Mother.

I cannot stand my family.
No. No. That's a lie.
They're okay as long as my mother isn't home.
And if it's not just me and my brothers.
If it's my dad, brothers, and I it is just fine.
But the second my mom gets back the whole house turns into a big scream fest.
Because we clean and make it look nice for her arrival and the minute she walks through the door she just finds messes for us to clean up. She doesn't ask either, she just yells.
Nothing is ever good enough for her.
I don't get why she ever had kids. She'd be so much happier without them.
And then my brothers just have no respect for me whatsoever. Their favorite thing to do is spit on me or try to give me bruises.

Anyways. I just went on a walk. Before I went, I wrote that. Haha
Walks calm me down. They are my savior.

Ah.
I have a lot more to say but I won't because it'll make me sad... So... Yeah.

Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.

Distractions.

So. First I must say that strapless bras are not very comfortable.
I don't even know why I am wearing it. It's not like it matters... I'm wearing a big huge hideous jacket...
Ah. I don't know. I'm just losing my mind.
Ha. Okay.

Well anyways....
I have found a perfect distraction. Balloono. :)
I have lost hours because of this stupid game.
But it's perfect.
It keeps my mind occupied so I don't go thinking about things that never end well.
It's keeping me sane. At least enough that no one notices how incredibly little amount of sanity is actually left.

Though it also distracts me from doping what I should do...
Like my online classes.
Because I want to finish those before I leave for Sweden, but.... they really aren't going very fast.
Haha.... :)

So recently I have been talking to Cricles a bit often.
He say the worst things.
They make me miss him more than I'd like.
But he says he wants to hang out sometime... And I think I'd like that.
But... I kind of think it's a bad idea.
Stupid girlfriends. No. Just his is stupid.
I really don't like her.
Grrr.
I have reason too, not just because they're together. I promise..
:/

I wish I could drive already! GODDAMN.
Or at least my friends could.
But they're all lame and decided not to get their permit till like now, even though most of them could have gotten it last summer! They should have had their licenses for a couple of months by now!
Haha... Oh well.

Hmm... I hate not knowing some things.
Not knowing if someone really has an issue with you. They're just hiding it.
I do it. All the time. But it's easier for me that way.
I can change for someone, or keep something for their connivence.
So I always wonder if someone is doing the same for me... Because they don't need to.
Ah I dunno.

I wish I could just straight out ask anything I like.
Or just be able to know.
:/

Hmmm...
So my mother has been gone since yesterday.
She's not coming back till sunday, I think.
And I am stuck being my brothers' babysitter because my papa must work.
It sucks.
I hate my brothers. They are such assholes.
They enjoy causing me pain.
I think one of them is like psychopathic. The other is just an ass, he is just stupid.
But the littlest one, I just don't understand why the hell he has to be so mean.
Up till recently, everyone would be extra harsh on him because he is a big trouble maker. I had always been the one to make sure he was alright, or stand up for him, or whatever I could do to make him feel better. Now though, he just has no fucking respect for me. Yes he's 7, but that doesn't excuse his assholeness.
Anyways. Back to my mother.
She's gone. And once she comes back she's leaving like the next day again. And I have to watch them again. And before she left now, she had just been on another trip.
They don't even ask if I'll watch them.
Well they do.
But no is not something I can answer with.
So. They shouldn't even bother asking because it just makes me angry.

Haha. I'm done now.
SPREAD THE SMILES. :D
Drink Dr. Pepper. Yumm.

Boredom.

Alrighty. So... I'm kinda tired and don't know what to say.
I have been listening to this song for like the past hour.
It's so pretty. I wish I could sing it better.


So because I have nothing better to do, you can listen to me singing it! Hahaha


So. Yeah.... I am lovely at singing. Only not really. And some parts are awful. :D
Hahaha

Anyways...
Today was boring.
Fought with brothers.
Went to store.
Bought snacks.
Walked home in death heat.
Went to my first drivers ed test.
Very nervous.
Did fine.
Went home.
Did that silly video thing.
This.
:D
Haha..

I can't decide if I like salt and vinegar chips...
Yumm? Or no?

Change.

Yes I realize this is like my 4th post of the day...

So I need to listen to people.
And stop listening to myself.
And stop listening to people who aren't "good."

I'm sorry.
I have been forever awful at listening to people.
And it needs to change.

I focus on the bad.
And I need to change it.

I need to stop "punishing" myself.

I just need to fix some things.
Because I keep messing up and it isn't okay.

