Hmmm...
I wish I could just let go.
Of all my morals,
of all my "rules."
I wish I wasn't scared to become someone I hate.
I wish I didn't hate that person, because being that person would be so much easier.
I wish I just could fucking stop caring.
I wish I could be mean when I'm angry. Rather than fucking turning it on me somehow. I wish I didn't do that.
And I wish I could stop. But I can't!
I can't make you happy. You can't make me happy.
Maybe we should just let it go.
Sometimes I feel like I care about every stupid goddamn fucking detail more than anyone else. And I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE?
I know they care... A lot more than I.
I just... Don't see it.
I need to see that they care.
I need to see you care.
That is all that keeps me here.
Because someone cares.
Not about me, about anything, everything.
I really think there is something wrong with me. Not just now. But every moment. In the back of my head I'm always wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
I wish I could just let it go, for just one fucking second!
Why do I still think people care?
Every day they prove to me that they don't.
I guess I do to.
I push people away.
But it's just because I'm afraid.
Something will go wrong.
Something always goes wrong.
And then I'm stuck feeling lost.
And so I push them away, so I can blame myself.
So that people, in general, I can still have faith in them.
I need something to believe in. Unreasonable as it is, I need it.
Otherwise I don't need to be here and so I won't be.
Hmmm...
Why can't I just fucking let everything go?
Let go, and fall.
I really don't understand.
Why does no one care?
Or more. Why does no one show it?
Is it my fault? Because I'm the bad guy, I push them away? Is that it?
I wish someone knew just how to act. But I can't tell them, I don't know. You're never good enough. I'm sorry. I can't make myself happy either.
I'm just rotten and sour, there is nothing more to it. I'll take your joy and rip it to shreds.
Stay away. This heart is far to gone. This soul is far to lost.
Stay away. Save yourself.
Goodnight.
6.6.10
5.6.10
Selfish little world...
So... I hate mixed feelings. Like, happy about something and also quite not about something else.
I hate being unhappy. It's such a selfish thing. It makes me feel so selfish, and pathetic, and stupid. Which just makes it worse. Haha...
I don't even want to admit it.
Because the moment I do, I also admit that I'm this person I never wanted to be.
This person I will never accept.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Anything else is unacceptable.
But then again, I don't want to be happy either.
I can be content, not happy though...
Happy is... ignorant, and selfish.
Happy is all good, but nothing is ever all good.
Nothing is ever perfect though.
Somewhere something will be terribly wrong. And even if it has nothing to do with me, or I have nothing to do with it, it's still there. It still makes me feel selfish.
How is it okay for me to be happy while someone out there is dying of pain? Even if they could care less about me, and it makes absolutely no difference how I feel, it still makes me feel selfish.
But even that is selfish. Everything I can think of is selfish.
What I wish I could be, is not possible.
Not for anyone.
To want it, is selfish.
All my little thoughts, they are such a waste of time.
Such a goddamn waste of time.
Why can't I just turn them off, and let it all go, and just live.
Not worry if it's okay, if it's the best thing, not worry about anything.
But it doesn't work like that.
It never works like that....
Just thinking like this is so goddamn selfish.
To think it all even matters, is so selfish.
It's selfish, that I can't find a solution.
It's selfish of me, that I can't find a balance.
It's selfish that I can't just say okay, and let it be that way.
Well... I don't know.
I don't mean to depress you.
Not at all.
So I guess I shouldn't say this all.
But, it doesn't matter, does it?
Nothing matters, what matters?
I just don't know.
I'm actually pretty okay right now. Even if it seems otherwise.
So yeah.
Good morning. :)
Spread the smiles, keep looking up, but don't forget what's below.
I hate being unhappy. It's such a selfish thing. It makes me feel so selfish, and pathetic, and stupid. Which just makes it worse. Haha...
I don't even want to admit it.
Because the moment I do, I also admit that I'm this person I never wanted to be.
This person I will never accept.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Anything else is unacceptable.
But then again, I don't want to be happy either.
I can be content, not happy though...
Happy is... ignorant, and selfish.
Happy is all good, but nothing is ever all good.
Nothing is ever perfect though.
Somewhere something will be terribly wrong. And even if it has nothing to do with me, or I have nothing to do with it, it's still there. It still makes me feel selfish.
How is it okay for me to be happy while someone out there is dying of pain? Even if they could care less about me, and it makes absolutely no difference how I feel, it still makes me feel selfish.
But even that is selfish. Everything I can think of is selfish.
What I wish I could be, is not possible.
Not for anyone.
To want it, is selfish.
All my little thoughts, they are such a waste of time.
Such a goddamn waste of time.
Why can't I just turn them off, and let it all go, and just live.
