Yes... I'm going to talk about him... again. First I will go over my day though. :)
Hello!
So I drove to school today. I drove home too!
:) I'm getting better and better.
In 1st my friend lets call her Sunshine, said she saw my best friend looked really sad. She texted her and found out one of her friends had died. I hadn't seen her since saturday and she was very happy and said it was one of the best nights of her life. In 2nd, I have that class with my best friend, I walked in and she was just standing by the window like she was lost in another world. A world full of nothing but dark gloom, not connected to this one at all. I knew a friend had died, but I had never heard her talk of him, I knew she'd be sad but not that sad. She didn't say anything for the first half hour at least. Just stared at nothing. It was heart breaking, she looked so sad and I didn't understand why. Then finally she says, "Do you know what happened?" and I was like, "Well... Sunshine told me part of it." And then she says, "His parents were out of town and he took his dads gun..." then displayed with her hands a gun under her chin. She then said "I ate lunch with him, he sat right next to me. He was in the show. He was so happy... I saw him...not even an hour before." It was so sad. I didn't know what to say. I would have been crying. It was so sad... Well... then the rest of school was pretty lame. After school Sunshine and I hung out. It was fun. She is good to talk to. About all things really. :)
Okay. Circles. :) ha maybe not.
I should have said yes. But I didn't. He was a good kid. I miss him. I wish I hadn't pushed him away.
About a month after he asked me out, he started going out with this other girl.
He still liked me though. He always turned her down to hang out with me. Then they broke up a little later. We were back to normal, not that it really changed when they were together, I just felt bad about cuddling with him or such.
Soon after, I started to push him away.
At the time, I felt like he was the one pushing, but now I realized when I read the conversations, I was the one pushing. It was hurting him. At the time I thought he was hurting because his current girlfriend didn't like him. When I read the conversations though, that was not the only reason. I was pushing. I was scared of being hurt. I could tell he was falling for this girl. I ignored that fact that he still liked me also.
Now my friend Duck, wants me to tell him I used to like him. I know he knows, or I am quite sure he knows. Maybe not though, I hide those things pretty well.
I miss it all.
I miss feeling *love.*
I miss being out late, sneaking in.
I miss his wonderful hugs.
I miss being with him.
Hearing what he had to say.
Arguing with him.
Laughing with him.
Being in his arms.
Watching sports, even though I hate it.
Making fun of him.
Him making fun of me.
His stories, and telling him stories.
I miss it all.
Him always being hungry.
And always wanting a hug.
But I need to get over it. I didn't fight for him when I should have. I gave up. I gave up when I thought there might even be a slight chance of loosing. You can't lose when you give up right? You can. You do lose. You just lose to yourself rather than to someone else...
Okay. Well... I'm done. Ask questions if you have them. Don't worry about if they might be sensitive or something, I'll be fine. haha
Goodnight.
Spread the smiles. :D
16.2.10
15.2.10
Bad Habits.
I have quite a few.
Hello. :)
So one of my bad habits is drinking. I do it for two reasons.
To numb feelings.
For fun.
My best friend, is okay with drinking, but only if it's a little. And my other close friends are mostly against it. But like 70% of the people I know drink a lot. Soo... I don't know. I'm like my best friend, I don't mind if you do it a little, but it bothers me if you drink a lot and get drunk often. Though, I can't really say that because I drink more then I'm okay with. Not lately though. :) Well, I need to keep it this way.
Another bad habit is I tend to focus on all the bad things. I do it because, the bad things need to be fixed and the good doesn't need attention, it is already fixed.
I also push people away.
When I think they will hurt me.
When they get close.
When they start to back away even the slightest bit.
If I make a mistake, so they won't know.
When I think they deserve someone better then me in their life.
I know it's bad. I should fight to keep people. But I'm so scared. And I know it's selfish. To push people away because I'm scared. I am quite selfish though. I'm working on it. I know, I should fight or at least try to fight to keep people. But...I wish someone would fight for me. And I guess they do. But I wish someone would fight to keep me more than I do to push them away. But I guess it's easier to push away than to keep someone who wants to leave. I know. I know it's really stupid. I ought to stop. I'm scared. So scared. I don't want to be hurt. In the end though, I just hurt myself. I'm sorry. To all of you who I have push away.
