Control.

Try to fix.
Fail.

Hello....
:)

Today in english, we had to do this writing exercise.
We had to write words, nothing more, just one word per line, about our lifetime. We couldn't stop to think just write any word that came to mind.
I realized how self-concise I am. Even though no one had to see the list, I would not allow myself to write down many of the words that came to mind. Even if many of the words were not even bad, I just am terrified of people knowing what I think. Or something.
I'm scared of people analyzing me like I analyze people.
I'm scared of what they will find.
There isn't anything really I guess. I don't even know I guess.
I'm so scared....

What else....
So I can't breath. :(
It's been incredibly windy all week, and because people are stupid and like to tear down mountains and make piles of dirt, all that dirt has blown into the sky.
There is SOO much dust in the air.
It hurts my eyes.
And every 3 minutes I cough.
It's ridiculous.

Also.
I have decided that if people are going to drink and smoke,
it's okay.
If it's rare. And if it doesn't change the person.
So many people start that kind of stuff saying, "oh it'll be a few times a year..."
And it's not true.
Then it starts to be monthly,
weekly,
and eventually daily.
And by then the person they were, is gone and they only want to smoke and drink and try new things.
I miss my friends.... :/
And I know, I don't have much right to say it...
Tell me please if you think I'm changing..

I have been debating a lot in my head about alcohol and other substances.
And I think it's okay once in a while. Well drinking and pot/such. Not like acid or worse.
But drinking once or twice every few months is alright, same for smoking.
It just bothers me and makes me sad when it causes people to change and not care about much other then being drunk or high.
:(
Yes... I'm being a total hypocrite with the drinking.
I drink more than I think is okay.
And it's scaring me. And so I have been staying away from it because of that.

Alrighty!
So... People suck.
There is this girl who thinks I hate her.
I don't. I don't know her.
There are a few things I think were stupid and mean,
But I only know one side of the story,
and besides I don't judge on a few little things before I get to know someone.
But when ever I see her, I'm so self-concise.
I don't want her to think I hate her.
But I don't want her to think I'm trying to be extra nice because I hate her.
Idk... I'm just weird...

Hmmm. :/
I feel like crap.
But it's my fault and I shouldn't complain about it.

Ha I have these non stop wars in my mind.
Is that selfish?
Is that reasonable?
Can I do this?
Is this a bad thing to do?
What is right?
Times a billion. Haha..

I fail all my tests of being a good/worthy person.

So... even though this is getting long, I feel like boring you to death.
:D

So. I dislike when people have the inability to try to understand others. Or at least just even if they don't understand it just let it go...

Or when they think they are so right... When they aren't.

Okay.... So I suddenly lost my want to write.
People are making me sad....
Making me feel selfish for thinking these selfish thoughts.
I must go beat myself back into the ground. :)
haha

Goooooodbye.
I bet you guys all care a lot about what I write. hahaha
Not really.
Spread the smiles. :)
Don't breath this city's air today or yesterday and probably tomorrow. OKAY? okay.

I chase after fairy tales.

And each time I fail.

Hello.

I wish someone could see the truth about me.
About why I do such things.
Why I think the way I do.
Why I am so far from perfect.
And not hate me, or feel bad.
Someone who could see how sensitive I am, but also how I'm not at all.

But that's a fairy tale, and fairy tales only occur on paper.

I'm just a little kid with a big dream,
about to be crushed.
With all these hopes running lose,
about to be lost for the rest of a lifetime.
With such a free spirit and mind,
about to be controlled.
With a good and kind heart,
about to be cold and mean.
With innocence,
about to be lost.

Okay so I'm gonna tell you all what I've been up to lately. :) haha
Nothing interesting.
End of term was friday... :( those grades will need to be hidden... I still feel unaccomplished though. :/
Then friday also was my "thanks giving" :D it was super fun and me and a few friends had a really good conversation about religion, abortion, over-population, suicide, gay rights, and stuff like that. :D
Then saturday was also good! I woke up early and read for like 2 or 3 hours.
Then a friend called and asked if I could come and help her set up for her picnic party later. So I went down there and it was fun. Then her friends and stuff arrived and we went and had a picnic. :D
And after I was driving home with my dad (cuz I only have a permit) and so I was making a left hand turn and I had started to pull out like I was supposed to and the light changed and some guy started to go while I was turning and I had to slam on my brakes in the middle of the intersection. WTF. Stupid man. He made me so scared. God. My dad was annoyed with him. Hahaha I was just scared.
Anyways then Sunshine wanted to go on a walk and so I was like "ohhh you should come sleepover and we can go on a walk in the evening." And she agreed. So we went on a walk and it was a creepy trail and we were gone for like 2 hours. And we went bush whacking down a super steep hill and through a creek. :D hahah... yeah. It was a good adventure.
And then her ex called her like 15 times (I'm not exaggerating. Not one bit... haha). Because she was supposed to sleepover with her and one of their friends. And they were going to drink and do tattoo's and smoke and Sunshine didn't want to with them.
Then later we went out and sat on my front porch in the middle of the night. :)
Good saturday.
Then today I just gotta do homework. But I may go on a walk or something with Sunshine later. :D

