... is a lot of blood and yucky insides.
Hello!
I'm FINALLY caught up in chemistry. Not my grade... but I have all the assignments in! :) I'm up to a C- so... not good but she still hasn't graded it all so, yeah. :) I'm still behind in like 4 other classes though... haha I was a good student... I've just been distracted lately...
What else? I'm excited for the coming weeks. Tomorrow I'm gonna be with my *best* friend! :) Thursday I think I'm going shopping. Saturday I'm going to my best friends show! Sunday, a few people are sleeping over. :) No school monday! Weekend after staying with the best friend. Parents are out of town. :) Ha awesomeness.
Today was good. I'm becoming better friends with this girl each day. We hung out today. Mostly just discussed controversial things and our families. We agree on almost everything. :) Which is weird because people never agree when I voice my opinions!
Hmm.. I hate trust. It's such a stupid thing. It's childish. Well... it makes me feel childish. :/
I don't want to trust people. But I should. But I don't. But I keep telling people things, as if I want to hurt. I want to hurt myself. Why? I don't know. I'm lost. There must be some selfish reason behind this want. Help me come up with one. So I can feel bad and pity myself? Why would I want to pity myself though? I don't know. Reason. I'm lacking one. Reason is what I base my life on. Yet I lack it. Everyday. What is this? I must be insane. No other explanation really makes sense.
I don't want to care. Caring hurts. Truly not caring hurts everyone else though. Pretending hurts too though I guess.
I spoke to my mother. I do daily, but I actually like talked to her. I don't like to. My parents analyze me too much. They worry too much. I should be glad they don't neglect me, right? I'm not a very good daughter. I hate that they worry about me. I'm fine. If I need help, I will get it. It won't be from them though... And I'm sorry for that, but they would never let it be. Any hint of secrets and they won't leave it alone... So I just don't talk to them about anything. "Hello", "Bye", "Yes", "No", "I dunno", and "Yes I have my phone", is about all I ever say to them. Should I say more?
I'm angry with myself.
For drinking.
For other things.
For not knowing what to do.
For not knowing what is right.
For not being a better person.
For being so ridiculous.
For not being a good daughter.
For not being a good sister.
For not being nice enough.
For being so self centered.
For not focusing enough on school and homework.
For being annoying.
For not being brave enough.
For not listening.
For being mad.
For this.
For a lot of things.
For all things.
And I'm sorry.
I'm being dumb. And I'm sorry.
I'm trying... But I guess... Not enough...
Gut Abend! (Good Evening in german... I think)
Spread The Smiles. :D
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