giggly and didn't hardly talk. We'd been texting for about a week then, because of a friend, Neon is what we shall call her. Neon one day told me to text Circles, so I did. We didn't stop texting, for months. It was a constant interaction. Pretty soon I learned he was hung up on a girl who he was dating off and on. My friend Neon was super jealous of her and HATED her sooo much. Then after I had met him almost everyday during lunch for like 2 months, (we had school close to eachother and lunch at the same time) we were texting late, I couldn't sleep. And he said something like "I think I may love you, but not be in love with you..." and I didn't really know what to say, I liked him a little but it was weird because Neon and that other girl. I didn't reply. In the morning I avoided the subject said "Hey, sorry I fell asleep."
Not much later, Neon wanted us three to hang out. Apparently he'd been talking about me to her. I was nervous but I wanted to. So we arranged it. It was some time in the spring and like 10 minutes before I got to our meeting place Neon texted me and said she couldn't go. I was texting Circles and we decided to hang out anyways. From then on we hung out every weekend.
Then over the summer I left the country for 6 weeks. I was so sad to leave him. By then I liked him. I liked him a lot. Even though he was still a little hung up on that girl. I was worried they'd get back together. Really worried. When I got back we still talked. But I could tell he'd started to like her again. Then when fall came around we were back to hanging out every weekend. By November every chance we got we were together, and I had finally met the other girl. He paid more attention to me. He actually hardly paid attention to her. I talked to her more even. Then it was his birthday in December but I had plans already. I saw him anyways. For a moment. We were at the same place. He said seeing me was the best part of the night.
About a week later, he asked me out. I wanted to say yes more than anything. I didn't know if he was serious, deep down I knew he meant it, but I couldn't believe my hopes would come so easily. So I didn't answer. He asked again a few days later. But I'm cynical. I thought, it'll hurt when it ends. And I changed the subject again. We still spent every moment together that we could... I'd think every moment "tell him you have an answer, to his question. Tell him yes. when he asks why, tell him it's my answer." We still acted like we were together. He'd still say I love you, just out of the blue, and so would I.
But then... I was jealous. I was mad with myself. SOO fucking mad with myself. I pushed him away. We still talked but.. not as much. Not non stop. Not in the same way. I'd tell myself to talk to him... but then I'd think you don't deserve him. He should have someone better.
Then this school year he asked out a girl.. He'd been crushing on her since beginning of summer. On my birthday in the fall, he came over. It made me sad... I miss him. I was jealous of her.
I don't love him. But I really wish I did. I just miss believing in good things. He made me believe in them. And I wish more then anything that he hadn't. I knew the end before it started. I didn't protect myself at all, I should have.

Anyways... Long and not interesting. Sorry. Thanks for reading, if you did. :)
Bye bye.