The enemy doesn't understand "Go away."

Somebody stole my brain and mushed it all up with a hammer.
Then they were so kind to return it to me.
When it no longer has any use to me.
I'd prefer them to keep it.

I feel so angry.
But there is nothing to be angry at.
And the reason I'm mad is really stupid.
And just gives me more reason to be.
And I'm just so goddamn irritating. And it irritates everyone else.
And they're suffering and I am too. And someone just out to put a bullet through my fucking skull.
Not really... But I wish someone could kill that stupid part of me. That goddamn irritating part that just fucking gets in the way and messes up everything. The part of me that keeps me feeling so isolated. So hopeless and alone. So damaged. So fucking screwed up.
I want that part of me gone.
I don't know how to escape it.
I don't know how I can possibly escape myself.
That's always been the dilemma.
How does one get away from one's own self?

Why can't I just say okay and be content?
Just let everything go.

I was not made to be close to people.
And I don't want to be with many.
But I wish I could just maintain being close with like 1 or 2 people. Goddamn.

I wish I could just tell what's reasonable, what's crazy, what's okay, what's wrong, what's true, everything...
I just wish I could be perfect for someone.
And they could be for me.
And I wouldn't push them away.
And they wouldn't let me walk away.
And they'd understand all my weird ways of thinking and describing things...
I dunno.

My crazy just makes everyone leave.
And I guess it's more me leaving then them.

Well... Goodnight.
Spread the smiles.
I love you.

I need something to make me sleep.... being awake is torture.

Run and crawl.

Perfect.
Perfect.
That is what you need to be.
That is what you here.
You have to be perfect.
Anything less is failure.

That's what I tell myself.
Not necessarily on purpose. But I have this image that I have to be, I have to achieve it otherwise I fail. And everything I do, must be just as perfect otherwise I fail.
Just how it is in my mind...

Ah... So. Finally this stressful is coming to an end.
Hopefully my grades don't die completely.
Hopefully my parents don't see my midterms...
Well actually my grades are fine. But I have an F. The rest are A's. And the F is for some unknown reason. I think my teacher just hates me...

I just feel like I'll always be up against something a thousand times better, in every way. Even if it's not true, that just how I feel...

The world disgusts me. High school is disgusting.
I hate being so little.
Everything I say can just be dismissed. I'm only 15. Hell, I don't know anything!
It's so irritating.

Meh. I jut wish I was done with high school and college and could be out living somewhere.

This book in english we're reading, Crime and Punishment, well we're done with it now. But yeah. I really don't like it. But it's interesting. And there are a few quotes that I just think are so perfect. They describe me or I agree completely with them. Haha. It's kinda said though. Cuz the main guy is insane, and he is a bit like me. Haha.

Good afternoon!
Spread the smiles.
I wish I could love you and you could love me.

Close your eyes.

Take them by the hands.
Show them what is out there.
Teach them that the world is cold.
Don't let them believe all is good and pure.
For when they learn otherwise, they well be crushed, and will need a hand to hold.

:) Hello!
School is killing me. And I'm falling behind. And yeah. Well I'm not quite falling behind yet, but school is really hard to keep up with.
I just feel so out of place. And like everyone else knows what they're doing.
And I'm just standing around looking confused.
I don't know where to go or what to do.
I'm just lost. Completely.
For some horrible reason, I care way to much about school.

Ah. Well I've got to go. Ha
Lame post, but that's okay.
I've been horrible at posting...
Goodbye!
Spread the smiles.
Don't let me believe in the fairy tale. Please someone, wake me up.

I realize I've been gone.. Failing to do this... I'm sick. :( And been busy. So... Yeah..

Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person.
1. I'm worried about you.
2. I love you.
3. I miss you.
4. Stop.
5. It'll be just fine.
6. Sorry I'm not good enough for you.
7. I wish you didn't keep track of the score.
8. I'm jealous of you..
9. :)
10. I love you!

Day 5: 10 wishes.
1. I wish you cared more about yourself...
2. I wish to not be sick!
3. I hope it'll be alright.
4. I wish I could understand myself.
5. I wish people could be less annoying.
6. I wish humanity wasn't so horrible.
7. I wish I never had to speak.
8. I wish I didn't feel so inadequate.
9. I wish religion wasn't so important to everyone.
10. I wish people could get along better.

Day 6: 10 items you can’t live without.
1. Well... Food. Like mangos!
2. Water.
3. A home?
4. Cleanliness?
5. Certain people.
6. Books.
7. Technology..
8. Music?
9. Art?
10. Photography?
Some things I could live without... But I'd be miserable.... :) Or just not happy? I had to pick 10 things... Thats a lot...

Day 7: 10 important people.
1. Lizzzzy.
2. Anton.
3. Sierra.
4. This is hard... Claire.
5. Fiona.
6. Colton....
7. Amanda
8. Dee
9. Oden
10. Marie
Important to me that is. And some aren't really that important...

Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs.
1. A rush of blood to the head.
2. Green eyes.
3. Run.
4. It's beginning to get to me.
5. Chasing cars.
6. Creep.
7. Don't panic.
8. Fix you.
9. Electric feel.
10. Undisclosed desires.

Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart.
Uhm...
1. Be kind?
2. Be shy?
3. Be cute/adorable?
4. Be able to deal with my insanity?
5. Pay attention?
6. Don't leave...
7. I really don't know... Don't let me doubt?
8. Remind me that you love me?
9. Try to understand?
10. Be honest...

Day 10: Final 10 words.
1. Scream.
2. Breath.
3. Live.
4. Laugh.
5. Lie.
6. Break.
7. Forget.
8. Hurt.
9. Heal.
10. Scar.

So. Yeah. Interesting! Not really... :)
School is terrible. And kills my poor little soul.
Goodbye!
Spread the smiles...

Day 3: 10 things you hate
1. Emotions.
2. People that I don't know.
3. People I do know that are generally not good people, in my definition.
4. Myself.
5. Human nature.
6. War.
7. Revenge.
8. Violence.
9. The human body.
10. Stupidity, such as faith.

Haha. All these things have to do with humanity. Silly.
And a LOT more. Most of which also has to do directly with the human race.
Haha.. I'm a terrible person...

Spread the smiles!
Be happy!
Ah. I dunno. Don't be hateful, like me... Well. Only be hateful of things that deserve it. Haha.

Day 2: 10 things you love
1. Friends
2. Forests
3. Mushrooms
4. Jellyfish
5. Sweden
6. Shadows
7. Pretty things?
8. Photography
9. Certain people
10. Singing

Haha. Pretty exciting...

I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say...
Spread the smiles!