...with all your might, to keep the peace. It's breaking. Breaking into little bits. We need a little piece over here please? We can stretch it across the country if that is the only way to get some... We need you. Must we do it on our own? We will, if we haven't another choice. A little help, any, would be appreciated greatly.
Love, your biggest enemy.
P.S.
I love you, even if I seem ungrateful. Sorry about that. We've been at war around here from the lack of your presence. If you can forgive, I'll gladly hold your hand again.
Hello. :)
Today has been odd. I don't know. I have much to much coffee in my system right now. :) haha
Lets see. So I slept terrible. Trying to make peace. But I can't decide. Not on one simple little thing. Other then I'm insane. I laid there. I just thought.
Why?
Why? Why why why why why.
You would have too. Let it go.
Yell. Scream.
Shut up.
What now? Do I do what I always do? Run. Run from everything.
What do I do. Nothing. Everything.
Scream. Cry.
Stop. Stupid. Dumb dumb dumb.
Trust.
No. No I can't.
Why?
I'm stupid. Don't talk to me.
You're fucking crazy.
I know. I know. I know. Fuck.
Stop it. It's not a big deal.
Yes it is.
Why?
I don't know. Maybe it isn't. So why?
I don't want to hurt.
Then don't. You don't need to. It's not necessary.
Anyways... thats what I spent the majority of the night doing in my little mind. (I'm sorry Duck. You don't want to know that. :) forgive me?)
Then morning came. Family left. Watched my little brother. Didn't do any homework... Little brother screamed and yelled and hit me every time I asked him to do anything. :/ I love him though. Duck and I talked. Fought I guess would be more appropriate. I'm sorry, again. I mostly was fighting with myself. :) Ha... Sorry.
Then a friend came over. I'm glad. I trust myself more with people around. I know I didn't want to drink. I would have failed then. I probably would have if she was either okay with drinking or not there. Maybe not. I'll never know. It's not important though. I didn't. Which is awesome! haha... sorry. coffee. haha.. :)
I forgive Duck. I do. I'm afraid though.... of a lot of things.
Hmm... What else? Circles. I haven't spoken to him for a week or something. Which is good. Thinking about him makes me want him. I don't want to want him. I just love fighting myself, eh? It probably seems that way. Haha... :)
Goooood night. Coffee. Was probably not something I should have had so much of. :D haha
SPREAD THE SMILES. :) It's important to keep people happy. Keep them thinking though tooooooooooooo.
I love you. :) Night. Bye. Ha! Done now.
7.2.10
Talk with the dead, they don't listen and they don't care.
Hello.
It feels like a monday. Like I'm supposed to be at school.
Glad it's not.
I hate when people make you the bad guy. My mother does it to me all the time. I do it to myself though too...so yeah I guess I shouldn't complain.
Hmm... I don't like my opinions. I know they aren't right, they need to be fixed. They cause problems. They are unreasonable. They aren't any good. Can I be a robot? It would be easier.
Is there a way to tell if I'm insane? If I'm really not at all normal or okay in my mind?
Anyways... I want a hug. Someone to tell me that it's okay. I know it is. I just don't trust my judgment. Why should I, I think I'm insane? I'm not mad. No... Mad is hard for me to maintain. Sad, but I know it's unreasonable. I don't want to be mean, but I'm not sure nice is a good choice. I can't be mean though without being mad at myself. Hm... maybe nothing is the best way to go. Careless. Carefree. Careful.
How are you?
I'm cold and tired.
Perfection. Is something I can only find away from humanity. Peace inside, perfection surrounding. I miss it. I live for that. It is just about the only way I can have thoughts that aren't negative. The war in my head needs to be halted. It's tired. We need a break. The little soldiers will riot and come after me instead of each other. I hate war. I hate a lot of things. War is on the top of the list. Along with revenge, violence, hatred, and lies.
I hate feeling them. Thinking of them. Everything.
Talk and make peace.
Think and stop unneeded harm.