Ha so more about the title.
I chase after fairy tales.
I do I do I do.
And I fail every single time.
And every time I know I will fail also.
All the things I want, I know are unrealistic and silly.
I set myself up to fall.
:/

Idk.

I'm so judgmental.
The people that I used to be like,
I see as so dumb and annoying.
And I try to make it go away by seeing them as I was,
But I HATED myself then.
I really hated who I was, when I was like that.
I still hate who I am.
Like when I acted the way some people do now,
I had reasons, and I thought they were good reason,
And they were,
Except it was all my fault.
All of it. I took the circumstances and made myself utterly miserable.
I still do it too.
I'm scared of falling back into the self loathing cycle that I cannot end without killing who I am and what I love, without major sacrifices. I'm terrified.
Okay... I dunno. I just think people suck. UGH. hahah I'm such a terrible person. I should probably work on that....

I hate seeing people upset...
My best friend since her friend killed himself and since our friend tried...
She's been sad. And it's understandable...
I just hate it.
It's terrible.
It's SO horrible..
I don't think she'll just get over it.
She'll pretend... But I bet he randomly pops into her mind and it breaks her heart....
Suicide is an awful thing.
I understand so much better how those who try and those who have feel, compared to those whose friends died.
And I wish sometimes that my best friend knew.... So that we could speak about it.
But I could never tell. I could not say it.

Alright.. I don't know what I'm saying any more. So bye bye.
Spread the smiles. :D

The bad guy.

I feel like the bad guy again.

I let my issues get in the way.

I'm the one with the problem.

I'm the one making mistakes.

I feel so disappointed.

I don't have the right to.

I'm not fucking good enough.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not even acceptable.

I can't do this again.

I'm insecure.

I don't like to talk about things.

I don't make any sense.

I'm insane.

I'm self-centered.

I'll never live up to your expectations.

I can't live up to my own.

I can't do this.

Leave.
Run.
Give up.

I said you would, everyone does.

I can't expect more.

I'm so god damn stupid.

I'm cold and mean.

I am the bad guy.
I'm sorry.
I told you.
I'm sorry I made an exception in my rules.

I'm sorry that I am so sensitive.
I bet it annoys you as much as it does me. Maybe even more.

I'm sorry I don't want to talk about my faults.
I'm sorry I can't lie.
I'm sorry I am this way.
I'm sorry I don't know how to change.
I'm sorry... I'm not enough.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I knew I wasn't enough. I didn't warn you. I'm sorry.


I don't feel very good.
I'm sick.
I'm disappointed in myself.
And scared.
And overwhelmed.
And I just want to be good enough.
At everything. Every little thing. And I can't. And I knew that.
But since I can't do that I want to meet up to your expectations.
I should be able to do that.

Goodbye. I don't know.
Spread the smiles, eh.
ha sorry for such a lame post.
Probably shouldn't have wasted your time reading that...

Sometimes we find ourselves in some horrible imaginary world, sometimes it's not so horrible.

Heya.

Back when I was not really alright,
I used to believe I would never get out of the hopeless and helpless feelings I had.
Leading to and helping me believe that I was utterly worthless.
I thought I could not and would not ever shake off those feelings that surrounded me.
But I didn't think I deserved to feel any different either.
I thought that once a person reaches a certain point, they can not recover.
And I still do think so. You cannot recover from death. And some things as such.
But these are all somewhat abstract things. So I don't really know. Can someone hurt themselves so much, without reason, that they cannot recover?
Yeah... They can. I guess.
Anyways, I thought I was stuck. Forever. Till I would end up killing myself.
I thought people only could get out of such an emotional mess, if they lived in some kind of story, or got beaten on the head in such a way that they would no longer have the ability to think, or if they were to die.

Now I wonder if I have proven myself wrong.
Or if I have just been stuck... in some kind of story, so to speak.