One more, I judge everyone, on one persons actions. If one person acts one way, I expect everyone to act that way. I'm sorry. Often people do act the same, but it often makes it so I don't even give people a chance. :/
Alright.... I have many many more. But I think thats enough negativity for one post. :)
My weekend has been good. Except I should have spent a little more time doing my homework. But it's all good. Haha Friday I went to the movies with a friend. Saturday I drove my moms car and went shopping. And I got lots of cute new things! And then in the evening I went to my best friends show. It was so good! Yesterday I did a little homework, but I mostly read and cleaned. You can finally see the floor in my room. :) Haha then some friends came and slept over and we eat a ton of sugar. :) And then today they stayed till about 14:00 (yeah... I use Europes time stuff. :) haha) then I cleaned and I have been slowly doing homework.
Goodnight. I must do my homework. Be a good student.
Spread the smiles, my friends. :D
Hello. :)
So one of my bad habits is drinking. I do it for two reasons.
To numb feelings.
For fun.
My best friend, is okay with drinking, but only if it's a little. And my other close friends are mostly against it. But like 70% of the people I know drink a lot. Soo... I don't know. I'm like my best friend, I don't mind if you do it a little, but it bothers me if you drink a lot and get drunk often. Though, I can't really say that because I drink more then I'm okay with. Not lately though. :) Well, I need to keep it this way.
Another bad habit is I tend to focus on all the bad things. I do it because, the bad things need to be fixed and the good doesn't need attention, it is already fixed.
I also push people away.
When I think they will hurt me.
When they get close.
When they start to back away even the slightest bit.
If I make a mistake, so they won't know.
When I think they deserve someone better then me in their life.
I know it's bad. I should fight to keep people. But I'm so scared. And I know it's selfish. To push people away because I'm scared. I am quite selfish though. I'm working on it. I know, I should fight or at least try to fight to keep people. But...I wish someone would fight for me. And I guess they do. But I wish someone would fight to keep me more than I do to push them away. But I guess it's easier to push away than to keep someone who wants to leave. I know. I know it's really stupid. I ought to stop. I'm scared. So scared. I don't want to be hurt. In the end though, I just hurt myself. I'm sorry. To all of you who I have push away.
One more, I judge everyone, on one persons actions. If one person acts one way, I expect everyone to act that way. I'm sorry. Often people do act the same, but it often makes it so I don't even give people a chance. :/
Alright.... I have many many more. But I think thats enough negativity for one post. :)
My weekend has been good. Except I should have spent a little more time doing my homework. But it's all good. Haha Friday I went to the movies with a friend. Saturday I drove my moms car and went shopping. And I got lots of cute new things! And then in the evening I went to my best friends show. It was so good! Yesterday I did a little homework, but I mostly read and cleaned. You can finally see the floor in my room. :) Haha then some friends came and slept over and we eat a ton of sugar. :) And then today they stayed till about 14:00 (yeah... I use Europes time stuff. :) haha) then I cleaned and I have been slowly doing homework.
Goodnight. I must do my homework. Be a good student.
Spread the smiles, my friends. :D
13.2.10
Happiness...
...is something that seems rather hard to achieve. I admire those who can, but still understand how the world is.
Hello. :)
Happiness.
It's different for each of us. It doesn't really make sense. I'm happiest in a place quite and pretty and usually pretty far from anything human. Or with a camera in my hands. Or singing. Rarely can I truly feel at peace and happy though. With friends, I am happy, but I'm usually just being distracted.
I'm fully at loss as to how one can maintain happiness when they see the little horrors of the world. How can it be possible with the big horrors? How?
Do they just not care? No, I know someone like this. She cares quite a lot. How does she do it?
Hmm... I don't know. I guess we are just not nearly grateful enough for what we have.
Alright. So... I blame my family for my ridiculous emotions. They're all so fucking sensitive. They cry and cry, and whine and whine, and yell and scream. It hurts my ears. It pisses me off. Who the fuck cares about your stupid ridiculous problems? The yelling hurts my brains. The crying makes me annoyed. The whining makes me mad. Yeah, I'm aware that I'm not such a lovely family member. But yelling hurts everyones head. Crying, is fine. But it isn't when it's over salt! Or something ridiculous like that. The whining? Yeah... Does anyone enjoy listening to constant whining and complaining, about every little thing?
