ROAR haha

I don't understand.

Nope. Not at all.

I want it all fucking gone.

I can't tell if you're lying.
I can't tell if you care.
I can't figure out what you want.
I can't figure out what I want.

I just don't fucking know.

I just want the truth. No matter how much damage it'll do to my health.

I just don't want to be me. Or. I guess I just don't want to be anyone.

We all have problems and I can't deal with issues.

Hmm...

I know she's hurting.
I know she feels so lost.
I know she's trying to hide it.
I know.
I know she wants someone to help out.

I just can't.
I don't see the good.
I focus on the bad.
I make happy people sad, and the sad I just destroy.
She doesn't want me to see. She wants someone else.
Our ideals and values don't match up. At all.
We can't talk about anything without disagreeing.
My ideas are based on my views on life and whatever. And same goes for her.

This is a friend that I'm talking about. In case you were wondering.

Hmm... History is over. Finally. But. Eh. I failed. So doesn't make me feel better that it's over.

Haha.

I'm reading this diary I've had since I was like 7.
I never write in it anymore. But I read it sometimes.
I remember all my 7-year-old secrets. Haha

Stop feeling sorry for yourself people!

Okay. Well. I must get ready. For the day.
Spread the smiles. :D

How?

So... I realize I have been gone for a bit.
Honestly all I have been doing is stupid goddamn history. AP test on friday. I'm preparing to fail. UGH. My best friend today, was sitting there complaining about how on the practice tests she does worse than everyone except me. :( Gee thanks. That's a real confidence booster. Bleh. Whatever. I'm going to fail. No matter what I do will change that.

I hate everything.
Stupid goddamn school.
Stupid goddamn attention whores.
Stupid mother fucking asshole teacher.
Stupid homework.
Stupid secrets.
Stupid life.
Stupid tests.
Stupid weather.
Stupid me.
Stupid people.
BLEH.

Ha I'm sorry. I'll try an not be so goddamn annoying.
Heh. I'm just annoying. I'm sorry, I suggest you just stop talking to me or whatever.

I just don't feel very great.

I just need summer.

Bleh...

Fuck I hate this.

I'm just sleep deprived, stressed, semi-sick, annoyed, you know, the normal.
Haha I'm kind of just an uptight unaccepting unreasonable psychopathic asshole. Lovely.

I fucking hate everything.
Sick of people having sex with everyone.
Sick of people doing drugs even if it's just pot. I don't fucking care, it's not an excuse to do it everyday. I don't even think people should more than like once a month.
Sick of people drinking.
Sick of people thinking they're so awesome.
Sick of my fucking asshole mother.
Sick of all the people who change around people.
Sick of people telling me I'm wrong. I know, okay? Please at least if you're going to say so, tell me how to fix it.
Sick of people enjoying causing harm on others.
I don't like high school.
No, I don't care the this girl had sex with him and gave him a blow job. Honestly if they're happy and not fucking with others emotions I really don't give a fuck, stop trying to make the people involved look bad. Yeah the girl's a slut and the guy's are asses. So what! Let them be. You don't have to fucking get involved. If the girl understands that the guy doesn't fucking give a shit then go the hell a ahead.
No, I don't want to go smoke with you and your ex-girl friend.
Yes, I know you're smarter than me, skinnier than me, more interesting than me, prettier than me, better than me in every way. I know I don't compare, you don't need to put me in my place. I know where I belong.
No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I've never had one. Because I am far to cynical to think it will be all good and happy in the end. The middle may be amazing but it's not worth it. I'm only in high school.
Leave me alone...
I just want to go lay under the sky. And I don't want to ever get back up.

I feel like a little three year old surrounded by teens. I don't understand shit and I'm simply a nuisance. I'm just a little kid, and I'm not supposed to be around these fucking dumbass teens. I'm supposed to be enjoying every little thing I lay my eyes on. But I ventured to far and got stuck in the crowd of teens, lost and small and unseen and I don't know what's going on. Something's not right. Really fucking broken. How'd this happen....?

How the hell did it get to this?
And this isn't even comparable to bad, how?
How...?




IDK. I'm sorry. Just stop reading these. :)
Bye.
Spread those smiles.

Dreams!

Okay so this is just going to be a short little post.

Yesterday I decided to make a blog for my dreams.
So I have done that now.
http://mysubconsciencestories.blog.com
:)
Check it out if you like. It's not so interesting, but yeah. I thought it could be kinda fun. Dreams are kind of interesting right?
I am not so good at writing them though because I seriously lack explaining skills but... yeah. I tried.

So yep. :)
I thought I'd just let you know.

Spread the smiles.

My life is easy.

Oh so easy.