I don't care if I hurt myself, but I'm not okay if I hurt others.
I need to stop.
I shouldn't hurt anyone.
I am no exception.

So I'm sorry.
I need to work on myself some so I don't keep making messes for others to clean up.

I'll try.
I just need to not forget.

Goodnight.
Sleep well.
I love you, I never mean to hurt you.

I have been so bored all day.
Though I have so much to do.

I hate noticing how much I am like my mother.
We are so alike.
I promised myself I wouldn't be that way.
But I so often act exactly like she.
But what bothers me the most that's like her,
Is her self doubt.
When she's mad she takes it out on everyone.
And how she gets mad and then quickly realizes she's wrong.

I really don't want to be like her.
When I was a kid, I told myself that I wasn't going to be that way.
I loved my mom, but I didn't want to be like her at her worst.
As a grew up, she was her worse more and more each day.
And now I don't remember her any other way.

Hmmmm...
Anything I have to say can wait.
So I'm going to say goodnight.

The shield is rebuilt.

Past.

Alrighty. So these are just drafts that I never got around to finishing and whatnot or I just didn't feel like posting or something. :)
Just some of the things I never posted.
I'm only posting them because Anton wants me to.
They're really lame though. Just to warn you. :)

So I guess I'll go from oldest to newest?

2.25.10
Maybe maybe maybe.
That is all I know.

So.... I feel odd. I dunno. Happy, hopeful, yet hateful and pessimistic. It makes no sense really. I feel like I am at the bottom; dark and no escape. But it's like I am starting to get used to the dark. If that makes sense....


3.26.10
Where to go to be left unseen. And unheard. And alone.
This is where I want to be.
I just can't find it.


3.31.10
Not enough.
Selfish to even think I could be.


5.14.10
Some people are so irritating you just want to punch them in the face!
God...
They're so wrong about themselves and I just want to slap them and be like "Shut the fuck up! You aren't special, you're just like the rest of us." Some people just think all these things about them and they're so wrong about it...
Also. My gym teacher is a bastard. I do everything I'm supposed to but he hates me because of some stupid reason I am unaware of, so I cannot manage a better grade than a fucking C. Erggggg.
I'm sorry for spewing out my rage.
Ugh and my parents.
Everyone needs help. I know.
Help your goddamn self!

Haha... I'm definitely a nice person. :)


5.16.10
This world teaches you to scream and make a fuss, when you want something.
But really you can't do that at all.
We are setting us all up to fail.


5.20.10
Gahhh... I hate the past. Why must it haunt me?
If I saw how I am now, a year ago I would've been so pissed.

Can't I just destroy my brain so I don't have to feel?
So I don't have to think?

I don't really remember what this is about...


6.6.10
I wish someone would break my shell.
Find what's really going on.
I just can't let it happen.
I'd never heal if something happened.
And they wouldn't enjoy what they found.
So it's best it doesn't happen.

I want to just scream.
Nothing will make it better.

I can't stand what you do.
It hurts.
I just can't say it, because then it hurts you.
And that isn't something I can be okay with.

I don't want to hurt you. Especially not if it's you or I.

It's my fault.
All of my issues are my fault.
If only I were smarter.
If only I didn't get so caught up in stupid things.
If I wasn't so easily hurt.
The list goes on and on.

Hmmm...
Everyone seems to think I'm some cold hearted or heartless person...
I don't understand why...
Well. That's a lie.
I just wish people would look past what I say, and look at what I do instead.
Because they don't match..
It's all so inconsistent I would think people would notice, and either confront me or try and figure it out on their own.
I'm really bad with confrontation though... It makes my head spin and I don't make any sense.

I just wish someone would listen.
And hear it too.


6.8.10
I wish I could just not care. Because it makes me act so strange. And people mistake it for cold heartedness.
And that's not it at all...

I know it's unreasonable, and stupid!
My feelings generally are.

I'm just mean and heartless. Why can't people just decide that and move on? Rather then give me a chance and then throw my work to be good to them away?
I don't want to blame it on them.
Because I has to be my fault, I'm the common denominator.
I can't get close to people. It's a problem. Just like everything else about me...

But I'm trying to fix it. You're right, I'm wrong. I just have to tell myself that. Again and again.
Hopefully it'll stick.
Hopefully I can be better for you.


6.12.10
I need to get away.
Get away so I don't break open.
I feel fucking insane.
I just need to go somewhere where people can't get to me.


Alright. Well that was fun... :)
Lame, I know.
Good morning.
Spread the smiles.
Bake cookies.