Kay... Goodnight. My head hurts.
Spread
the
smiles.
:D
Hello. :)
Happiness.
It's different for each of us. It doesn't really make sense. I'm happiest in a place quite and pretty and usually pretty far from anything human. Or with a camera in my hands. Or singing. Rarely can I truly feel at peace and happy though. With friends, I am happy, but I'm usually just being distracted.
I'm fully at loss as to how one can maintain happiness when they see the little horrors of the world. How can it be possible with the big horrors? How?
Do they just not care? No, I know someone like this. She cares quite a lot. How does she do it?
Hmm... I don't know. I guess we are just not nearly grateful enough for what we have.
Alright. So... I blame my family for my ridiculous emotions. They're all so fucking sensitive. They cry and cry, and whine and whine, and yell and scream. It hurts my ears. It pisses me off. Who the fuck cares about your stupid ridiculous problems? The yelling hurts my brains. The crying makes me annoyed. The whining makes me mad. Yeah, I'm aware that I'm not such a lovely family member. But yelling hurts everyones head. Crying, is fine. But it isn't when it's over salt! Or something ridiculous like that. The whining? Yeah... Does anyone enjoy listening to constant whining and complaining, about every little thing?
Kay... Goodnight. My head hurts.
Spread
the
smiles.
:D
11.2.10
Purple. It's my favorite color.
Yep! It is! So is black. Shutup it is a color.
Hello.
I stayed home *sick* today. :)
Secrets. I hate them. But I have so many of my own. Some that a few people know and some that only I know. We all have some. They make me do things I wish I didn't have to. I lie to hide them nearly every day. Or I avoid certain subjects or people or things. Just little things, I guess. It used to really drive me crazy. All the secrets swimming through my mind. These days I don't care too much though. Only sometimes. I guess it was worse then too. I had to lie more and I was more emotionally attached.
Lately, I have been telling more then normal. I don't like it. It makes me scared. A lot.
Fear is what drives me. It controls me. I'm sorry, I'm working on it.
Today, was good. I was home all day. Slept bad but eh... I always do. I woke up, told my dad I felt kind of sick. 2 hours later my mom woke up and I was scared she'd make me go to school and be mad, but she was to busy to really do anything. And I never say when I'm sick so they basically always believe me when I say I am. :)
Then I just hide under the covers for most of the morning. Finally I got up and did some of my homework. It was a break from school that was very needed. I'm glad.
My mother is mad. She hates valentines. She's kind of mean. :/ whatever though. It's not a big deal.
Hmmm... I don't know what to think. About anything really. Everyone is happy and everyone is sad.
Judging. I do it. Lots. :/ Only to people I don't know, and to myself. People I don't know, they don't scare me. I don't know them. How would they even know if I judge them, it's not like I spread rumors or whatever. And my self? I'm not scared of me either. I know what I can do. But those I know? I'm afraid. Of losing them. Of hurting them. Of disappointing them. Of not being enough for them. I'm scared. Really scared. Of so many things. So I don't judge them. I love them. Sometimes they bother me. But then, I must be doing something wrong, not them. I dunno. Hmm...
It all comes back to fear. All of it.
Okay. Well goodnight. :)
Spread the smiles.
I don't know.
Be happy.
Think.
Live.
:)
Hello.
I stayed home *sick* today. :)
Secrets. I hate them. But I have so many of my own. Some that a few people know and some that only I know. We all have some. They make me do things I wish I didn't have to. I lie to hide them nearly every day. Or I avoid certain subjects or people or things. Just little things, I guess. It used to really drive me crazy. All the secrets swimming through my mind. These days I don't care too much though. Only sometimes. I guess it was worse then too. I had to lie more and I was more emotionally attached.
Lately, I have been telling more then normal. I don't like it. It makes me scared. A lot.
Fear is what drives me. It controls me. I'm sorry, I'm working on it.
Today, was good. I was home all day. Slept bad but eh... I always do. I woke up, told my dad I felt kind of sick. 2 hours later my mom woke up and I was scared she'd make me go to school and be mad, but she was to busy to really do anything. And I never say when I'm sick so they basically always believe me when I say I am. :)
Then I just hide under the covers for most of the morning. Finally I got up and did some of my homework. It was a break from school that was very needed. I'm glad.