Not worry if it's okay, if it's the best thing, not worry about anything.
But it doesn't work like that.
It never works like that....
Just thinking like this is so goddamn selfish.
To think it all even matters, is so selfish.
It's selfish, that I can't find a solution.
It's selfish of me, that I can't find a balance.
It's selfish that I can't just say okay, and let it be that way.
Well... I don't know.
I don't mean to depress you.
Not at all.
So I guess I shouldn't say this all.
But, it doesn't matter, does it?
Nothing matters, what matters?
I just don't know.
I'm actually pretty okay right now. Even if it seems otherwise.
So yeah.
Good morning. :)
Spread the smiles, keep looking up, but don't forget what's below.
4.6.10
1.6.10
Majority against the minority.
Gahh...
Stupid parents.
Stupid adults.
Why won't they just listen to me?
I know I'm just a stupid teenager...
But please! I think my idea's through.
Please don't just reject them because I'm young.
It's already 2 against 1.
People always tell me that I should be closer to my parents.
That I should try to be a better daughter.
That I should talk to them.
But they are so goddamn infuriating.
Every conversation ends with someone's feelings hurt.
And every time it's their feelings that are more hurt than mine, they try to fix it. But they way they fix it is an attack on me.
You need to change. You're wrong. You can't act like this anymore.
It's like they think I'm out of control. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A BAD KID IS.
Stop telling me I'm not good enough.
I believe you. Every time.
Even if those aren't the exact words said, it's all I hear.
My dad is much more favored than my mother to me.
I'd like to talk to you, if you weren't on the devil's side, papa.
I'd like you to be my best friend, if you could just keep my words to yourself, daddy.
I'd like things to be as they used to, when I didn't need "fixing," father.
I'd like to think you were on my side.
I know you just want the best for me.
I know you don't see this.
But I'm not a baby anymore. I'm not perfect, not even close.
You don't need to teach me to work hard, I do my best already.
I'd just like a little break, can I get that?
I hide how I feel.
You have taught this to me.
Because when I was small, and something was wrong, I hated to see the hurt in others eyes because of my tears.
It is what you do too.
Sadness doesn't always need to be solved right away.
It doesn't need to be analyzed.
It just needs a hug.
A hand to hold, and not to be alone.
That's all.
I don't need your words of wisdom.
Hmmm... I dunno what I'm saying anymore.
I just wish when someone said I'm good enough that I'd believe them, rather than in my head hear all the things wrong with me.
Alrighty. So yesterday I did not do any of the homework I needed to.
Today I will. Really. I NEED TO.
I just want the week to be over and done with.
The next 30 years over and done with.
None of it matters or makes a difference.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Yet I do. So often.
Well I'm just being dumb. Stupid and foolish as always. Let's focus the anger on myself, so no one else has to feel the wrath.
I'm going to really do my homework.
Goodbye, goodnight.
Spread the smiles, I love you too.
Stupid parents.
Stupid adults.
Why won't they just listen to me?
I know I'm just a stupid teenager...
But please! I think my idea's through.
Please don't just reject them because I'm young.
It's already 2 against 1.
People always tell me that I should be closer to my parents.
That I should try to be a better daughter.
That I should talk to them.
But they are so goddamn infuriating.
Every conversation ends with someone's feelings hurt.
And every time it's their feelings that are more hurt than mine, they try to fix it. But they way they fix it is an attack on me.
You need to change. You're wrong. You can't act like this anymore.
It's like they think I'm out of control. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A BAD KID IS.
Stop telling me I'm not good enough.
I believe you. Every time.
Even if those aren't the exact words said, it's all I hear.
My dad is much more favored than my mother to me.
I'd like to talk to you, if you weren't on the devil's side, papa.
I'd like you to be my best friend, if you could just keep my words to yourself, daddy.
I'd like things to be as they used to, when I didn't need "fixing," father.
I'd like to think you were on my side.
I know you just want the best for me.
I know you don't see this.
But I'm not a baby anymore. I'm not perfect, not even close.
You don't need to teach me to work hard, I do my best already.
I'd just like a little break, can I get that?
I hide how I feel.
You have taught this to me.
Because when I was small, and something was wrong, I hated to see the hurt in others eyes because of my tears.
It is what you do too.
Sadness doesn't always need to be solved right away.
It doesn't need to be analyzed.
It just needs a hug.
A hand to hold, and not to be alone.
That's all.
I don't need your words of wisdom.
Hmmm... I dunno what I'm saying anymore.
I just wish when someone said I'm good enough that I'd believe them, rather than in my head hear all the things wrong with me.
Alrighty. So yesterday I did not do any of the homework I needed to.
Today I will. Really. I NEED TO.
