Unbalanced.

So. I really don't know what to say.
I can't describe this feeling.
It's like no feeling.
It's like numb.
But I know there is more.
I just don't wanna go there.
So I'm leaving it alone.
Letting it grow till I can't ignore it anymore.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and tied to my leg is a bag of these feelings and thoughts hanging off the cliff, and I could reach down and cut it off and let them fall, but I'm to afraid of falling off also, so instead I'm just standing till the pull of the bag gets to be too much.

If that makes any sense...

Today was good. My friend and I sat at a coffee shop for like 3 hours. And just talked about random things.
Last night was good also.
Tomorrow should be good.

I feel like summer is going to be over to soon.
I feel like there isn't enough time for everything.
I feel like I'm running out of time.

Hmmm...
I don't know.
I'm mad at myself.
I just don't wanna deal with it right now.
So I'm just trying to ignore it.

I want to not care.
So I'm trying to act like it.
I'm just sick of all the back and forth in my mind.
I just want it gone!
I can't take it.
I just need a break from my insanity.
So yeah...
Idk.

I just feel unbalanced.
Like not towards one way or another.
Just all over the place.

I'm just scared that if I keep feeling like I have been I'll get stuck again.
So I'm just trying to block out all feelings.

Well... I'm going to go now. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles. Drink coffee.

It all fits together.
Like a puzzle.

The only tricky part is,
all the pieces are hidden.

Lost.

I did it again. Goddamnit!

I think I'm acting totally insane.
Totally unstable.
But I am.
I'm just lost with my emotions.
I don't know what I want, or what anyone else wants.
I need to know what people want.
Because I don't need what I want.
If it's up to me, I'd rather help someone get what they want. If I feel they deserve it, which most people do with most of their wants.
I'm just lost.
I'll tell the truth, but I'd like to know if Im going to disappoint them or not.

I want my Circles.
Not him exactly.
But I want someone. Just like him.
Hahaha. Dumb.
I want someone who can prove to me they care like he did. No one has ever been as successful as him.
But like I decided about a year ago, its all a waste of time. At least in high school.
I don't need to think any farther then that.
:)

Well I'm tired. So goodnight.
Spread the smiles, don't worry about anything, just live.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I need a day to think. Though I really don't want to...
So yeah...
I just need to maybe figure some things out and make some decisions.
Though I really really don't want to. Because spending a lot of time thinking on things make me very depressed.
Usually. Sometimes it brings me out of the smog, but usually it just buries me.
But... Not be able to to decide makes me anxious.
So much that I feel sick and want to throw up.
It's not really so good...
I just need some time. And some determination.

Why can't I just be normal?
I just want to be goddamn normal.
I don't want to stick out. I just want to hide and be invisible, along with the most of us.
I want to not care. At least not so much. Not about all the stupid little goddamn things I do.
It makes everything so difficult.
I just can't do anything right.
Which prevents me from making decisions, in fear of them being wrong..

I just want people to be happy with what I am.
And even though I'm clearly not amazing or wonderful,
I'd like people to think I'm good enough.
I'd like them to think I'm satisfactory.
I'd really just like to be okay with myself.

Hmmm...
I amaze myself sometimes.
With stupidity.
I really don't understand...
One second I can't tell good from bad, and the next I can. But by then it's to late.
It's like I walk into a tunnel and it's so dark I can't find out how to get out, and then I panic and I'd do anything that might get me out even if it makes no sense because I'm so lost and scared that I have no common sense.
And even though whatever I do to try to escape the tunnel, no matter how much it actually gets me closer to getting out, it makes it better.
It wakes me up. Like the tunnel was only a dream.
And then I just feel stupid for feeling trapped in a dream.
I don't really know how to explain it.
I don't understand. I just lose all common sense.
There is something wrong in my head.
I'm missing some vital pieces.

Well... Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.

I hate when people try to fix the past.
It's done, it's happened.
Please don't rip back open my wounds.

All I do.

Hmmm...
I wish I could just let go.
Of all my morals,
of all my "rules."
I wish I wasn't scared to become someone I hate.
I wish I didn't hate that person, because being that person would be so much easier.
I wish I just could fucking stop caring.
I wish I could be mean when I'm angry. Rather than fucking turning it on me somehow. I wish I didn't do that.
And I wish I could stop. But I can't!
I can't make you happy. You can't make me happy.
Maybe we should just let it go.
Sometimes I feel like I care about every stupid goddamn fucking detail more than anyone else. And I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE?
I know they care... A lot more than I.
I just... Don't see it.
I need to see that they care.
I need to see you care.
That is all that keeps me here.
Because someone cares.
Not about me, about anything, everything.
I really think there is something wrong with me. Not just now. But every moment. In the back of my head I'm always wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
I wish I could just let it go, for just one fucking second!
Why do I still think people care?
Every day they prove to me that they don't.

I guess I do to.
I push people away.
But it's just because I'm afraid.
Something will go wrong.
Something always goes wrong.
And then I'm stuck feeling lost.
And so I push them away, so I can blame myself.
So that people, in general, I can still have faith in them.
I need something to believe in. Unreasonable as it is, I need it.
Otherwise I don't need to be here and so I won't be.

Hmmm...
Why can't I just fucking let everything go?
Let go, and fall.

I really don't understand.
Why does no one care?
Or more. Why does no one show it?
Is it my fault? Because I'm the bad guy, I push them away? Is that it?

I wish someone knew just how to act. But I can't tell them, I don't know. You're never good enough. I'm sorry. I can't make myself happy either.
I'm just rotten and sour, there is nothing more to it. I'll take your joy and rip it to shreds.
Stay away. This heart is far to gone. This soul is far to lost.
Stay away. Save yourself.

Goodnight.

Selfish little world...

So... I hate mixed feelings. Like, happy about something and also quite not about something else.

I hate being unhappy. It's such a selfish thing. It makes me feel so selfish, and pathetic, and stupid. Which just makes it worse. Haha...
I don't even want to admit it.
Because the moment I do, I also admit that I'm this person I never wanted to be.
This person I will never accept.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Anything else is unacceptable.

But then again, I don't want to be happy either.
I can be content, not happy though...
Happy is... ignorant, and selfish.
Happy is all good, but nothing is ever all good.
Nothing is ever perfect though.
Somewhere something will be terribly wrong. And even if it has nothing to do with me, or I have nothing to do with it, it's still there. It still makes me feel selfish.
How is it okay for me to be happy while someone out there is dying of pain? Even if they could care less about me, and it makes absolutely no difference how I feel, it still makes me feel selfish.
But even that is selfish. Everything I can think of is selfish.
What I wish I could be, is not possible.
Not for anyone.
To want it, is selfish.

All my little thoughts, they are such a waste of time.
Such a goddamn waste of time.
Why can't I just turn them off, and let it all go, and just live.
Not worry if it's okay, if it's the best thing, not worry about anything.
But it doesn't work like that.
It never works like that....

Just thinking like this is so goddamn selfish.
To think it all even matters, is so selfish.

It's selfish, that I can't find a solution.
It's selfish of me, that I can't find a balance.
It's selfish that I can't just say okay, and let it be that way.

Well... I don't know.
I don't mean to depress you.
Not at all.
So I guess I shouldn't say this all.
But, it doesn't matter, does it?
Nothing matters, what matters?

I just don't know.

I'm actually pretty okay right now. Even if it seems otherwise.
So yeah.
Good morning. :)
Spread the smiles, keep looking up, but don't forget what's below.