Unreasonable.
Don't...
Hmm... Homework is in piles behind me. I'm going to tend to it.
Goodbye. Have a good day.
Keep spreading the smiles...
It feels like a monday. Like I'm supposed to be at school.
Glad it's not.
I hate when people make you the bad guy. My mother does it to me all the time. I do it to myself though too...so yeah I guess I shouldn't complain.
Hmm... I don't like my opinions. I know they aren't right, they need to be fixed. They cause problems. They are unreasonable. They aren't any good. Can I be a robot? It would be easier.
Is there a way to tell if I'm insane? If I'm really not at all normal or okay in my mind?
Anyways... I want a hug. Someone to tell me that it's okay. I know it is. I just don't trust my judgment. Why should I, I think I'm insane? I'm not mad. No... Mad is hard for me to maintain. Sad, but I know it's unreasonable. I don't want to be mean, but I'm not sure nice is a good choice. I can't be mean though without being mad at myself. Hm... maybe nothing is the best way to go. Careless. Carefree. Careful.
How are you?
I'm cold and tired.
Perfection. Is something I can only find away from humanity. Peace inside, perfection surrounding. I miss it. I live for that. It is just about the only way I can have thoughts that aren't negative. The war in my head needs to be halted. It's tired. We need a break. The little soldiers will riot and come after me instead of each other. I hate war. I hate a lot of things. War is on the top of the list. Along with revenge, violence, hatred, and lies.
I hate feeling them. Thinking of them. Everything.
Talk and make peace.
Think and stop unneeded harm.
Unreasonable.
Don't...
Hmm... Homework is in piles behind me. I'm going to tend to it.
Goodbye. Have a good day.
Keep spreading the smiles...
6.2.10
The world has a few flaws that make it so much prettier and interesting.
We all love to blame everyone else.
I try. I try to, every time I do something bad. Something bad on my standards that is.
Inside I know it's my fault. Inside I hate every single little possible thing. Inside my little head I doubt everything. Every single thing. Not a moment goes by with out doubt or hate. But also, I try to see the good in everything, and I do usually. But there is a problem. I focus on the bad things. The good things are good, they don't need to be fixed or changed, other people give them enough attention, right?
If we just held up ourselves and didn't mind anyone else, could we support ourselves?
If I'm mean enough, will everyone go away?
Do I want everyone to go away?
Would I be happy? Would I cry?
How would they feel?
Would it matter to them, would they move on?
Do I care if they are happy?
Why?
Why does it matter, we all end up in the dirt anyways?
Am I insane?
What do you think?
Will I agree, just to keep the peace?
Does peace exist, where each side is just as happy as the other, harmony?
Will the fear and the hate and the doubt grow?
Will it ever stop?
Will it burst through all the walls locking it next to me?
Will it escape and hurt everyone else?
Am I fucking crazy?
Yes.
No.
Hello.
Ha you might think I'm falling apart. I'm not. I've been in pieces for a while now. I think it's better that way. It's a puzzle something to distract from the horrid thing that it is.
Anyways. Let's not speak in tongues.
Today I woke up. After dreaming. I hate dreaming. This dream wasn't bad though, not compared to others. I was on the side of the road, (I had had this dream before, so I knew that soon a woman would pull up, put a gun to my head, drag me to her car, knock me out. Then I'd wake up in a cement room and she would shoot me.) This time though I ran. Thinking I didn't want to be killed. After say 10 minutes I decided to go back. On the way I saw another woman, she was running. Then I saw my killer in her fancy car turn the corner. I ran with the other woman. I was in the lead. The killer was chasing us on foot now through a trail in the woods. Being in the lead I thought the killer would just take the woman. The killer leaped to me and knocked me over, the woman kept running. I gave up. She dragged my to her car knocked me out. I woke up in the same cement room. She had a gun. Quickly I grabbed it. She was saying "you give the fucking gun to me. you wouldn't fucking shoot me." I said no and pointed it at myself. She started laughing, "this is fucking pathetic, you are going to kill myself? I should have just gotten the other girl, she wold have been easier to kill...if you were going to put up a fight. I wanted a challenge." She kept laughing and I said "I'm not going to let you kill me. You don't need to blacken your hands anymore. I'll do it. You won't let me leave alive anyways, even though I have the gun." Then I killed myself and woke up.
