Selfish little world...

So... I hate mixed feelings. Like, happy about something and also quite not about something else.

I hate being unhappy. It's such a selfish thing. It makes me feel so selfish, and pathetic, and stupid. Which just makes it worse. Haha...
I don't even want to admit it.
Because the moment I do, I also admit that I'm this person I never wanted to be.
This person I will never accept.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Anything else is unacceptable.

But then again, I don't want to be happy either.
I can be content, not happy though...
Happy is... ignorant, and selfish.
Happy is all good, but nothing is ever all good.
Nothing is ever perfect though.
Somewhere something will be terribly wrong. And even if it has nothing to do with me, or I have nothing to do with it, it's still there. It still makes me feel selfish.
How is it okay for me to be happy while someone out there is dying of pain? Even if they could care less about me, and it makes absolutely no difference how I feel, it still makes me feel selfish.
But even that is selfish. Everything I can think of is selfish.
What I wish I could be, is not possible.
Not for anyone.
To want it, is selfish.

All my little thoughts, they are such a waste of time.
Such a goddamn waste of time.
Why can't I just turn them off, and let it all go, and just live.
Not worry if it's okay, if it's the best thing, not worry about anything.
But it doesn't work like that.
It never works like that....

Just thinking like this is so goddamn selfish.
To think it all even matters, is so selfish.

It's selfish, that I can't find a solution.
It's selfish of me, that I can't find a balance.
It's selfish that I can't just say okay, and let it be that way.

Well... I don't know.
I don't mean to depress you.
Not at all.
So I guess I shouldn't say this all.
But, it doesn't matter, does it?
Nothing matters, what matters?

I just don't know.

I'm actually pretty okay right now. Even if it seems otherwise.
So yeah.
Good morning. :)
Spread the smiles, keep looking up, but don't forget what's below.