My mother is mad. She hates valentines. She's kind of mean. :/ whatever though. It's not a big deal.
Hmmm... I don't know what to think. About anything really. Everyone is happy and everyone is sad.
Judging. I do it. Lots. :/ Only to people I don't know, and to myself. People I don't know, they don't scare me. I don't know them. How would they even know if I judge them, it's not like I spread rumors or whatever. And my self? I'm not scared of me either. I know what I can do. But those I know? I'm afraid. Of losing them. Of hurting them. Of disappointing them. Of not being enough for them. I'm scared. Really scared. Of so many things. So I don't judge them. I love them. Sometimes they bother me. But then, I must be doing something wrong, not them. I dunno. Hmm...
It all comes back to fear. All of it.
Okay. Well goodnight. :)
Spread the smiles.
I don't know.
Be happy.
Think.
Live.
:)
10.2.10
Scared.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I want to to drink.
I want to hate myself.
I want a reason.
I want to lie.
I want to hurt.
I want to destroy.
But I'm just little.
Insignificant.
Stupid.
Worthless.
Irritating.
Inferior.
Scared.
Good evening...
:/
I'm sorry. Today was good. I just wasn't very happy. I keep thinking about things. Bad things. I'm not supposed to.
Tell me I'm stupid. I don't trust myself when I say it. I don't trust anything I do. I need someone to tell me when I'm wrong and when I'm not.
Okay. Short. I don't care. I have way to much homework to do....
So... Spread the smiles? I guess.
Bye.
I want to to drink.
I want to hate myself.
I want a reason.
I want to lie.
I want to hurt.
I want to destroy.
But I'm just little.
Insignificant.
Stupid.
Worthless.
Irritating.
Inferior.
Scared.
Good evening...
:/
I'm sorry. Today was good. I just wasn't very happy. I keep thinking about things. Bad things. I'm not supposed to.
Tell me I'm stupid. I don't trust myself when I say it. I don't trust anything I do. I need someone to tell me when I'm wrong and when I'm not.
Okay. Short. I don't care. I have way to much homework to do....
So... Spread the smiles? I guess.
Bye.
9.2.10
Just beneath the surface...
... is a lot of blood and yucky insides.
Hello!
I'm FINALLY caught up in chemistry. Not my grade... but I have all the assignments in! :) I'm up to a C- so... not good but she still hasn't graded it all so, yeah. :) I'm still behind in like 4 other classes though... haha I was a good student... I've just been distracted lately...
What else? I'm excited for the coming weeks. Tomorrow I'm gonna be with my *best* friend! :) Thursday I think I'm going shopping. Saturday I'm going to my best friends show! Sunday, a few people are sleeping over. :) No school monday! Weekend after staying with the best friend. Parents are out of town. :) Ha awesomeness.
Today was good. I'm becoming better friends with this girl each day. We hung out today. Mostly just discussed controversial things and our families. We agree on almost everything. :) Which is weird because people never agree when I voice my opinions!
Hmm.. I hate trust. It's such a stupid thing. It's childish. Well... it makes me feel childish. :/
I don't want to trust people. But I should. But I don't. But I keep telling people things, as if I want to hurt. I want to hurt myself. Why? I don't know. I'm lost. There must be some selfish reason behind this want. Help me come up with one. So I can feel bad and pity myself? Why would I want to pity myself though? I don't know. Reason. I'm lacking one. Reason is what I base my life on. Yet I lack it. Everyday. What is this? I must be insane. No other explanation really makes sense.
I don't want to care. Caring hurts. Truly not caring hurts everyone else though. Pretending hurts too though I guess.
I spoke to my mother. I do daily, but I actually like talked to her. I don't like to. My parents analyze me too much. They worry too much. I should be glad they don't neglect me, right? I'm not a very good daughter. I hate that they worry about me. I'm fine. If I need help, I will get it. It won't be from them though... And I'm sorry for that, but they would never let it be. Any hint of secrets and they won't leave it alone... So I just don't talk to them about anything. "Hello", "Bye", "Yes", "No", "I dunno", and "Yes I have my phone", is about all I ever say to them. Should I say more?
I'm angry with myself.
For drinking.
For other things.