After that I did just about nothing. Took some photos with my papas film camera. :)
Some other stuff happened to. But I can write about it later. It's not so important.
Goooood bye dear people.
:) Spread the smiles, don't forget.
I try. I try to, every time I do something bad. Something bad on my standards that is.
Inside I know it's my fault. Inside I hate every single little possible thing. Inside my little head I doubt everything. Every single thing. Not a moment goes by with out doubt or hate. But also, I try to see the good in everything, and I do usually. But there is a problem. I focus on the bad things. The good things are good, they don't need to be fixed or changed, other people give them enough attention, right?
If we just held up ourselves and didn't mind anyone else, could we support ourselves?
If I'm mean enough, will everyone go away?
Do I want everyone to go away?
Would I be happy? Would I cry?
How would they feel?
Would it matter to them, would they move on?
Do I care if they are happy?
Why?
Why does it matter, we all end up in the dirt anyways?
Am I insane?
What do you think?
Will I agree, just to keep the peace?
Does peace exist, where each side is just as happy as the other, harmony?
Will the fear and the hate and the doubt grow?
Will it ever stop?
Will it burst through all the walls locking it next to me?
Will it escape and hurt everyone else?
Am I fucking crazy?
Yes.
No.
Hello.
Ha you might think I'm falling apart. I'm not. I've been in pieces for a while now. I think it's better that way. It's a puzzle something to distract from the horrid thing that it is.
Anyways. Let's not speak in tongues.
Today I woke up. After dreaming. I hate dreaming. This dream wasn't bad though, not compared to others. I was on the side of the road, (I had had this dream before, so I knew that soon a woman would pull up, put a gun to my head, drag me to her car, knock me out. Then I'd wake up in a cement room and she would shoot me.) This time though I ran. Thinking I didn't want to be killed. After say 10 minutes I decided to go back. On the way I saw another woman, she was running. Then I saw my killer in her fancy car turn the corner. I ran with the other woman. I was in the lead. The killer was chasing us on foot now through a trail in the woods. Being in the lead I thought the killer would just take the woman. The killer leaped to me and knocked me over, the woman kept running. I gave up. She dragged my to her car knocked me out. I woke up in the same cement room. She had a gun. Quickly I grabbed it. She was saying "you give the fucking gun to me. you wouldn't fucking shoot me." I said no and pointed it at myself. She started laughing, "this is fucking pathetic, you are going to kill myself? I should have just gotten the other girl, she wold have been easier to kill...if you were going to put up a fight. I wanted a challenge." She kept laughing and I said "I'm not going to let you kill me. You don't need to blacken your hands anymore. I'll do it. You won't let me leave alive anyways, even though I have the gun." Then I killed myself and woke up.
After that I did just about nothing. Took some photos with my papas film camera. :)
Some other stuff happened to. But I can write about it later. It's not so important.
Goooood bye dear people.
:) Spread the smiles, don't forget.
Hate.
Morning. This is odd. Posting in the morning... :)
So...
I hate when people think they've got it so bad. Thinking that won't make it better. It will just makes them sit there and whine about how awful their life is. Yeah, it probably sucks a lot and they are really hurting but 99% of the time it could be sooooo sooooo soooooooooooooooooo much worse. They think they're life is over, but it isn't, only if you make it that way. People have to help themselves, because most of the time someone else won't be there to help. And if they are, do you think that they want to help? Yes, of course they want to, but they would be happier if there wasn't a problem in the first place. Even when I wanted to kill myself, I didn't think my life was terrible. I knew things could have been worse, I'm just a selfish coward. My life has never been really terrible. A lot of people would absolutely love a life like mine, if I could I'd give it to them. I'd let them take it, because I'm ungrateful and I bet they deserve it. Okay...I'm done. Ha I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just people annoy me. I know I should be more forgiving. Or I should just expect less of people, I don't meet up to my expectations either...
