Abandonment.

That always how I will see it.
Always deep down I will feel abandoned.
It is the explanation for everything.
And I will place many things before it, and claim they are to blame.
But I am this being because I was betrayed and abandoned.

I'll say it's my fault. For any logical reason.
I'll say I'm just sensitive. And I am...
But those moments effected me.
They infected me.
And forever I had been changed.

Gone were the fairy tales. Gone was the happiness.
What ever have you done to me?
And yet I still blame me.

At least I'm not the only one who sees it... Not the only one who worries...
Oh that makes me feel a thousand times less insane.
Don't just brush it off.... Oh please....
And here I am just talking to myself, because who's listening?

I was taken, and formed.
We fit.
And we stayed like so, till I was solid.
Then he felt the need to find a new shape, and threw me out.
So I was alone, falling.
And I hit the ground hard.
And I shattered.
Then I saw you, and I saw you were just as broken as I was.
So I took my pieces and placed them together just enough.
So I could make it to your side, and help you out.
And we put you together so you were like me.
Just barely together.
And we fixed each other as best we could.
Then, you took this mask, and pretended to be whole.
And all the other whole beings, took you in.
And well I was here, and I wondered how you could just pretend.
Even though it actually hurt you more, and you were breaking again.
If we just were together more, we could make ourselves whole.
But now, I was alone.
And though I'd put myself back together better, I was still alone.
You would come back every night.
So we could repair some damage from the pretending you did.
We'd just fix the damage you'd done to yourself.
And soon enough, I understood.
It felt good to destroy myself.
It felt like I was at least successful at something.
And I never hurt myself more than I could bare.
It just felt good to be in power, to have power over my poor weak soul.
And you didn't notice.
But then, it felt like I was addicted to the power.
It was like the devil was holding my hand.
And I had lost track of you.
But you lost track of me too.

And these are the reasons I must suffer alone.

I suppose not really alone.
But there is an invisible shield around me, and I'd love to let you in.
But I'll never speak it, because you'll never hear it.
So alone I must be, but I'll stand by you.

DO YOU NOT FUCKING GET IT?!

Ha.

Hmmm... I neglect this blog...
Uhm. I've been trying to keep a journal. But I really fail at writing in it...
Haha.
I always feel so... replaceable. I always feel like everyone would rather be with/have/talk to/whatever someone else, someone better, someone prettier, someone smarter, someone different.

If only I voiced my opinions.... But then we would fight, and I hate fighting.... Because all it tells me is I'm wrong. And I'm so sick of feeling wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. If I do one thing right, I have another thousand things I do wrong. And even if you love me this way, and want me this way, I'll never be able to be okay with doing anything wrong....

I dunno....
I hate feelings.
I hate doubt.
I hate this.

I love you.
Smile, for that is what I live for.
Good day to you.

Oh, and I wonder...
What would you do if you saw me like this?

Your crimes equally as wrong, though one I shall never forgive.
Oh I wish I were you.