I just want the week to be over and done with.
The next 30 years over and done with.
None of it matters or makes a difference.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Yet I do. So often.
Well I'm just being dumb. Stupid and foolish as always. Let's focus the anger on myself, so no one else has to feel the wrath.
I'm going to really do my homework.
Goodbye, goodnight.
Spread the smiles, I love you too.
31.5.10
Amplify the sounds.
Before it all comes down.
Before the chance is missed.
Hmm...
To fall in love with me, would be an awful thing to do.
I'm never satisfied.
You'd never be good enough.
No matter who you are.
I'd always find something wrong.
I'd always make you feel incompetent.
I should just warn people.
Tattoo it on my forehead to stay away.
I'll do no good for you, and even if you help a lot, it'll never be enough.
I'm just a pathetic, selfish, stupid, impulsive, psychotic, whiny, self-pitying, idiot.
That's really how it is.
I'd be happy for a day, or maybe even a month, but then I'd reach my limit and return to building up my wall.
NO ONE ALLOWED.
I know the curiosity will try to tempt you, but honestly, don't let it.
Don't let it for the fucking life of you.
I'll take your hard work and smash it on the ground.
Every single time.
Once you feel accepted, I'll throw you out.
I'll never give you a reason.
If you find the truth, you'll never be let back in.
You'll regret it.
This is what I've decided.
:)
When people talk shit about others,
then the others find out,
they'll say something like,
"Don't listen to them, they don't know shit. If you want the truth talk to me."
Idk. Ha I think people shouldn't trust what ANYONE says. Only yourself.
Don't trust what people say about themselves or what people say about others.
Ah I dunno what I'm talking about.
So... What have I been up to?
Last weekend I spent all my time with friends. No alone time.
This weekend I did the same.
Till today. I was supposed do my homework...
Ah that never works out as I like.
I feel so alone.
And I wish I had someone to blame.
But it all comes down on me.
I'm the one pushing people away...
I'm the problem.
I'm the only one standing in the way of everything I want. Everything I need.
Why won't I just fucking get out of the way?
Why do I wish this upon myself?
Is there something greatly wrong with my little brain?
Ah I don't know.
I'm fine as long as I don't feel like I used to.
When or if that happens again, I will be endangered.
So I'm fine.
Sometimes I feel so helpless.
There is nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do to help.
Nothing.
Ah well now I'm going to do my homework. I have gotten really bad at that. Good thing school is almost over.
So. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles, help someone out.
Before the chance is missed.
Hmm...
To fall in love with me, would be an awful thing to do.
I'm never satisfied.
You'd never be good enough.
No matter who you are.
I'd always find something wrong.
I'd always make you feel incompetent.
I should just warn people.
Tattoo it on my forehead to stay away.
I'll do no good for you, and even if you help a lot, it'll never be enough.
I'm just a pathetic, selfish, stupid, impulsive, psychotic, whiny, self-pitying, idiot.
That's really how it is.
I'd be happy for a day, or maybe even a month, but then I'd reach my limit and return to building up my wall.
NO ONE ALLOWED.
I know the curiosity will try to tempt you, but honestly, don't let it.
Don't let it for the fucking life of you.
I'll take your hard work and smash it on the ground.
Every single time.
Once you feel accepted, I'll throw you out.
I'll never give you a reason.
If you find the truth, you'll never be let back in.
You'll regret it.
This is what I've decided.
:)
When people talk shit about others,
then the others find out,
they'll say something like,
"Don't listen to them, they don't know shit. If you want the truth talk to me."
Idk. Ha I think people shouldn't trust what ANYONE says. Only yourself.
Don't trust what people say about themselves or what people say about others.
Ah I dunno what I'm talking about.
So... What have I been up to?
Last weekend I spent all my time with friends. No alone time.
This weekend I did the same.
Till today. I was supposed do my homework...
Ah that never works out as I like.
I feel so alone.
And I wish I had someone to blame.
But it all comes down on me.
I'm the one pushing people away...
I'm the problem.
I'm the only one standing in the way of everything I want. Everything I need.
Why won't I just fucking get out of the way?
Why do I wish this upon myself?
Is there something greatly wrong with my little brain?
Ah I don't know.
I'm fine as long as I don't feel like I used to.
When or if that happens again, I will be endangered.
So I'm fine.
Sometimes I feel so helpless.
There is nothing I can do.
Nothing I can do to help.
Nothing.
Ah well now I'm going to do my homework. I have gotten really bad at that. Good thing school is almost over.
So. Goodnight.
Spread the smiles, help someone out.
26.5.10
15.5.10
And sometimes you just have to let go, and fall.
I really do not like you.
So. I'll just tell you what I've been up to this weekend.