Hmm... I hate being disappointed in people. Well I only hate when they know.. Unless they don't care, which they shouldn't because my opinion is very insignificant.
I wish I could tell people that I don't care. That would be a lie though...
I hate when people say they don't care. They usually do, and they only say it because me, or someone is hurting them, and that is the only way they can think of to make it stop. Except for when they really don't care.
Ha kay. I'm weird. I know. I'm done.
Good morning.
I hope you all have a good day. :)
So...
I hate when people think they've got it so bad. Thinking that won't make it better. It will just makes them sit there and whine about how awful their life is. Yeah, it probably sucks a lot and they are really hurting but 99% of the time it could be sooooo sooooo soooooooooooooooooo much worse. They think they're life is over, but it isn't, only if you make it that way. People have to help themselves, because most of the time someone else won't be there to help. And if they are, do you think that they want to help? Yes, of course they want to, but they would be happier if there wasn't a problem in the first place. Even when I wanted to kill myself, I didn't think my life was terrible. I knew things could have been worse, I'm just a selfish coward. My life has never been really terrible. A lot of people would absolutely love a life like mine, if I could I'd give it to them. I'd let them take it, because I'm ungrateful and I bet they deserve it. Okay...I'm done. Ha I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just people annoy me. I know I should be more forgiving. Or I should just expect less of people, I don't meet up to my expectations either...
Hmm... I hate being disappointed in people. Well I only hate when they know.. Unless they don't care, which they shouldn't because my opinion is very insignificant.
I wish I could tell people that I don't care. That would be a lie though...
I hate when people say they don't care. They usually do, and they only say it because me, or someone is hurting them, and that is the only way they can think of to make it stop. Except for when they really don't care.
Ha kay. I'm weird. I know. I'm done.
Good morning.
I hope you all have a good day. :)
5.2.10
Tell me this is a dream? Tell me that I will wake up soon.
Evening, people.
So... I'm unreasonably mad. :) Haha
Thoughts banned from my mind are coming back.
All the laws have been broken.
The devils that were locked away,
are creeping out of the darkness.
Please, please stay away?
Please, please come.
Take me away.
Pull me in.
Make me hurt.
Tear me apart.
In your soft little devil hands.
Kill me.
Please...
Kay. I dunno what that is. Just thoughts. Thoughts running freely through my mind.
So, today was lame.. I finally understand chemistry though. Hopefully I can get my 35% up to an A.
My papa gave me (let me borrow) his film camera. I'm so excited! I can't wait. It's going to be very fun. :)
Umm... what else? I don't know. I'm freezing and my anger and worry and hatred and all lovely things is making my stomach hurt.
I'm so sick of people. I need to push them out of my life. I don't wanna fucking deal with all their shit. Like always. I'm a bitch... I wish I wasn't. Not that that makes it the slightest better. :)
My friend is home! She was just with me. :)
Umm... This is a lame post... Ha. All of them are though so... yep.
Lay in a snow-blanketed forest,
wait for the cold to creep in.
Let the snow melt beneath your skin.
Let the numbness take control of your brain.
Let yourself freeze.
Freeze till even thoughts can't move.
Don't lose consciousness,
just yet.
Slowly,
stand up.
Walk away,
from one life,
to the next.
Learn the same things.
It's all the same.
Ha again, I don't know. The first part is what I desperately want to so.
Well, I'm done for today. :)
Spread smiles around. Real ones.
Good,
bye.
:)
So... I'm unreasonably mad. :) Haha
Thoughts banned from my mind are coming back.
All the laws have been broken.
The devils that were locked away,
are creeping out of the darkness.
Please, please stay away?
Please, please come.