For not knowing what to do.
For not knowing what is right.
For not being a better person.
For being so ridiculous.
For not being a good daughter.
For not being a good sister.
For not being nice enough.
For being so self centered.
For not focusing enough on school and homework.
For being annoying.
For not being brave enough.
For not listening.
For being mad.
For this.
For a lot of things.
For all things.
And I'm sorry.
I'm being dumb. And I'm sorry.
I'm trying... But I guess... Not enough...
Gut Abend! (Good Evening in german... I think)
Spread The Smiles. :D
Hello!
I'm FINALLY caught up in chemistry. Not my grade... but I have all the assignments in! :) I'm up to a C- so... not good but she still hasn't graded it all so, yeah. :) I'm still behind in like 4 other classes though... haha I was a good student... I've just been distracted lately...
What else? I'm excited for the coming weeks. Tomorrow I'm gonna be with my *best* friend! :) Thursday I think I'm going shopping. Saturday I'm going to my best friends show! Sunday, a few people are sleeping over. :) No school monday! Weekend after staying with the best friend. Parents are out of town. :) Ha awesomeness.
Today was good. I'm becoming better friends with this girl each day. We hung out today. Mostly just discussed controversial things and our families. We agree on almost everything. :) Which is weird because people never agree when I voice my opinions!
Hmm.. I hate trust. It's such a stupid thing. It's childish. Well... it makes me feel childish. :/
I don't want to trust people. But I should. But I don't. But I keep telling people things, as if I want to hurt. I want to hurt myself. Why? I don't know. I'm lost. There must be some selfish reason behind this want. Help me come up with one. So I can feel bad and pity myself? Why would I want to pity myself though? I don't know. Reason. I'm lacking one. Reason is what I base my life on. Yet I lack it. Everyday. What is this? I must be insane. No other explanation really makes sense.
I don't want to care. Caring hurts. Truly not caring hurts everyone else though. Pretending hurts too though I guess.
I spoke to my mother. I do daily, but I actually like talked to her. I don't like to. My parents analyze me too much. They worry too much. I should be glad they don't neglect me, right? I'm not a very good daughter. I hate that they worry about me. I'm fine. If I need help, I will get it. It won't be from them though... And I'm sorry for that, but they would never let it be. Any hint of secrets and they won't leave it alone... So I just don't talk to them about anything. "Hello", "Bye", "Yes", "No", "I dunno", and "Yes I have my phone", is about all I ever say to them. Should I say more?
I'm angry with myself.
For drinking.
For other things.
For not knowing what to do.
For not knowing what is right.
For not being a better person.
For being so ridiculous.
For not being a good daughter.
For not being a good sister.
For not being nice enough.
For being so self centered.
For not focusing enough on school and homework.
For being annoying.
For not being brave enough.
For not listening.
For being mad.
For this.
For a lot of things.
For all things.
And I'm sorry.
I'm being dumb. And I'm sorry.
I'm trying... But I guess... Not enough...
Gut Abend! (Good Evening in german... I think)
Spread The Smiles. :D
8.2.10
Guessing Games.
I hate them. I'm always wrong. Always.
Everything. Everything is a guessing game.
What am I supposed to do now? This? That?
Should I be mad? Should I forgive?
What can I say? Who can I trust?
I'm wrong. It's not the right answer.
What will happen if I don't guess right?
Does it matter?
Everything is a fucking guessing game. Life is. I hate it. I'm wrong.
I just want to be right. Just once... I can doubt all I fucking want, but if I could just be right once.
Good afternoon or evening or morning. I don't know when you read this. :)
Everyone I know who smokes acts so fucking dumb. It bothers me. They don't care about anything. I encountered many of them today. :( It makes me sad. Why do they waste time on such stupid things? I don't care if people smoke like once or twice. But every day? Every week? Every month? Maybe I'm insane and shouldn't care, I'm trying. I'm sorry that I can't decide. I'm stuck. Right here. I don't wanna move. I don't wanna change what's so close to falling. The glass is tipping but I'm too far away and I'm not sure which way it will fall.
I'm sorry. I'm trying.
It's like a song.
A beautiful rhythm to depend on.
Like the beats of our heart. It keeps us going.
Until...
Miss one. Skip one. Mess up a few.
I'm scared.
