Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I need a day to think. Though I really don't want to...
So yeah...
I just need to maybe figure some things out and make some decisions.
Though I really really don't want to. Because spending a lot of time thinking on things make me very depressed.
Usually. Sometimes it brings me out of the smog, but usually it just buries me.
But... Not be able to to decide makes me anxious.
So much that I feel sick and want to throw up.
It's not really so good...
I just need some time. And some determination.

Why can't I just be normal?
I just want to be goddamn normal.
I don't want to stick out. I just want to hide and be invisible, along with the most of us.
I want to not care. At least not so much. Not about all the stupid little goddamn things I do.
It makes everything so difficult.
I just can't do anything right.
Which prevents me from making decisions, in fear of them being wrong..

I just want people to be happy with what I am.
And even though I'm clearly not amazing or wonderful,
I'd like people to think I'm good enough.
I'd like them to think I'm satisfactory.
I'd really just like to be okay with myself.

Hmmm...
I amaze myself sometimes.
With stupidity.
I really don't understand...
One second I can't tell good from bad, and the next I can. But by then it's to late.
It's like I walk into a tunnel and it's so dark I can't find out how to get out, and then I panic and I'd do anything that might get me out even if it makes no sense because I'm so lost and scared that I have no common sense.
And even though whatever I do to try to escape the tunnel, no matter how much it actually gets me closer to getting out, it makes it better.
It wakes me up. Like the tunnel was only a dream.
And then I just feel stupid for feeling trapped in a dream.
I don't really know how to explain it.
I don't understand. I just lose all common sense.
There is something wrong in my head.
I'm missing some vital pieces.

Well... Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.

I hate when people try to fix the past.
It's done, it's happened.
Please don't rip back open my wounds.

All I do.

Hmmm...
I wish I could just let go.
Of all my morals,
of all my "rules."
I wish I wasn't scared to become someone I hate.
I wish I didn't hate that person, because being that person would be so much easier.
I wish I just could fucking stop caring.
I wish I could be mean when I'm angry. Rather than fucking turning it on me somehow. I wish I didn't do that.
And I wish I could stop. But I can't!
I can't make you happy. You can't make me happy.
Maybe we should just let it go.
Sometimes I feel like I care about every stupid goddamn fucking detail more than anyone else. And I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE?
I know they care... A lot more than I.
I just... Don't see it.
I need to see that they care.
I need to see you care.
That is all that keeps me here.
Because someone cares.
Not about me, about anything, everything.
I really think there is something wrong with me. Not just now. But every moment. In the back of my head I'm always wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
I wish I could just let it go, for just one fucking second!
Why do I still think people care?
Every day they prove to me that they don't.

I guess I do to.
I push people away.
But it's just because I'm afraid.
Something will go wrong.
Something always goes wrong.
And then I'm stuck feeling lost.
And so I push them away, so I can blame myself.
So that people, in general, I can still have faith in them.
I need something to believe in. Unreasonable as it is, I need it.
Otherwise I don't need to be here and so I won't be.

Hmmm...
Why can't I just fucking let everything go?
Let go, and fall.

I really don't understand.
Why does no one care?
Or more. Why does no one show it?
Is it my fault? Because I'm the bad guy, I push them away? Is that it?

I wish someone knew just how to act. But I can't tell them, I don't know. You're never good enough. I'm sorry. I can't make myself happy either.
I'm just rotten and sour, there is nothing more to it. I'll take your joy and rip it to shreds.
Stay away. This heart is far to gone. This soul is far to lost.
Stay away. Save yourself.

Goodnight.

Selfish little world...

So... I hate mixed feelings. Like, happy about something and also quite not about something else.

I hate being unhappy. It's such a selfish thing. It makes me feel so selfish, and pathetic, and stupid. Which just makes it worse. Haha...
I don't even want to admit it.
Because the moment I do, I also admit that I'm this person I never wanted to be.
This person I will never accept.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Anything else is unacceptable.

But then again, I don't want to be happy either.
I can be content, not happy though...
Happy is... ignorant, and selfish.
Happy is all good, but nothing is ever all good.
Nothing is ever perfect though.
Somewhere something will be terribly wrong. And even if it has nothing to do with me, or I have nothing to do with it, it's still there. It still makes me feel selfish.
How is it okay for me to be happy while someone out there is dying of pain? Even if they could care less about me, and it makes absolutely no difference how I feel, it still makes me feel selfish.
But even that is selfish. Everything I can think of is selfish.
What I wish I could be, is not possible.
Not for anyone.
To want it, is selfish.

All my little thoughts, they are such a waste of time.
Such a goddamn waste of time.
Why can't I just turn them off, and let it all go, and just live.
Not worry if it's okay, if it's the best thing, not worry about anything.
But it doesn't work like that.
It never works like that....

Just thinking like this is so goddamn selfish.
To think it all even matters, is so selfish.