Take me away.
Pull me in.
Make me hurt.
Tear me apart.
In your soft little devil hands.
Kill me.
Please...
Kay. I dunno what that is. Just thoughts. Thoughts running freely through my mind.
So, today was lame.. I finally understand chemistry though. Hopefully I can get my 35% up to an A.
My papa gave me (let me borrow) his film camera. I'm so excited! I can't wait. It's going to be very fun. :)
Umm... what else? I don't know. I'm freezing and my anger and worry and hatred and all lovely things is making my stomach hurt.
I'm so sick of people. I need to push them out of my life. I don't wanna fucking deal with all their shit. Like always. I'm a bitch... I wish I wasn't. Not that that makes it the slightest better. :)
My friend is home! She was just with me. :)
Umm... This is a lame post... Ha. All of them are though so... yep.
Lay in a snow-blanketed forest,
wait for the cold to creep in.
Let the snow melt beneath your skin.
Let the numbness take control of your brain.
Let yourself freeze.
Freeze till even thoughts can't move.
Don't lose consciousness,
just yet.
Slowly,
stand up.
Walk away,
from one life,
to the next.
Learn the same things.
It's all the same.
Ha again, I don't know. The first part is what I desperately want to so.
Well, I'm done for today. :)
Spread smiles around. Real ones.
Good,
bye.
:)
4.2.10
Is the world falling apart? Are we being pulled into outer space?
Hello, Hello.
Go away now please.
:)
Not really. Ha I don't have time to do this, I don't know why I am.
Kay.. So I think that we ought to all be better people. Except... I'm a total hypocrite for saying that. I don't do anything to make anything better. I'm working on that... We all could be better people, but we aren't, so we don't try to be.... or I'm not going to say that. We don't try as much as we could. I shouldn't say that either... but I have never met someone who is different.
Today I saw a girl sitting outside my school, she had her hands covering her face and was obviously crying. I really wanted to just stay there and make sure she was alright... But that would be incredibly weird... and if it had been me I would NOT want someone trying to see if I was alright... :/
Anyways, each day comes and goes and nothing changes. I've been living on repeat for basically a year. The same god damn boring day. With a few exceptions. A few weekends ago, a few weeks of the summer, and a few other days. I've repeated the day I stopped feeling terrible over and over. I'm afraid to change anything. What if I fuck up again? I don't want to. I can't. So I'm fine with this. It's perfectly okay, I'm no longer miserable, thats my main goal. My friend Duck, he wants me to tell Circles... I fear it will cause problems... I'm a coward. I know. Anyways... The few times that haven't been repeat, were when I was in Sweden. And then when I was drunk. The first is good, perfect actually. The second though... not so much. I'm stopping though... So that's good I guess.. Hmm...
Anyways.. What else? I love photography. It's the best part of the day. The best part of the week. It's kind of absurd that it affects me so well. I love it though. I love being in beautiful places or finding beauty when it's not easy to see. I dunno. Haha I'm weird.
Lets see... Ummm... I have mounds of homework. Too much. I'm stressed. Oh well...
Goodbye for today.
Have a good evening :)
Go away now please.
:)
Not really. Ha I don't have time to do this, I don't know why I am.
Kay.. So I think that we ought to all be better people. Except... I'm a total hypocrite for saying that. I don't do anything to make anything better. I'm working on that... We all could be better people, but we aren't, so we don't try to be.... or I'm not going to say that. We don't try as much as we could. I shouldn't say that either... but I have never met someone who is different.
