Distant.

That's what I am. I'm distant. From basically all people. When I'm not, it won't last. My best friend and I, are very distant. That's the only reason it lasts. I scare to easily. When people start to know a lot about me, when I start to trust them, I run. I run, and push them away. They won't accept me. I can't accept me either, I don't blame them.

Heyyyyyy.

I'm distant. I wish I could distance me from myself. I try. I try and lie to myself. Trick myself. Anything to get away.

Mmmkay. So basically, I hate drugs. I hate what they do to people. I hate it. I hate how they indirectly effect people. And how they directly effect them. Actually, I don't care if i meet you and you already do drugs, but it bothers me when I know you and then you start. Then you change. But I guess, I'm just being selfish. If it makes you happy, you should be happy. But it makes me feel like I've failed. And everyone you know has failed also. But I guess that is just another fault of mine.

Today was okay. In PE I almost got yelled at for sitting down. I was told to "learn how to take an F like a man.... or a woman." My PE teacher is a jackass. Not because of that, he just is. Ha. Then in 2nd, I saw my best friend. She left after like 20 minutes to go to the counseling office. The kids funeral is tonight... In third I left to go find her. She looked happy. I guess... Then after 4th I went to go find her. Give her a hug before the funeral. Not that it really helps... but I'm clueless as to what could even help. I told her she looked cute, she did. She was just like "That really doesn't matter." I know it doesn't... but... Idk. She told me she never wanted me to feel like that. And no, I haven't ever known someone who committed suicide, but I have wanted to kill myself. I knew it would hurt people. That's really the only reason I couldn't. I tried so hard to make myself not care. I just didn't want to live. I didn't want to have the pain of the future. It didn't matter that there would be good as well. I couldn't do that to everyone though. I sometimes wish no one cared. Am I terrible for that? I think so.... Anyways... I just want her to be better. But she even said "The missing him won't get any better with time. He will still be gone." It will... It has to. Will it? It must... It will always hurt for her, I know. But it won't hurt as much. She doesn't think so though... I don't know what I'm saying... I just don't know. This kid knew everyone. He was cute. He was young. He was a lot of things. It's really quite terrible, and I didn't even know him.
I want to pretend it never happened. That everything is okay. Like I always do. Every time. But now, I can't. I can't pretend. I'm not in control, the people who knew him are. And I don't expect them to pretend. People can't just pretend things like that didn't happen... The proof is there. Everyday. It won't just disappear....

Kay I'm done with that... I don't know what I'm saying.

Don't be stupid. Please... Or do. If it makes you happy.
Do anything. If it makes you happy.
If it hurts me, that is alright. I will be okay.
I want you to be happy.
Whatever it takes.
As long as you don't hurt others.

To no one, to everyone, to anyone, to myself. (Mostly the first.)
Ha, you may think I'm absurd.
If you listen, or if you care. (I'm crazy though.)
I want to tell you, to not do those things. Those things you want to do. But my wants, and my opinions aren't important. There are so many other people. Ask them what they think. They might agree. I don't. So you don't need mine. It won't make you feel any better. Do those things you like. I'm sure you'll be fine. I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm sure it doesn't matter though if neither of us are. But it's too late now. So do whatever you will. The end doesn't matter, it will always be the same, and you can't change it. So you might as well do whatever you can, no matter the consequences, you know the ending already.
The end.

Tomorrow, I'm staying with Sunshine. I am with a friend right now. She is watching a movie. :) ha I'm secretly writing this.

Kay... Goodbye.
Sleep well, or whatever you will do.
Have fun.
Don't be stupid.
Love.
Live.
Be happy.
Spread the smiles.