Yes, I am happier.
But kind of in a sad way...
I have lost the sense of helplessness.
But I feel as if there are people in much more need, (and there are, quite a few, quite a lot) and so I should help myself. And I should be able to. I'm not in any kind of need of help compared to many.
And I have not lost the sense of hopelessness, but I have decided to deal with it. For the better. I don't want to be constantly disappointed when my hopes turn out another way.
And as for the worthlessness, I feel is rather unimportant. I am insignificant. Very insignificant. But I know that drastic actions would effect people. And as I've said before, I don't think it's my place to make another feel bad or mad or sad or whatever, and so such actions cannot be done.
So I am happier.
And I don't want to die like I had. I do enjoy life, although I don't think death would be so bad either.
Ha I don't know. I may totally insane.

I still feel as if it is a temporary high.
As if I will fall back to my previous state.
And if that is the case, I'll be sure to hide it best I can, like I did before.

Ha soo... Anyways.
I went to school today.
But I sound funny. :/ haha
Oh well.

Oh. I might have 2 A's this term. :)
It so sad. hahah that I'm smiling about 2 A's...
Oh well. I'm not really okay with my pretty much straight B's but I'll live.
My mother I'm more worried about though... She's going to freak...

Uhm.. Anything else?
I have like 30 books in my room. That I want to read.
And a list of like 100 more.
And each day the list grows...
hahah I don't have time to read them all.

Okay. Ha I'm done rambling. Goooooooodnight.
Spread the smiles. :D
Try to not be so negative. It does bad things to the people around you. And yeah... I'm aware that I'm being hypocritical. Sorry!
Be happy!
Make others happy!
Smile!
Live!
Laugh!
Discover!
Idk... hahah
Spread the smiles. Again and again and again and AGAIN. :D
:D

Failure.

Is all I can accomplish.

Hello.

Idk.
I stayed home sick today.
I should have done all my homework I'm behind on.
I didn't. Only a little.
I wasted the day.
I am sick. But not so sick I couldn't have done all the stuff I needed to.

Oh well.

I hate regret.
I hate when my mistakes are staring me right in the face.
Every single day.
Every single god damn day.
I'm still trying to forgive myself.
Why the fuck should I though?
So I can feel better about myself?
I feel good enough about myself.
I don't need to feel any better about myself.

Ha I realized I never really talk about anything outside of my little world.
Or only about things that aren't exactly real? Like abstract ideas? Or something. I dunno. Haha I don't make sense.

The past effects us all.
It's changed me from
happy
life-loving
people-loving
adventurous
outgoing

Into,
pessimistic
life-hating
suicidal
self-hating
people-hating
cautious
anti-social

and then again into a,
cautious
shy
curious
self-critical
semi-adventurous
impulsive
doubtful
person.
And more. haha

I don't know why.
Somethings stay, some change. Some leave, and then come back.
Idk.

This is a terrible post... haha sorry. for wasting your time and such.... :D

I'm an idiot.
I just need to be heartless.
I am heartless.
Heartless and selfish.
I am.
Keep telling me that.

I have been speaking with Circles more lately.
Our communication had nearly ended.
I don't feel myself falling for him though.
I would if I could go back in time.
But now I have given up hope. And willingness to try.
It may seem like I'm not over him.
I am. I'm over him.
I'm not over my stupidity. And the possible happiness I push away.
But I am over him.
:)

So... I'm going to stop my rambling... Cuz I'm sure it's boring you to death.

SPREAD THE SMILES.

:D
:D
:D
3 is my favorite number.
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
As is 7.

Goodbye.
Bye.
Adios.
Hej-da.
Tschus.
Hasta luego.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Turn the lights on. Hide in the shadows.

Hiya.

So... Friday at Sunshine's was super fun.
First we went on a walk/hike/adventure/thing. Super fun. It started snowing and we were on some little dirt trail next to a little creek. Finally we made it out of the tree's and bushes and found a road. Then we just kinda ran around and explored and chased snowflakes. :D hahaha it was fun. Then Around 9 we decided to go fly a kite. ha we looked like idiots cuz there was no wind. But it was definitely fun. Then we were just talking till like 1 or so. She said something like "you seemed to be a lot darker last year."
Yes I was. I was way darker.
She asked if it was true.
I didn't really want to answer. So I kind of just said perhaps.
She can figure it out with that. haha
I dunno why I didn't want to admit it.
I think about it all the time though.
I was soooo much worse last year. I was really not okay.
I suppose it mostly ended after I gave up hope with Circles.
Which you'd think it'd get worse.
But I guess I've just been denying it till recently. When I can think about it without tearing myself apart.
When I used to think about him and us, I'd feel so lost and broken and stupid and worthless. And I would hurt myself with words and such...
And now I can think about it all without making myself feel really awful.
I've just kind of been in a dream state for a year. I'm terrified of waking up. Scared of living and hurting.
Scared of hoping.
Wanting.
Feeling.
So I stay in this sort of state that seems unreal.
So I can let everything go by.
So I can let it be as I wish.
I live a world inside my head.
So I can lock myself up, and not infect the world. The already infected world.
I'm scared that I've lost myself. That I'll just break one day, and that'll be the end.

