I just want to feel normal again.

I want to feel something.
I want to fucking FEEL something.
Something else that is.
I feel plenty.
But nothing I want to feel.
Every moment I'm alone or whatever, I feel like this.
I don't want to fucking feel this way.
I want something else.
I want to have hope.
I want to want someone.
I want to want something.
Something I can get some day.
Not any of this shit I want now.
I won't fucking get it.
I want to feel happy.
I want to feel good about myself.
I want to feel hopeful.
I want to feel like it will be okay.
I know it will be okay.
It won't be perfect but it'll be okay.
It's pretty okay right now too.
But I want to FEEL okay.
I want to feel like it will be okay.
I don't want to feel like I have to hide my thoughts and feelings and everything.
Why can't I just not think those thoughts? Or feel those feelings?
Or why are those thoughts and feelings so damn unacceptable?
Why can't I be mad? Why can't I be sad? Why can't I fucking scream when I want to?
Why do I feel like I must be like everyone else?
Why do I feel like I can't do it?
WHY????
Why the fuck do I have to want to be alive?
Why can't I just say, "it's all for you guys"?
Cuz I'm a self-centered bitch and if it was all for you, I'd be fucking awful at it.
Why can't I just be happy with who I am?
And who everyone else is?
Why do I have to think the world is so fucking flawed?

I think I'm just crazy.
I think.

I'm fine.
I always feel this way, I'm not just freaking out.
Sometimes I just start asking questions.
Sometimes I just don't want to let it go.
Sometimes I think maybe it'll change.
But it won't. Which is good. I can't deal with change.
Then I have to change to.
And who knows how messed up I'll be then.

So.... Yeah.
It may seem like I'm miserable, but I'm not.
I'm just as I've been all year.
I just want to feel something.
Something that won't just fall apart.
I want something stable.
I'm a lot better than I was.
As long as I don't fall back.
But I won't. I can't let that happen.

I should learn to care less.
Not take everything so seriously.
Not wonder if people actually care about the answer.
I'll try.

So goodnight....
I have SOOOOOOOOOOOO much homework.
Spread the smiles. :D