I'm not scared of dying. It's just never ending blackness, nothingness... It's nothing. Nothing to feel, think, do, say, be, see, know, nothing at all. I fear much more the torture it would be for those still in the colorful world. Those still breathing and thinking and feeling. Because they would hurt. And I can't do that to them. I can't do something that, doesn't even really matter to me, when it matters a lot to others. I don't want to die. No... I just find life utterly useless and unimportant. There's no real reason to go, but not any reason to stay. Stay, for others. To save them from the pain.

"Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us, that we now send our children into the world, like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return? But knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way, consumed by the shadows swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?" - One Tree Hill.
This episode make me cry....
Uhm. Yeah...
So. I don't really have anything to say. So... :)
Bye bye.

It's kind of funny, how you can tell people you're happy and fine, and they don't doubt it. Even if it takes you 10+ minutes to make yourself say it.

Sorry I kinda don't come around here anymore.
Things have been rather bleh lately.
But I dunno.
I don't do any homework. Because I'm always with other people. Because I don't want to be alone. Because alone I have to face things....
Alone I think, and I feel.
I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.
Plus, I don't have time for this...
Soooooooooooooooooooo...
Yepp.
I'll do this some other time.
Bye bye.

Abandonment.

That always how I will see it.
Always deep down I will feel abandoned.
It is the explanation for everything.
And I will place many things before it, and claim they are to blame.
But I am this being because I was betrayed and abandoned.

I'll say it's my fault. For any logical reason.
I'll say I'm just sensitive. And I am...
But those moments effected me.
They infected me.
And forever I had been changed.

Gone were the fairy tales. Gone was the happiness.
What ever have you done to me?
And yet I still blame me.

At least I'm not the only one who sees it... Not the only one who worries...
Oh that makes me feel a thousand times less insane.
Don't just brush it off.... Oh please....
And here I am just talking to myself, because who's listening?

I was taken, and formed.
We fit.
And we stayed like so, till I was solid.
Then he felt the need to find a new shape, and threw me out.
So I was alone, falling.
And I hit the ground hard.
And I shattered.
Then I saw you, and I saw you were just as broken as I was.
So I took my pieces and placed them together just enough.
So I could make it to your side, and help you out.
And we put you together so you were like me.
Just barely together.
And we fixed each other as best we could.
Then, you took this mask, and pretended to be whole.
And all the other whole beings, took you in.
And well I was here, and I wondered how you could just pretend.
Even though it actually hurt you more, and you were breaking again.
If we just were together more, we could make ourselves whole.
But now, I was alone.
And though I'd put myself back together better, I was still alone.
You would come back every night.
So we could repair some damage from the pretending you did.
We'd just fix the damage you'd done to yourself.
And soon enough, I understood.
It felt good to destroy myself.
It felt like I was at least successful at something.
And I never hurt myself more than I could bare.
It just felt good to be in power, to have power over my poor weak soul.
And you didn't notice.
But then, it felt like I was addicted to the power.
It was like the devil was holding my hand.
And I had lost track of you.
But you lost track of me too.

And these are the reasons I must suffer alone.

I suppose not really alone.
But there is an invisible shield around me, and I'd love to let you in.
But I'll never speak it, because you'll never hear it.
So alone I must be, but I'll stand by you.