Life and Death.

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Today has been interesting.
First, I woke up around 3. Laid in bed trying to sleep but soon gave up. Then I read some of that book, A Million Little Pieces, and someone in it died or something got me thinking about death in my life. I haven't ever really had to deal with death. My dad's dad died when I was 8 or 9 or something. I went to the funeral and I don't remember any of it except see my grandpa dead and seeing my dads mom crying. I never really knew him. I had only met him 2 or 3 times, and I didn't like him. I don't remember why... only that I remember feeling so terrible for dislike someone I didn't know and now wouldn't get the chance. And the most recent dealing with death in my life, is when a year ago, I wanted to commit suicide. And I nearly did, every second of the day I'd be thinking of different ways to do it, even though I already knew how I'd go. But I didn't, because I felt it was going to ruin my family and my friends and even thought I'd be dead and not have to deal with it, I was not going to allow myself to do that. Not a chance, I'm selfish, but not that selfish. Anyways, I was thinking about death and trying to imagine if any of my friends died or family members. Even though it wasn't real it still hurt, and I cannot imagine the pain that would come if someone I knew really died. I wouldn't be able to deal with it.
After that, I emailed my friend whose out of the country. We're calling her Blue. Anyways, she emailed me about a lot, but the majority was about suicide, and to not do it or not let our friend, Duck, either, or anyone else. Then I was thinking even more about death, and how it affects people. Good starts to a day, eh?
Then I was late to school, but when I got there, my teacher for 1st, for an hour and a half, was basically telling us that our generation is the reason of basically all the problems. And yes I don't blame him, we are the cause for a lot of his problems. But not all of them and not each and everyone of us is a contributer. He also was telling us that not one of us thinks about the future and our future and that we will make dumb decisions and regret it later on. I don't doubt that a lot of teens don't think about the future. I do though. I do every single day. I still make dumb decisions though. I don't know.
Anyways, after I went to history and read that book again. Making me think about drugs, alcohol, and a bunch of things that cause and create sadness, shame, disappointment, and all those sorts of things.
Then I went to photography, and we started to watch a really really sad movie. It did not help subdue the thoughts of death on my mind. It was a really terrible movie, it showed some awful things that happen in the world. I usually just pay attention to my life and people in it. I can't think about all the problems of the world... there are too many. Much too many. But it started me thinking that, I don't deserve to live this way while people just as or more deserving live the way they do. I don't and neither do a lot of people. Then the bell rang and I was pretty lost in my thoughts. I went to spanish and basically since I've been thinking about death and things people deserve and just yeah.

Suicide and death and sadness and all these things, seem to be everywhere. It's not good. It reminds me of my past... makes me wonder if I made the right decision to keep my life, I know I did, but part of me doesn't agree. No, don't worry, I'm not going to do anything rash. It would not help anything for anyone.
Try to make the best of life. That's all I can really say...

So... Sorry, kind of long, and not happy or such.
Mmkay, well goodnight. Sleep well, or try.