Circles.

Yes... I'm going to talk about him... again. First I will go over my day though. :)

Hello!
So I drove to school today. I drove home too!
:) I'm getting better and better.
In 1st my friend lets call her Sunshine, said she saw my best friend looked really sad. She texted her and found out one of her friends had died. I hadn't seen her since saturday and she was very happy and said it was one of the best nights of her life. In 2nd, I have that class with my best friend, I walked in and she was just standing by the window like she was lost in another world. A world full of nothing but dark gloom, not connected to this one at all. I knew a friend had died, but I had never heard her talk of him, I knew she'd be sad but not that sad. She didn't say anything for the first half hour at least. Just stared at nothing. It was heart breaking, she looked so sad and I didn't understand why. Then finally she says, "Do you know what happened?" and I was like, "Well... Sunshine told me part of it." And then she says, "His parents were out of town and he took his dads gun..." then displayed with her hands a gun under her chin. She then said "I ate lunch with him, he sat right next to me. He was in the show. He was so happy... I saw him...not even an hour before." It was so sad. I didn't know what to say. I would have been crying. It was so sad... Well... then the rest of school was pretty lame. After school Sunshine and I hung out. It was fun. She is good to talk to. About all things really. :)

Okay. Circles. :) ha maybe not.
I should have said yes. But I didn't. He was a good kid. I miss him. I wish I hadn't pushed him away.
About a month after he asked me out, he started going out with this other girl.
He still liked me though. He always turned her down to hang out with me. Then they broke up a little later. We were back to normal, not that it really changed when they were together, I just felt bad about cuddling with him or such.
Soon after, I started to push him away.
At the time, I felt like he was the one pushing, but now I realized when I read the conversations, I was the one pushing. It was hurting him. At the time I thought he was hurting because his current girlfriend didn't like him. When I read the conversations though, that was not the only reason. I was pushing. I was scared of being hurt. I could tell he was falling for this girl. I ignored that fact that he still liked me also.
Now my friend Duck, wants me to tell him I used to like him. I know he knows, or I am quite sure he knows. Maybe not though, I hide those things pretty well.
I miss it all.
I miss feeling *love.*
I miss being out late, sneaking in.
I miss his wonderful hugs.
I miss being with him.
Hearing what he had to say.
Arguing with him.
Laughing with him.
Being in his arms.
Watching sports, even though I hate it.
Making fun of him.
Him making fun of me.
His stories, and telling him stories.
I miss it all.
Him always being hungry.
And always wanting a hug.
But I need to get over it. I didn't fight for him when I should have. I gave up. I gave up when I thought there might even be a slight chance of loosing. You can't lose when you give up right? You can. You do lose. You just lose to yourself rather than to someone else...

Okay. Well... I'm done. Ask questions if you have them. Don't worry about if they might be sensitive or something, I'll be fine. haha
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles. :D