Friday, I did nothing. Looked up different medicine stuff. How much does what, how much kills.
Today, homework all day till the evening. My friend came over and we chilled and watched America's Next Top Model.
Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with a friend. The only one that I'm kind of close to and doesn't make me feel bad about myself. We're going to the movies and taking pictures in this creepy ally. I won't go alone, so I'm making her join me. :D
When I was younger, I was filled with so much rage. It started at about 8 or 9. When I discovered what an awful friend my best friend was. Before then I was so happy and cheerful and tried my best to help anyone in need. I was so perfect, I guess. But then 8 came, and I was so mad. Just so fucking angry with everything. Then around 11 or 12 it started to fade, replaced with sorrow. And since I've come to such a loss as to how one can hate anything so much. I have some things I greatly dislike but very few that I'd call hate. But I feel my rage growing. Completely unreasonable rage to. Actually. When I was 11 or so, I turned the hate to myself. And that seems reasonable, but lately I've been putting it elsewhere. For no reason. I haven't bursted yet, but in my head rather than hate myself I've turned it to others.
I guess I'm just trying to say, that I'm terrified of turning into that person again.
It goes against everything I believe in. Everything I try to be true to.
Hmmm...
I'm so over this.
People are so fucking stupid.
UGHHHHHHHHH.
I hate it.
Because I know I'm wrong. But it still bothers the fucking hell out of me.
I CANNOT STAND IT.
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
Makes me feel so goddamn useless.
But that's my fault.
It's my fault for thinking that.
I should just be happy for you.
I should just not care so much.
Especially when it's stupid fucking insignificant things that don't matter at all!
So it's my fault.
Get happier and happier, and farther and farther away from this dreadful place.
Oh I don't blame you.
I'm the only one who sees this invisible devil underneath the surface.
If I'm the only one, I must be wrong.
But I don't want to be wrong. I'm always wrong.
That's all there is.
Everything I am is wrong.
People say.
Or they say, I'm right, they just don't care. Or they just think it's easier otherwise.
It's like I've been brainwashed to believe that I'm wrong.
I believe it.
I believe that there is something horribly wrong in my head.
But not wrong enough.
Not wrong enough for people to care, or for it to need to be fixed.
Never enough....
Never fucking enough.
Well... I dunno. I'm just being stupid.
Goodnight.
So. I'll just tell you what I've been up to this weekend.
Friday, I did nothing. Looked up different medicine stuff. How much does what, how much kills.
Today, homework all day till the evening. My friend came over and we chilled and watched America's Next Top Model.
Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with a friend. The only one that I'm kind of close to and doesn't make me feel bad about myself. We're going to the movies and taking pictures in this creepy ally. I won't go alone, so I'm making her join me. :D
When I was younger, I was filled with so much rage. It started at about 8 or 9. When I discovered what an awful friend my best friend was. Before then I was so happy and cheerful and tried my best to help anyone in need. I was so perfect, I guess. But then 8 came, and I was so mad. Just so fucking angry with everything. Then around 11 or 12 it started to fade, replaced with sorrow. And since I've come to such a loss as to how one can hate anything so much. I have some things I greatly dislike but very few that I'd call hate. But I feel my rage growing. Completely unreasonable rage to. Actually. When I was 11 or so, I turned the hate to myself. And that seems reasonable, but lately I've been putting it elsewhere. For no reason. I haven't bursted yet, but in my head rather than hate myself I've turned it to others.
I guess I'm just trying to say, that I'm terrified of turning into that person again.
It goes against everything I believe in. Everything I try to be true to.
Hmmm...
I'm so over this.
People are so fucking stupid.
UGHHHHHHHHH.
I hate it.
Because I know I'm wrong. But it still bothers the fucking hell out of me.
I CANNOT STAND IT.
It makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
Makes me feel so goddamn useless.
But that's my fault.
It's my fault for thinking that.
I should just be happy for you.
I should just not care so much.
Especially when it's stupid fucking insignificant things that don't matter at all!
So it's my fault.
Get happier and happier, and farther and farther away from this dreadful place.
Oh I don't blame you.
I'm the only one who sees this invisible devil underneath the surface.
If I'm the only one, I must be wrong.
But I don't want to be wrong. I'm always wrong.
That's all there is.
Everything I am is wrong.
People say.
Or they say, I'm right, they just don't care. Or they just think it's easier otherwise.
It's like I've been brainwashed to believe that I'm wrong.
I believe it.
I believe that there is something horribly wrong in my head.
But not wrong enough.
Not wrong enough for people to care, or for it to need to be fixed.
Never enough....
Never fucking enough.
Well... I dunno. I'm just being stupid.
Goodnight.
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