It's selfish, that I can't find a solution.
It's selfish of me, that I can't find a balance.
It's selfish that I can't just say okay, and let it be that way.

Well... I don't know.
I don't mean to depress you.
Not at all.
So I guess I shouldn't say this all.
But, it doesn't matter, does it?
Nothing matters, what matters?

I just don't know.

I'm actually pretty okay right now. Even if it seems otherwise.
So yeah.
Good morning. :)
Spread the smiles, keep looking up, but don't forget what's below.

Not enough.
Not enough.
Not enough.
Not enough.

Majority against the minority.

Gahh...
Stupid parents.
Stupid adults.
Why won't they just listen to me?
I know I'm just a stupid teenager...
But please! I think my idea's through.
Please don't just reject them because I'm young.
It's already 2 against 1.

People always tell me that I should be closer to my parents.
That I should try to be a better daughter.
That I should talk to them.

But they are so goddamn infuriating.

Every conversation ends with someone's feelings hurt.

And every time it's their feelings that are more hurt than mine, they try to fix it. But they way they fix it is an attack on me.
You need to change. You're wrong. You can't act like this anymore.
It's like they think I'm out of control. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A BAD KID IS.
Stop telling me I'm not good enough.
I believe you. Every time.
Even if those aren't the exact words said, it's all I hear.

My dad is much more favored than my mother to me.

I'd like to talk to you, if you weren't on the devil's side, papa.
I'd like you to be my best friend, if you could just keep my words to yourself, daddy.
I'd like things to be as they used to, when I didn't need "fixing," father.
I'd like to think you were on my side.
I know you just want the best for me.
I know you don't see this.
But I'm not a baby anymore. I'm not perfect, not even close.
You don't need to teach me to work hard, I do my best already.
I'd just like a little break, can I get that?

I hide how I feel.
You have taught this to me.
Because when I was small, and something was wrong, I hated to see the hurt in others eyes because of my tears.
It is what you do too.
Sadness doesn't always need to be solved right away.
It doesn't need to be analyzed.
It just needs a hug.
A hand to hold, and not to be alone.
That's all.
I don't need your words of wisdom.

Hmmm... I dunno what I'm saying anymore.
I just wish when someone said I'm good enough that I'd believe them, rather than in my head hear all the things wrong with me.

Alrighty. So yesterday I did not do any of the homework I needed to.
Today I will. Really. I NEED TO.

I just want the week to be over and done with.
The next 30 years over and done with.
None of it matters or makes a difference.

I don't want to hurt anyone.
Yet I do. So often.

Well I'm just being dumb. Stupid and foolish as always. Let's focus the anger on myself, so no one else has to feel the wrath.
I'm going to really do my homework.
Goodbye, goodnight.
Spread the smiles, I love you too.

Amplify the sounds.

Before it all comes down.
Before the chance is missed.

Hmm...
To fall in love with me, would be an awful thing to do.
I'm never satisfied.
You'd never be good enough.
No matter who you are.
I'd always find something wrong.
I'd always make you feel incompetent.
I should just warn people.
Tattoo it on my forehead to stay away.
I'll do no good for you, and even if you help a lot, it'll never be enough.
I'm just a pathetic, selfish, stupid, impulsive, psychotic, whiny, self-pitying, idiot.
That's really how it is.
I'd be happy for a day, or maybe even a month, but then I'd reach my limit and return to building up my wall.
NO ONE ALLOWED.
I know the curiosity will try to tempt you, but honestly, don't let it.
Don't let it for the fucking life of you.
I'll take your hard work and smash it on the ground.
Every single time.
Once you feel accepted, I'll throw you out.
I'll never give you a reason.
If you find the truth, you'll never be let back in.
You'll regret it.

This is what I've decided.
:)

When people talk shit about others,
then the others find out,
they'll say something like,
"Don't listen to them, they don't know shit. If you want the truth talk to me."
Idk. Ha I think people shouldn't trust what ANYONE says. Only yourself.
Don't trust what people say about themselves or what people say about others.

Ah I dunno what I'm talking about.
So... What have I been up to?
Last weekend I spent all my time with friends. No alone time.
This weekend I did the same.
Till today. I was supposed do my homework...
Ah that never works out as I like.

I feel so alone.
And I wish I had someone to blame.
But it all comes down on me.
I'm the one pushing people away...
I'm the problem.
I'm the only one standing in the way of everything I want. Everything I need.
Why won't I just fucking get out of the way?
Why do I wish this upon myself?
Is there something greatly wrong with my little brain?
Ah I don't know.

I'm fine as long as I don't feel like I used to.
When or if that happens again, I will be endangered.
So I'm fine.

Sometimes I feel so helpless.
There is nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do to help.
Nothing.

Ah well now I'm going to do my homework. I have gotten really bad at that. Good thing school is almost over.
So. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles, help someone out.