Today I saw a girl sitting outside my school, she had her hands covering her face and was obviously crying. I really wanted to just stay there and make sure she was alright... But that would be incredibly weird... and if it had been me I would NOT want someone trying to see if I was alright... :/
Anyways, each day comes and goes and nothing changes. I've been living on repeat for basically a year. The same god damn boring day. With a few exceptions. A few weekends ago, a few weeks of the summer, and a few other days. I've repeated the day I stopped feeling terrible over and over. I'm afraid to change anything. What if I fuck up again? I don't want to. I can't. So I'm fine with this. It's perfectly okay, I'm no longer miserable, thats my main goal. My friend Duck, he wants me to tell Circles... I fear it will cause problems... I'm a coward. I know. Anyways... The few times that haven't been repeat, were when I was in Sweden. And then when I was drunk. The first is good, perfect actually. The second though... not so much. I'm stopping though... So that's good I guess.. Hmm...
Anyways.. What else? I love photography. It's the best part of the day. The best part of the week. It's kind of absurd that it affects me so well. I love it though. I love being in beautiful places or finding beauty when it's not easy to see. I dunno. Haha I'm weird.
Lets see... Ummm... I have mounds of homework. Too much. I'm stressed. Oh well...
Goodbye for today.
Have a good evening :)
3.2.10
Spiral Down Into Oblivion...
Hello,
I may keep this... I don't know. Yet.
So anyways, what's up with you?
I think I did the dumbest thing. I've spent like a year trying to convince myself I don't "love" Circles. Quotations? Yes... I don't like that word. I don't believe in love... So yes. I don't know. And I don't really believe in high school love especially. Anyways. I admitted to myself, and a friend, that I do really miss him and could fall in love in a second again. Now i can't get him off my mind. Ugh. I know one day I'll look back and be like, "wow I was so lame ad so wrong." But... I don't know. So now... my friend wants me to tell him. But I just want to take the cowards way out and convince myself that it's all stupid and such. It is really stupid. I am. I know it's stupid but I still hope. Hope is the worst thing. Okay, thats a lie, it is what makes people pull through the hard times. But hope is the most dangerous thing when it is taken away... It hurts. So much. I don't want to hurt, no one does... Okay... I'm done with this. I'm going to make myself forget it.
Anyways, this week is so dumb. Sophomores have to take tests. Like 6th grade level tests. It's almost insulting.. ha :/
What else? Umm... My friend gets back soon! I'm excited. I miss her. Yay!
And... My phones broken... :( or kind of.
Oh, and this weekend my friend, best friend I guess you could say, is gonna sleepover. :) Last time... eh.. we weren't very good kids. But I promised Duck that I'd be good. Which is good. I need to change a few habits of mine, I'm working on it.
I love photography! It makes my day better. Ha..
Well, goodnight. I will do my homework. :) Not really... but I will pretend.
Buh bye!
I may keep this... I don't know. Yet.
So anyways, what's up with you?
I think I did the dumbest thing. I've spent like a year trying to convince myself I don't "love" Circles. Quotations? Yes... I don't like that word. I don't believe in love... So yes. I don't know. And I don't really believe in high school love especially. Anyways. I admitted to myself, and a friend, that I do really miss him and could fall in love in a second again. Now i can't get him off my mind. Ugh. I know one day I'll look back and be like, "wow I was so lame ad so wrong." But... I don't know. So now... my friend wants me to tell him. But I just want to take the cowards way out and convince myself that it's all stupid and such. It is really stupid. I am. I know it's stupid but I still hope. Hope is the worst thing. Okay, thats a lie, it is what makes people pull through the hard times. But hope is the most dangerous thing when it is taken away... It hurts. So much. I don't want to hurt, no one does... Okay... I'm done with this. I'm going to make myself forget it.
Anyways, this week is so dumb. Sophomores have to take tests. Like 6th grade level tests. It's almost insulting.. ha :/
What else? Umm... My friend gets back soon! I'm excited. I miss her. Yay!
And... My phones broken... :( or kind of.
Oh, and this weekend my friend, best friend I guess you could say, is gonna sleepover. :) Last time... eh.. we weren't very good kids. But I promised Duck that I'd be good. Which is good. I need to change a few habits of mine, I'm working on it.
I love photography! It makes my day better. Ha..
Well, goodnight. I will do my homework. :) Not really... but I will pretend.
Buh bye!
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