Uhm. It's been a few days.
Haven't been up to anything really.
Other than studying, freaking out, and yesterday I went to a metal show. And today Sierra came over. And some minor drama.

So like I said a while ago,
I build up walls, and I really don't like when I think they're coming down.
When I feel like they're falling, I'll try and replace one wall with a 30.
It's not just other people and things that tear the walls down though, I pull them down too.
I just want my damn walls but I wish I didn't feel like they were so necessary.
Perhaps I'm just trying to hide my pure insanity.
Don't worry, it's probably better for the both of us if we keep the walls up and strong.
Hmmm idk...

I've decided I'm insane. Certifiably insane.

Hmmm. So I think it's incredibly annoying when people who are any minority, or anyone that is pick on, or oppressed, think that because they have been through such harassment they're better people then those who haven't, or that they deserve more.
Yes, it's terrible that they were put down for whatever it may be.
But just because one person has been through such a thing, and one hasn't, does not make it okay for that person to be treated better or differently. It's the same thing!
Just because I'm white, and not dirt poor, does not mean I hate all black people and I should be treated as less because there are no hardships in my life. Just because I'm white, and I live in a good neighborhood. Just because my life is pretty fucking easy compared to many. I'm still human. I still feel. Perhaps I lack the experience of pain and hardship then many, but does that really make it okay to just assume things and make me feel like there is something wrong with me? With how I was raised? With who my parents are?
They worked hard to get where they're at, and they keep working hard to stay there. Just because I was born into a family with it's head above water, does not mean I like to walk on the little people. It does not mean anything.
Stereotypes are so damn irritating.
Yes I am a spoiled, and dearly ungrateful little kid. I am one of those annoying little teens who complain complain complain without even knowing what pain might feel like.
I waste my time complaining, and feeling hopeless, when honestly I have no reason to.
No reason compared to many.
So maybe they're right.
I'm spoiled. I don't know what pain is.
Maybe I should be punished for it. So I can understand what it is that hurts so much.
Yes I've hurt. I've felt pain, but only pain I brought on myself. Never from someone else. Only from my little brain that is always wrong.
I have never felt like a huge part of the world despises me or a big part of me.
I have felt like a very small minor part of this city hates me though.
But that's not comparable.
Or is it?
Can I take my pathetic little hardships and compare them to those of many of my friends?
Most people?
My life is easy.
I can't compare.

So I don't know if that really made sense. Haha I can't make up my mind long enough to write even one little paragraph without change my mind at least twice. I told you, I'm insane. And that is just one little itsy bisy issue that really doesn't compare to my insanity.

So I used to have this idea that why one little thing can cause one person so much pain, and one nearly none, is because things effect us each differently depending on what the norm in in someone's life. So for example, say a kid grows up and during his life he experiences many hardships and deaths. And another person grows up and lives a life in luxury with few disturbances to cause emotional destruction. Say each of these people have a friend shot by a person who hated their for some reason or another. For the first person, yes it'll impact them and cause them heartache, but they will know how to deal with it because of their previous events. The second person will be so unused to the feeling of pain and it will throw everything off balance. Like if our lives were graphs. Each incident will go to certain length depending on the severity. So if there are only little bumps on the graph, a big one will stick out much more than if there were only big bumps. But also I thought that eventually some people would just be pushed over the edge and break down.
Anyways. I don't know if that makes sense or if I really even think so. Maybe to a certain extent.
Idk. I didn't really have a point with writing about it..

So anyways...
I was thinking about depression the other day.
And I was debating wether or not depression needs to be medically treated.
And yes I know there are some cases that it definitely does because of a chemical deficiency or whatever.
But I think often it could be treated without medication.
But then there have been times when I have thought I was depressed and now and then I still wonder.
But if I did, I would basically just be calling myself pathetic for not being able to deal with anything.
But I already agree with that.
And I don't think I am depressed.
But then when I am feeling that way, I feel like there is no escape. And I just pull myself down farther and farther and I can't stop it. But perhaps that's just because I'm pathetic.
I kind of forgot where I was going with this. Stupid interruptions.

Well before this gets to long, I'm going to say goodbye.
I don't want to bore you to death. That is definitely not the plan.
Spread the smiles my friends and foes.
You'll have a better chance to commit your evil successfully with a smile on for face.

People kinda suck.

People kinda suck.

ha I've kinda been gone a while again. Sorry... Since sunday I've been getting less coughy. But I feel fine. I just keep coughing! So annoying.
Monday I went home after school and did a ton of homework.
Tuesday school then I just did more homework.
Wednesday went to school then I went for a walk and took photos. :)
Thursday my friend came over after school and we cooked dinner for my family and then spent like 5 hours sitting on my roof. :D
Friday/Today went to school then went home made yummy food and then walked a few miles and went to a dance concert with some friends then we walked around and went to a park. :D

So last half of the week has been pretty great.
Though I'm freaking out for my AP US history test in a few weeks... I'm gonna fail and it's gonna be sad!

