My life is easy.

Oh so easy.

Uhm. It's been a few days.
Haven't been up to anything really.
Other than studying, freaking out, and yesterday I went to a metal show. And today Sierra came over. And some minor drama.

So like I said a while ago,
I build up walls, and I really don't like when I think they're coming down.
When I feel like they're falling, I'll try and replace one wall with a 30.
It's not just other people and things that tear the walls down though, I pull them down too.
I just want my damn walls but I wish I didn't feel like they were so necessary.
Perhaps I'm just trying to hide my pure insanity.
Don't worry, it's probably better for the both of us if we keep the walls up and strong.
Hmmm idk...

I've decided I'm insane. Certifiably insane.

Hmmm. So I think it's incredibly annoying when people who are any minority, or anyone that is pick on, or oppressed, think that because they have been through such harassment they're better people then those who haven't, or that they deserve more.
Yes, it's terrible that they were put down for whatever it may be.
But just because one person has been through such a thing, and one hasn't, does not make it okay for that person to be treated better or differently. It's the same thing!
Just because I'm white, and not dirt poor, does not mean I hate all black people and I should be treated as less because there are no hardships in my life. Just because I'm white, and I live in a good neighborhood. Just because my life is pretty fucking easy compared to many. I'm still human. I still feel. Perhaps I lack the experience of pain and hardship then many, but does that really make it okay to just assume things and make me feel like there is something wrong with me? With how I was raised? With who my parents are?
They worked hard to get where they're at, and they keep working hard to stay there. Just because I was born into a family with it's head above water, does not mean I like to walk on the little people. It does not mean anything.
Stereotypes are so damn irritating.
Yes I am a spoiled, and dearly ungrateful little kid. I am one of those annoying little teens who complain complain complain without even knowing what pain might feel like.
I waste my time complaining, and feeling hopeless, when honestly I have no reason to.
No reason compared to many.
So maybe they're right.
I'm spoiled. I don't know what pain is.
Maybe I should be punished for it. So I can understand what it is that hurts so much.
Yes I've hurt. I've felt pain, but only pain I brought on myself. Never from someone else. Only from my little brain that is always wrong.
I have never felt like a huge part of the world despises me or a big part of me.
I have felt like a very small minor part of this city hates me though.
But that's not comparable.
Or is it?
Can I take my pathetic little hardships and compare them to those of many of my friends?
Most people?
My life is easy.
I can't compare.

So I don't know if that really made sense. Haha I can't make up my mind long enough to write even one little paragraph without change my mind at least twice. I told you, I'm insane. And that is just one little itsy bisy issue that really doesn't compare to my insanity.

So I used to have this idea that why one little thing can cause one person so much pain, and one nearly none, is because things effect us each differently depending on what the norm in in someone's life. So for example, say a kid grows up and during his life he experiences many hardships and deaths. And another person grows up and lives a life in luxury with few disturbances to cause emotional destruction. Say each of these people have a friend shot by a person who hated their for some reason or another. For the first person, yes it'll impact them and cause them heartache, but they will know how to deal with it because of their previous events. The second person will be so unused to the feeling of pain and it will throw everything off balance. Like if our lives were graphs. Each incident will go to certain length depending on the severity. So if there are only little bumps on the graph, a big one will stick out much more than if there were only big bumps. But also I thought that eventually some people would just be pushed over the edge and break down.
Anyways. I don't know if that makes sense or if I really even think so. Maybe to a certain extent.
Idk. I didn't really have a point with writing about it..

So anyways...
I was thinking about depression the other day.
And I was debating wether or not depression needs to be medically treated.
And yes I know there are some cases that it definitely does because of a chemical deficiency or whatever.
But I think often it could be treated without medication.
But then there have been times when I have thought I was depressed and now and then I still wonder.
But if I did, I would basically just be calling myself pathetic for not being able to deal with anything.
But I already agree with that.
And I don't think I am depressed.
But then when I am feeling that way, I feel like there is no escape. And I just pull myself down farther and farther and I can't stop it. But perhaps that's just because I'm pathetic.
I kind of forgot where I was going with this. Stupid interruptions.

Well before this gets to long, I'm going to say goodbye.
I don't want to bore you to death. That is definitely not the plan.
Spread the smiles my friends and foes.
You'll have a better chance to commit your evil successfully with a smile on for face.