What am I supposed to do...
What happens if I make a mistake...
They are piling up.
I can't keep it up. I will drown in the music.
I will pull it all down.
A beautiful rhythm to depend on. But it's falling apart.
Can I skip over a few beats and still catch the rhythm?
Will that fuck up everything? If I'm ahead a few beats, and you are still behind?
Am I doing this wrong? I think I am.
How do I rewind?
Help me please? The button is outside, while I am locked in.
Can you fix this fucking problem?
I can't. I can't. I can't.
I don't like that part of the song.
I don't know how it goes.
Can we all just jump a few beats ahead and pray the listeners won't catch my mistake?
I have to. So we must.
One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four.
Five.
One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four...
So I'm sorry if you can hear the missed beats.
I'm sorry if you caught us breaking these laws.
I'm sorry if you know.
Please keep quiet.
:) That is what I make of this. Each situation is a different song. Slightly different beat. Slightly different sound. Some belong together, some don't.
Anyways... I love my photo teacher. He reminds me of my old school. Where teachers actually care. Where they appreciate effort. Where they actually want to get to know you. I love that class too. It's so much fun! It's hardly a class. Haha we just wander around. It's lovely. Ha I'm done.
I have a FUCKING LOT of homework. Because I have been a bad student lately. 2 chem assignments, 1 math, a history chapter outline, a quiz, and a study guide. All are late and I haven't started any. Haha fuck. And then I have all my normal homework. :) I'm kind of stupid sometimes.
This is getting long.... haha. Sorry.
Spread the smiles. :) Goodbye.
Everything. Everything is a guessing game.
What am I supposed to do now? This? That?
Should I be mad? Should I forgive?
What can I say? Who can I trust?
I'm wrong. It's not the right answer.
What will happen if I don't guess right?
Does it matter?
Everything is a fucking guessing game. Life is. I hate it. I'm wrong.
I just want to be right. Just once... I can doubt all I fucking want, but if I could just be right once.
Good afternoon or evening or morning. I don't know when you read this. :)
Everyone I know who smokes acts so fucking dumb. It bothers me. They don't care about anything. I encountered many of them today. :( It makes me sad. Why do they waste time on such stupid things? I don't care if people smoke like once or twice. But every day? Every week? Every month? Maybe I'm insane and shouldn't care, I'm trying. I'm sorry that I can't decide. I'm stuck. Right here. I don't wanna move. I don't wanna change what's so close to falling. The glass is tipping but I'm too far away and I'm not sure which way it will fall.
I'm sorry. I'm trying.
It's like a song.
A beautiful rhythm to depend on.
Like the beats of our heart. It keeps us going.
Until...
Miss one. Skip one. Mess up a few.
I'm scared.
What am I supposed to do...
What happens if I make a mistake...
They are piling up.
I can't keep it up. I will drown in the music.
I will pull it all down.
A beautiful rhythm to depend on. But it's falling apart.
Can I skip over a few beats and still catch the rhythm?
Will that fuck up everything? If I'm ahead a few beats, and you are still behind?
Am I doing this wrong? I think I am.
How do I rewind?
Help me please? The button is outside, while I am locked in.
Can you fix this fucking problem?
I can't. I can't. I can't.
I don't like that part of the song.
I don't know how it goes.
Can we all just jump a few beats ahead and pray the listeners won't catch my mistake?
I have to. So we must.
One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four.
Five.
One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four...
So I'm sorry if you can hear the missed beats.
I'm sorry if you caught us breaking these laws.
I'm sorry if you know.
Please keep quiet.
:) That is what I make of this. Each situation is a different song. Slightly different beat. Slightly different sound. Some belong together, some don't.
Anyways... I love my photo teacher. He reminds me of my old school. Where teachers actually care. Where they appreciate effort. Where they actually want to get to know you. I love that class too. It's so much fun! It's hardly a class. Haha we just wander around. It's lovely. Ha I'm done.
I have a FUCKING LOT of homework. Because I have been a bad student lately. 2 chem assignments, 1 math, a history chapter outline, a quiz, and a study guide. All are late and I haven't started any. Haha fuck. And then I have all my normal homework. :) I'm kind of stupid sometimes.
This is getting long.... haha. Sorry.
Spread the smiles. :) Goodbye.
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