Anyways back to the first thing I said, people suck.
I just don't like them.
Why do they have to change?
and get into things that fuck them up?
and be selfish and self-centered?
Why the fuck do they act so dumb?
Why do they think anything they do even fucking matters?
Ha idk. I don't make sense.
So yeah...

I'm glad my parents are gone.
Or my mother... haha I'm a terrible daughter.
Just she's SO loud.
She just yells all the time.
It makes my head ache.

Anyways. I don't really know what to say.
Cuz I don't wanna talk about really depressing things and make you all depressed.
So. I shall just repress this thoughts/feelings till they learn to hide themselves. :)

Short. But goodbye.
Spread the smiles.

I just want to feel normal again.

I want to feel something.
I want to fucking FEEL something.
Something else that is.
I feel plenty.
But nothing I want to feel.
Every moment I'm alone or whatever, I feel like this.
I don't want to fucking feel this way.
I want something else.
I want to have hope.
I want to want someone.
I want to want something.
Something I can get some day.
Not any of this shit I want now.
I won't fucking get it.
I want to feel happy.
I want to feel good about myself.
I want to feel hopeful.
I want to feel like it will be okay.
I know it will be okay.
It won't be perfect but it'll be okay.
It's pretty okay right now too.
But I want to FEEL okay.
I want to feel like it will be okay.
I don't want to feel like I have to hide my thoughts and feelings and everything.
Why can't I just not think those thoughts? Or feel those feelings?
Or why are those thoughts and feelings so damn unacceptable?
Why can't I be mad? Why can't I be sad? Why can't I fucking scream when I want to?
Why do I feel like I must be like everyone else?
Why do I feel like I can't do it?
WHY????
Why the fuck do I have to want to be alive?
Why can't I just say, "it's all for you guys"?
Cuz I'm a self-centered bitch and if it was all for you, I'd be fucking awful at it.
Why can't I just be happy with who I am?
And who everyone else is?
Why do I have to think the world is so fucking flawed?

I think I'm just crazy.
I think.

I'm fine.
I always feel this way, I'm not just freaking out.
Sometimes I just start asking questions.
Sometimes I just don't want to let it go.
Sometimes I think maybe it'll change.
But it won't. Which is good. I can't deal with change.
Then I have to change to.
And who knows how messed up I'll be then.

So.... Yeah.
It may seem like I'm miserable, but I'm not.
I'm just as I've been all year.
I just want to feel something.
Something that won't just fall apart.
I want something stable.
I'm a lot better than I was.
As long as I don't fall back.
But I won't. I can't let that happen.

I should learn to care less.
Not take everything so seriously.
Not wonder if people actually care about the answer.
I'll try.

So goodnight....
I have SOOOOOOOOOOOO much homework.
Spread the smiles. :D

I Just Don't Know.

Alright... So I realize I've been gone for a bit.
I dunno.
I've been sick.
And just sad I suppose.
So first off I'll tell you about what I've been up to for the past 10 days or so.
So last thursday I was with Lukas and Amanda. We just hung out.
Friday, was spirit bowl. Not super fun. But after I hung with Sierra.
Saturday I started feeling more sick, and for a in the morning I felt like I was gonna pass out. But then I started feeling a little better and Sierra slept over anyways. We just watched movies and fun.
Then sunday till wednesday I laid in bed and felt like shit. My grandma came on wednesday evening.
Thursday Amanda and I went on a walk/snowball fight. And then Liz came over and we watched horror movies all night. :D
And today I've just been trying to catch up on homework.
So my spring break was half wasted... :/ But oh well! I'm feeling much better.
Oh also. I told Cricles. I told him how I used to feel.

So uh yeah.
I feel odd.
Empty.
Like all my efforts are fucking worthless.
But.
I already knew that.
Why should they be of any worth?
I don't know anything about anything.
I know nothing.
But I feel like so what?
So what?
I just don't care.
I don't fucking care.
Why should I?
I can't make any kind of change with my morals.
My morals are who I am.
They never really change, perhaps bend a little, but mostly just become more detailed so to speak.

I dunno what I'm saying now.

Hmmm...
So I dunno.

Don't know anything.
Don't know what's gonna happen.
Don't know what I want.
Don't know what's possible.
Don't know what's reasonable.
Don't know what I have.
Don't know what I think.
Don't know how I feel.

I just don't fucking know.

I don't know what I can trust.

I don't know..

So.

Goodbye.
Spread the smiles.