I have always been kind of unhappy. It reached it's highest about a year ago. Or two.
As far back as I can remember really well I've been not exactly happy.
And I see it as such a waste of time.
I've wasted so much time.

But a year ago... I was a mess.
I was desperately trying to hide it.
But it was not an easy thing for me.
There were weeks when I didn't want to do anything. When I couldn't feel like I could stand up and walk on my own.
Nearly every night I would cry and cry till 2 or 3 in the morning.
I sit there and just think about what a waste of life I was.
I'd try and see how much self hatred I could take.
And all the while, I knew it was a waste of time. I knew it was pathetic and quite stupid.
But I just could not stop.
I could not forgive myself.
I focused on every little detail that I fucked up.
And honestly, it was selfish. I spent all that time thinking and hating myself, when I had friends who needed a friend. And I wasn't there.

Well... Yep. haha I don't know if that all makes sense.
Ask if something is unclear... haha

So Goodbye. I must tend to the homework pile next to me.
Let's try to focus on something wonderful.
Instead of burying ourselves with unwanted issues.
Spread the smiles, my friends. :D

I am just alive.

Sorry I have been gone for a while. I guess I have just been busy or something.

Anyways, Hello.
:)

I will probably not post all weekend either. Ha I have busy social life lately. :/ haha It's a little annoying I guess.
So last time I posted was... almost a week ago I think. IDK.

Friday night I stayed at Sunshines's.
Saturday I just kind of thought about stuff all morning. In the evening my mom threw a party. Also while I was just wasting time thinking, I decided I was going to not drink for a while. And I actually have a really good reason, so I will be true to my word.
Sunday I did homework? I think.
Monday I think was doing homework.
Tuesday I went dress shopping after school. :) and hung with a friend. And then slept over.
Today I went home after school and napped. hahah
Tomorrow I'm hanging with Sunshine.
Friday I'm sleeping over there.
Saturday I'm sleeping over at my best friends.
Sunday HOMEWORK. haha

:) Fun fun.
My grades are not so lovely as I wish... But oh well.

So I love people sometimes.
Just the little stupid things that don't even matter, they are the best.
I'll post more about this later.

People are so harmful to themselves.
At least I am to myself. And some of my friends are.
I refuse to let myself be happy if I think it will last. Or if I catch myself thinking I'm happy.
The second I think that, I tell myself STOP. RIGHT NOW. This is not allowed. This is a waste of time. You don't deserve it.

But, I don't think I'm unhappy. No. No I'm not.
I have been unhappy. I'm much better now.
Now I just don't care to define what I am.
I am alive. I am here. It doesn't matter much more than that. Thats all that can be noticed by other people at least. Why should I go around thinking I'm sad? Or happy? Or whatever? It does nothing. You may think I'm making it up and that I really do think about it and care to define it. But I don't. And even if I did, my definition of happy or sad, may differ from yours. If that makes sense.
I am alive. I am here.
If I were dead, I would be dead, nothing more.
If I weren't here, I would be somewhere else. But it makes no difference.
Really.
If this all makes sense.
I'm not really happy, but I am not sad either.
That's all that matters to me.

I'm fragile.
Very much so.
But I try really hard to hide it.
I don't want people to be careful.
I don't want people to try to help.
I just want to be able to do it all on my own.
I need to. To not feel like a burden.
I know it helps people to help others... But there are plenty of other people who need help. I don't need it.
I need to be able to get along on my own, so I don't have to feel like a negative part of peoples lives near by.

I dislike how when you stick up for someone for one thing, how they all of a sudden think you agree with everything they do/think/say.

I like to tear things apart. Study them and analyze them. And yes, often my conclusions are deeply flawed. But no one has to know. Its just what I do in my head. No one has to know.
I tear things to shreds in my mind. Find new things each day.
But can you trust all the little things that happen? Are some insignificant?
I think so. So I don't trust what I think. But insignificant things can be significant to and insignificant thing. In which case I still find them intriguing.
:) ha idlk.

Goodnight!
SPREAD THE SMILES :D
I love it when you do.